Saturday, June 23, 2012

What to grab, what to let go


I awoke Friday morning to a wound three times the size it was the day before.  I could be the poster child for "Wounds gone Wild" and there is no celebrating the wild part of it. As I went to find all the supplies to clean and dress the wound, a box showed up on our doorstep.

My new swim suit- made for women with a mastectomy.  I had such hope of wearing it soon.  I believed this time I was healing for good.  I tried it on with the triangle of my bandage sticking out and no skin visible to attach a prosthesis too.  Epic fail, again.  


The more I take in stride, the more I am asked to take in stride.  And yet it has me constantly heart-kneeling with open hands to receive the fullness of His blessings.  Because I don't think we're meant to examine one piece of what is given to us, to the exclusion of all the others.  


So after a quick tear filled call to my Superman who sat and listened patiently, I laid it down again.  I pour out loss, anguish, uncertainty... and try to make room for peace.  

The wound care nurse sighs when she sees months worth of her diligent efforts, go for naught again.

The only option that has been presented to us as a "maybe" solution, is a skin graft surgery.  A major operation.  Is this "chemo" break meant to help me find a solution to my open incision? 

Each decision carries so many ramifications.  So often we seem to solve one problem only to trigger two more.  

I truly don't know what my next move should be, if any.




A break from chemo, doesn't stack up to a break from all things cancer.  I'm feeling a little adrift, trying to figure out what to grab onto, and what to let go.











41 comments:

  1. The truth of this makes it no simpler. Prayers as you take one step at a time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Susan- yours prayers are so appreciated.

      Delete
  2. I am so sorry that everything is so very difficult.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Joan,

      I think I have moments of difficult and this one just hasn't resolved- but I am hopeful that someone, or something will come along soon :)

      Delete
  3. So sorry to hear this Vicky. An open wound is a drain on your body's healing systems, which are needed now to fight the cancer. That would weigh into my decision-making ... but I don't have all the information, understanding and feelings you have. What does your doctor suggest you do?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Bonnie,

      Dr. P suggested maybe the skin graft surgery- he was also hopeful the chemo break would help. Dr. B, my breast surgeon also thought being off chemo would be enough to heal it. And maybe more time is what it will need- I try not to lose hope for that- I just want to make sure I am being prudent and researching all the viable options.

      Delete
  4. Praying for your strength today, Vicky. Praying for healing and strength and rest for your body as you continue to fight. God bless you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Carol,

      thank you so much for the prayers- they truly sustain me and I am so grateful to have them. Blessings to you!

      Delete
  5. Sweet girl, I can hear the anguish in your post. And rightly so. I am hoping your doctor will guide you on this one and your faith will see you through. I will pray harder and harder for you Vicky that this challenge is overcome soon too. Its absolutely ok to let it go and breathe out as you cannot always be strong. You are human. My sister is having skin graft surgery on her stomach soon because she has had issues for a long time with something that never healed and it has affected her health since. I know it was a big decision for her. I hope you will have your answer soon when you lok at all the options. Sending big hugs to you and yours.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lilly,

      Goodness, I will be thinking of your sister. I hope you will keep me posted. Thank you for the prayers- I always know I can come here to let it go and you all make me feel supported. Thank you sweet friend :)

      Delete
  6. Oh, man. I cannot even express how this post pains me. And I can also relate to it - it seems as if things are always one step forward, two steps back. And wouldn't it be nice to be able to have a break just for the sake of a break, and not because you needed that break for surgery. I SO know about this feeling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shoot- you and I have to stop "knowing" each other's battles and burdens. I absolutely know you feel this one. Dr. P was hesitant to suggest more surgery- I truly don't have a solid solution right now. Wish you didn't have to know- but then also helps knowing I am not alone...

      Delete
  7. OK friends of sweet Vicky. Let's double down and pray even harder.
    We are with you, my friend...and we approach His throne in prayer for you.
    Hugs and much love,
    Jackie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Jackie- you know I appreciate those prayers- so much. Hugs and love to you :)

      Delete
  8. I'm so sorry to hear of the setback.. how frustrating that must be. What to hold on to and what to let go... well, don't let go of the rope, dear friend.. as the saying goes.. tie a knot and hold on. Sending healing thoughts your way today...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Karen- I just get a little frustrated and would like to think this won't continue indefinitely, but not sure any Dr. could really tell me any differently right now.

      Delete
  9. It sounds frustrating and sad for you but I know God will give you the strength to get past this season as you continue to move forward. Take care and rest if you need too. It is ok.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you- "its a season" is a good reminder that this too shall pass :)

      Delete
  10. I have and will continue to pray for healing of this wound...WE know God is able. HUGS...OR Coast Kay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Kay- thank you for stopping by and encouraging me. I appreciate all the prayers- they make a difference- so thank you!

      Delete
  11. Dearest Vicky,
    My heart aches as I read your post. God brings you to my thoughts so often these days. My words are so inadequate at times like this, my sweet friend! I don't understand the why's...but, I do know that God is and will continue to hold your hand...no matter what.
    I continue to ask God to wrap you in His loving arms...shoring you up and giving you peace.
    Fondly,
    Carolynn...your sister in our Savior, Jesus Christ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Carolynn- I feel all the prayers being said and the continue to sustain me through the rough patches such as this one. xoxo

      Delete
  12. Praying dear Vicky for your strength, courage and perseverance. You continue to be an inspiration!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the prayers Deb- I truly appreciate them and for you sticking with me through all of this!

      Delete
  13. Oh My!
    It's taking soooo long.
    I guess you do need a graft or something anyway.
    What a pain in the ass!!
    They can grow skin in a petrie dish
    I hope they find something soon to fix this problem.
    I wouldn't be too worried about the nurse lol
    It's not her body .

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi sweet Vicky--
    I'm so sorry about what's going on. I hope so badly that wound just HEALS UP!! Darn that wound!!
    Please know I am thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Jen :) Hugs to you- thanks for always being such a good support :)

      Delete
  15. You need to check your platelets. Maybe this is what you need more than a graft. Without platelets the wound will not heal because it doesn't clot to heal.Maybe you need to eat blood sausages?? Get some platelets into you or they have to do something so you have some.
    This is really a pain in the ass you don't need.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Vi- my platelets are fine- they rebounded after the Tdm1 very nicely. The surgeon thinks its more of an inadequate blood supply getting to the tissue with my compromised immune system. But my immune system should be rebounding as well.

      Delete
  16. Thank you for sharing your journey with us all...the good and the not so good. My prayers are with you--may God show you the right path!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for supporting and encouraging my journey through the good and the not so good Kim. I am certain a path will be illuminated at some point.

      Delete
  17. I too am sorry to hear of this. We do want all to go smoothly and pray daily for it to be so.
    I am reading a book titled: The boy who came back from heaven by Kevin and Alex Malarkey. It's a true story that occurred here in Ohio. Alex, the boy, ended up in Children's Hosp. in Columbus after what should have been a fatal car accident. It's real and honest. The father Kevin talks of the setbacks and the moments of doubt. But it's obvious God had a plan throughout the long recovery.
    I have taken on a new regime for my fibromyalgia and osteo-arthristis issues. So far I have seen improvement, but I have also suffered setbacks. Such is the road in life as discouraging as that can be at times.
    There is a verse that floats around in my head, heart, and soul constantly. Sometimes I say it aloud. But it's an ever-present reminder of the source of my strength and also an encouragement.
    "I can do all things through Christ Jesus who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13. It calms me and refocuses me.
    I'm interceding for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Beth- I too find comfort in those words. I see that your path is not an easy one either and pray that your new regime begins to truly give you the improvements you desire. Thank you of your encouragement today!

      Delete
  18. The one thing I have found with my struggles with the nerve damage I have been left with from the shingles is this: No matter how hard we try to plan our life, God has a special plan just for us! We may not see it right away but he knows each of us better than we know ourselves and He has a plan for us.

    "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

    Sending you love, hugs and prayers, Vicky.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Amen Eileen...I'm praying that scripture over your beautiful life Sweetie. Peace...peace. love you my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I hope that the wound heals. That would be a nice, enjoyable part of your chemo break. Water and a new swimsuit was always part of the "old normal" and I hope that you will be able to find a way to enjoy those during your "new normal." Seriously it was so nice to see you last week - I had the best time! Too bad the kids' schedules were so busy -- Christopher was so bummed about leaving without seeing the boys. I guess you will just need to pack up that swimsuit (or not) and the boys (a must) and head down to this lake!! We are waiting for you!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm thinking of you Vicky....you are a strong woman! Your struggles are felt by all of your blogger friends.

    ReplyDelete
  22. OH, Dear, I say go for the skin graft. Get that hint healed forever!!!! I want to come see you , is tomorrow ok? I lot eyou girl, YOU are amazing,,,,hang in there ALL SHALL BE WELL!!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Such wise words. I love the lines about taking things in stride with the ends being seeing the blessings around us and not the hard things. I am presently walking through a completely different kind of hard from you but those words ring so true. On the very day we think we can take no more, we see the blessings of the moment and are encouraged to push on. I am praying for healing for that wound and that you can continue to enjoy your summer with your family. Sending love, hugs and prayers across the country to you.

    ReplyDelete
  24. "The more I take in stride, the more I am asked to take in stride. And yet it has me constantly heart-kneeling with open hands to receive the fullness of His blessings. Because I don't think we're meant to examine one piece of what is given to us, to the exclusion of all the others." Sitting here at the kitchen table, after midnight, pondering your life, your courage, your successes, and your burdens, pains, and fears. I so hope this plastic surgeon has the right answers and that you will heal in time to WEAR that new swimming suit THIS year and, I must say, her confidence inspires me. Dear Lord, please let this be the answer and let this wound heal in new, fast, and complete ways. And may Vicky's pain decrease and her hope increase as she ponders a completely different approach. Give her joys she never expected and the right words, the right people, the right moments to encourage her. May she NEVER feel ALONE, dear Lord. Increase your light, your healing, your comfort, your presence. May it overwhelm her and encompass her about at ALL TIMES. Thank you, Lord. Amen. I love you, Vicky.

    ReplyDelete

I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

When you get lucky

When you get lucky

Popular Posts

Minnesota.com

Minnesota.com - MN Weather, Map, Businesses and Blogs