abundance amongst the mess

The knock on the door came early in the evening, Thursday night, last week.  Rick and Nolan were in East Grand Forks for a hockey game.  Our friends had graciously given Colton a ride to hockey practice.  I had decided to spend some time downstairs in the laundry room.  I missed the sound of the ringing doorbell completely.  Crosby barely barked.

But when I finally came upstairs, I heard the alert buzz on my phone.

A text telling me to check the front step.

Oh. My. Stars.  Super ones at that.  

Would you look at what my friend Melissa found for us?  

Look at how cute she had them packaged!  Actually, the paper in the bag was much cuter, the boys had already torn through it excitedly when they got home later that night.  

“Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.”

-Wayne Dyer

It'd be easy to tell you right now, how drained we are, in all honesty.  How the "overwhelming obstacles" in the Christopher Reeves quote are what we find ourselves facing, around each new corner.  How in the middle of the mess we are.  Just like so many others… we don't think we are alone in the hard stuff of life.

It's things like...

We have just two weeks left to get all of mom's things out of her apartment.  

I have infusion again next week and in all likelihood will start a new drug treatment therapy.

How is this one going to effect me?  

Colton starts his playoff hockey this weekend in Park Rapids, and Nolan's regular season games are winding down in Brainerd… the momentum is building for playoff hockey! Our weekends are full. 

All of this while I recover from surgery.  

Plus, the page upon page of charges, on my latest medical bill.  

Thousands and thousands of dollars being billed out all the way back to November, when I had radiation… then December when I had the unfortunate trip to the ER... I stopped counting when I got to 4o… thousand…  I wanted to just stop breathing.  

How much will get covered?  How much won't?  

Surgery hasn't even begun to register on there…

And yet?

The icing on the cake.

Mom calls to tell me she'll stay at Bethany through the end of the month since its paid for, but then she'll be moving back to her apartment in March!  She thinks she's ready to tackle living on her own again… oh maybe with a "LITTLE" help.  

I can only shake my head in utter exhaustion and comedic relief. 

Part of me admires her spunk, and her spark.

Part of me marvels at how she can overlook how much help she is truly getting at Bethany.

She doesn't say she dislikes it at Bethany.

I just hear it in her voice- it doesn't feel like home yet, and she misses "home."

I so badly wish I could tell her we can honor her heart's desire.  

Instead I steel myself, to begin the conversation again, about how she needs to keep trying at Bethany.

Plus, my gracious cousin Pam, on her vacation day off from work, spent the entire day yesterday, helping me pack, box, sort, and organize mom's things for moving or donation.  

We accomplished a great deal of work, with Pam's skillful guidance and physical work, and me lending a hand- most carefully.  

It felt enormous to be making decisions about so much of my mom's entire life played out in front of me in "things," acquired and accumulated.  

and yet…

My favorite part of each day lately, has been the trip to my mailbox.  

I grip each envelope, run my fingers over each name, inhale each word.  It's like manna to my soul. 

Elizabeth, Roxanne, Kim, Susan, Jennifer, and Melissa.

"Abundance is what we tune into…" says Wayne Dyer.  Abundance then, is what we feel, not what we have.  

As I stand photographing the cards, Rick silently drops two more at my feet.

This one from The FM Breast Friends Support Group here in town.  A beautiful card, encouraging words, and a check- an enormously generous and thoughtful check.  Thank you friends!  So completely thankful for all of you Sistas! 

And this card- filled with the most kind and gracious words from a friend whose compassion and generosity knows no bounds.  Thank you Heather.

“Whatever we are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness 

of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it 

with an open and grateful heart.”  Sarah Ban Breathnach

It's this… all of this that leaves me in tears.  Not the "obstacles that overwhelm" it seems… thats not what I feel… it's the pure life-giving grace that falls in waves in and around me… that moves me so.