Monday, July 22, 2013

the smallest moments...


I awaken slowly, my mouth pasty and sticky.  Dry.  I need water.  I start to rise and then my stomach starts to contort.  Hurry.  Fly through the dark.  Stumble against the wall and let your fingers work their way to the door handle.  Hurry.  Seconds too late, your stomach won't hold on any longer.  

 My stomach has roiled and churned, cramping and bloating.  Emptying its contents again and again.  


I take 2 Immodium, then a third dose.  Then a fourth.  How many can I take?  How many should I take?  What are the odds of having to go to the ER if I call at 2:45 am?  Good, I bet.  



I drink handfuls of water from the faucet.  My lips burn.  Sores have erupted all over the edges of my tongue.  I feel like I've scorched my mouth somehow.  My face is red, and rashy, with acne breaking out all around.  Tykerb rash.   It's expected.  

I scurry back to the medicine cabinet and grab my Ativan- my sleep in a bottle. 

I skip going to the lake the next day, weak and tired.  

I edit and edit picnic photos from Cully's Kids.

And this much I know is true. 

 I won't.  I can't.  I will not let Cancer take my joy.  

I will cling to the small.  The tiny.  The littlest of moments that sing to me.  

As they do... those bright-eyed-joy-filled kids.



So I make tea, in my new mug... and there it is...




... the coffee mug that sums up my mantra "life is found in the tiniest moments... live your moments full..." from the friend who lives them fully with me. 








And the card.  With the words... that my baby boy told me he picked just for me... 11, going on 40 that kid.  


He read these words...



And said it was this phrase that made him know... this card was for me.


yep- 11 going on 40.


And I read it over and over again.  Small. Tiny.  Perfect.  The beauty of life living inside the small. 

Can't take my joy...





I'm better today.  Its tricky, but we'll figure it out.  I will see Dr. Panwalkar in the morning and polish off my visit with a vitamin H infusion.

46 comments:

  1. Oh, I am so sorry that you are going through such an awful ordeal. But on the bright side, your son is a gem to have chosen a card that says so much of what any mother would love to hear from her child. I will pray for you; I wish there were more I could do.

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    1. Thank you Norma- Dr. P gave me some good ideas on what to try and do and I think as we keep working at it, we'll get it figured out. Thank you for your prayers- they help more than I could possibly tell you!

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  2. One of our greatest blessings in life is our children. Praying, sweet friend. Praying.

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    1. Thankful for the those abundant prayers always friend- so thankful.

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  4. Oh Vicky, I'm so very sorry you are having to go through all this..It's just not fair. Keep fighting my friend - prayers going up for you and yours.. MANY HUGS. And aren't your children just the sweetest? God bless them, and you.

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    1. Thank you so much Jean- thankful for the prayers that truly keep me going. Hugs and blessings right back to you!

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  5. there was a reason i prayed for you this morning at 4:15 when i got up! i'm trying to be intentional, using our prayer bracelets to remind me. i LOVE that you are DETERMINED, deep down in your soul, not to let circumstances steal the small moments of JOY. absolutely applauding you from here in GA, cheering for that choice!

    that card is quite the keeper! hope Dr. P has some options for the symptoms tomorrow.

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    1. Thankful for you friend! I use my prayer bracelet so often too- Dr. P gave me some good symptom management ideas so I'm staying the course and we'll see how I do :)

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  6. You have the sweetest sons because you are the sweetest Mother.
    It comes full circle...and circles never end.
    You ARE joy, my friend....

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    1. Jackie- truly your words have touched me- thankful for you Miss Jackie- always!

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  7. You are the bravest, dearest woman. You really are. I pray for miracles for you, every day.

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    1. Oh Hilary- such truly praise worthy words- I'm humbled and honored. But with all you go through and have gone through, you are equally a brave and dear woman! Love to you friend!

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  8. I found you through Hilary's blog. What a precious family you have

    The beauty of your bravery stuns me

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    1. Bibi- goodness, what kind words, thank you. So good of you to drop by- I will come and see if you have a blog as well :) Thank you!

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  9. Colton is heaven sent . . . and you are so strong. I admire your strength, your insight and the love you share going through such a difficult time. When I read your blog I feel peace in my heart . . . thank you.

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    1. Colton is like a sponge and he is truly learning so much from this experience- while I sometimes wish he didn't have to go through it, I see all the positive ways its affected him and am glad for that. I love your last bit about feeling peace- so honored to read that- thank you friend!

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  10. I am so, so sory you are going through this ordeal. I am sure it is God's grace that is giving you the strength to go on AND to not let this steal your joy. Your son is just one of your blessings. Hugs and prayers, Pinky

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    1. Oh Pinky- so delighted to see you here! I love your perspective- yes- truly feels like the Grace of God keeping me in the fight- for sure. Hugs to you sweet friend!

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  11. Oh Vicky!!! What a beautiful post. I am in awe of your strength and grace. I lit another candle for you.

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    1. Katie- I am so humbled by the lighting of the candles for me- I love what they represent and am truly honored you think of me and pray for me :) My brother has started lighting candles for me as well :)

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  12. Your strength is teaching me so much Vicky. Thank you so much for your honest post. I hope you find relieve soon. Your boys are the best!!!

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    1. Thank you so much Lisa- I think of YOU as strong you know- when I consider how much you and Bike man accomplish every day- its truly awe inspiring to me :)

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  13. You must be the strongest woman I have ever come across, you are amazing. Keep fighting, and we'll all keep praying for you and your wonderful family.

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    1. Wow Mark, those are some really praise worthy words- thank you. I appreciate your support and prayers always :)

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  14. That apple didn't fall far from the tree did he?
    Keep fighting, we are praying for you.
    Have a better tomorrow Vicky.

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    1. Thank you so much Sue- he is a keeper for sure- a boy after my heart always :) Thanks for the support- it helps me focus on the fight always :)

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  15. My heart hurts for all you are going through. Sheesh - it's just not fair that you have to fight so hard and feel so miserable. Then in the midst of all of this, I read the sweet words from your son - what a treasure! My prayers are for effective treatment with minimal side effects. May you continue to see the light and joy in every day! Take care, sista!

    Steph

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    1. Steph- you're so sweet- and I am happy to say I am rebounding again. I have to be so careful with my diet, but it helps when I get it all right. I have more meds and ideas after seeing Dr. P today so I feel good about moving ahead :) Thankful to have your support and love always, sista!

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  16. :( so sorry. :( I remember all that yuck and I'm sorry. Prayers and strength for stronger, days. I heard the nausea patch works for some. Maybe ask about it to help with the nausea. It didn't for me but I do hear it works when you are on that nasty tykerb and or xeloda.
    hang in there my friend.
    Hugs and blessings,
    Michelle

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    1. Well the good news is actually not much nausea- couple days after herceptin is all. Its the diarrhea that is bothersome. But I have some better ideas of things to try after seeing him today and its onward like always! Hugs to you friend- I hope you are enjoying your time off!! Oh, I just know you are :)

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  17. Oh, what a wonderful boy. Just like his mom.

    Sending healing thoughts and prayers your way... keep on keeping on, Vicky.. may you experience many many more of those moments of joy.

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    1. Thanks Karen~ woke to another sun lighted day and know the gifts will be in plain view all day long :)

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  18. Colton has nice handwriting and the card is beautiful for his beautiful Mom.

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    1. Thanks Vic- Colton will beam when he sees this :) Love to you~

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  19. You are always in my prayers.

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    1. And you are in mine as well- thankful for you Jennifer! Love to you ~

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  20. What a sweet son you have raised! And as Jennifer said above, you are always in my prayers too!

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    1. Thank you so much Genny~ I'm so touched and honored by you all...

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  21. THANK YOU FOR LETTING YOUR POSITIVE ATTITUDE AND SPIRIT BE SUCH A HUGE INFLUENCE ON SO MNAY OF US.
    YOU ARE A GIFT !!!

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    1. Wow-well shoot dear friend- not sure what I did to deserve such high praise, but thank you :) Love to you!

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  22. That card. There is nothing anyone could ever give you that would be better medicine than that. Precious.....precious. That being said, I'm still so sorry you are having such vivid side-effects on this medicine, Vicky. God love you. God sustain you. God grant you relief and sleep and healing and whatEVER else you call for in whatEVER moment you are in need. I sent you a private message through Facebook and I'm updating it now with information that I pray you'll have time or inclination to watch. I found it eye-opening, hope providing, and intensely interesting. It's worth a look and a ponder. Love you, sweet Vicky. Keep grabbing every sunbeam of a moment that brings you joy in any form.

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    1. Going to check out the message NEXT! Thank you sweet friend! Love to you!

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  23. First, I am hoping that you will feel better soon. Lord, carry Vicky through these days and give her peace.

    2nd, what a fabulous card from your young son. He is a gem. Bless you all.

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  24. So much love in this there's not a "good enough" response.

    Oh, Vicky. Your precious Colton. I can't look at his handwriting without tearing up. You ARE choosing JOY. And all those who see you, read your words, know you--see HIM living in you.

    So much love today.

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  25. What a beautiful, well chosen card this is. Colton really 'gets' his Mom that is for sure. A very mature 11 year old. Good looks and brains and heart. No wonder with the parents he has. And he does have lovely writing too. Happy belated Birthday to you Vicky. I am glad things are on the improve. I love your coffee cup, it is indeed about the small moments. A great reminder. Keep rereading that precious card when feeling low.

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