Thursday, June 7, 2012

Chasing down normal


Normal day,
let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you, love you,
bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass by in quest
of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may,
for it may not always be so.
One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,
or bury my face in the pillow,
or stretch myself taut,
or raise my hands to the sky and want,
more than all the world, your return.

Mary Jean Iron















I've decided coming off chemo is a little bit like losing a job. All of the trips to Roger Maris, the clinic, the lab, the infusion center kept me heavily scheduled.  Anticipating the 2-4 days of down time after each treatment kept me hovering somewhere between the my home mini-pharmacy and bed. Then there were those few days in between when I felt the urgency to accomplish everything and then some while I felt good.  


So now I've been set loose.  Freed from the heavy schedule of cancer.  And after 15 months of having my entire existence revolve around that schedule... I hardly know what to do with myself.  


I feel as though I am straddling two worlds. The cancer hasn't changed.  My prognosis- well statistically it still stinks.  But I have never let the statistics try to define me.  It doesn't mean those numbers don't hover over threatening at times to descend upon me and smother me.  I'm just learning to live fully in my moments, in spite of  the cancer. 


But what is different, is that we're not peeking in on the cancer as much.  We're not poking, prodding, mapping and sizing as much.  We simply don't know, and aren't try to know right now.  We're trusting.  I'm trusting.  Both in him, my doctor and Him, my Father.  I have to keep stepping forward in faith, even when I can't see.  Especially when I can't see.  


And what I can't see now?  Is what "normal" looks like.  I have such new eyes, I doubt my life will ever really go back to pre-diagnosis.  But in this reprieve I've been given, life can certainly take on a new flavor.  A new direction.  A semblance of old, with a dash of new sprinkled in.  


My faith grown out of the hard and uncertain, shapeshifting into a faith for the every day.  


It probably looks a lot like last night.  I know it felt right.  Sitting in the stands with friends, the golden rays of the sunshine streaming through the dust of the ball field.  Watching our 9 year old sons smack the ball around, attempt double plays, and spit sunflower seeds.


Normal

















































19 comments:

  1. Love you so mich my sweet friend!
    Many hugs and many "normal" moments for you sweetheart!

    Bussals from Germany
    Mimi

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  2. Making memories <3 Takes me back 30 years + to the days when my girls played ball. Many evenings and weekends spent visiting with other moms, eating spits and enjoying the sun and life; cheering the kids on. Normal never changes does it and thank God for that :) Enjoy your 'normal' summer.

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  3. Oh Vicky this made me smile and you already know how I can resonate with so much of this!

    It feels good to chase down normal this I know! Breathe it in and ask BIG when you trust and lean in; and yes let Him define you not the statistics! Because the stats dont know His stats! :)

    xoTiffany

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  4. Beautifully said...blessfully lived! Just keep savoring each day and each and every experience--the mundane and the sublime! You are a true inspiration, my friend!

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  5. May you enjoy and learn to truly live again in the normal.

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  6. YES to normal and savoring the moments. So glad you had one last night and looking forward to many more for you. And you're right...they will be all the sweeter for all you've been through. Beautiful pics. It's SO GREEN there! They don't call ours the "golden" state for nothing. We only have that green for about two or three months a year and then we bake. (Well, from north central California on down to the Mexican border. Northern Cali and the mountains are ALWAYS lush and gorgeous with pine trees!) Have a good weekend, Vicky. I am headed to a storybook wedding tomorrow night and can't WAIT to see these two tie the knot. :)

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  7. I just loved this so much today, Vicky! The poem at the beginning was profound, and so very true.

    I smiled my way through this --- you had to know that! You are so right about "normal". Our new normal will never be like it was precancer. We've grown, we've changed, we see differently, and our values are so different.

    I remember those days of "weaning" off the Cancer Center. I felt a little abandoned, responsible for myself, etc. As bad as chemo was, I felt my line to life was cut off and I was on my own. It's been three years now for me, and normal still isn't the normal that used to be. I like it this way. It's God's way. And His way is best.

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  8. Rest in the knowledge that you being blessed this summer with "normal". Grab these special moments and hold them close to your heart, Vicky. Happy summer, my friend!!!

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  9. I bet normal feels good Vicky despite the fact that this kind of freedom must seem strange after your busy medical schedule for so long now. This is going to be one great summer for all your family. I love what Cora wrote. It is God's way and as soon as we give ourselves to that it just is so freeing.

    Your writing speaks straight to the heart always and your photos are always magic. Love the rays of sunshine. What a gift you have and you are. Looking forward to all your posts this summer, especially as we are freezing cold over this side of the world. Its good to get some sunshine even if I have to come here to get my dose of it. xx

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  10. YOU are such an inspiration, and your attitude is like no other.
    YOU are amazing!

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  11. Vicky, I was feeling those same rays and they were a blessing to me as well. This post was profound. I could feel the change you've experience, the deep change that will not allow you to ever go back. In some ways, I think, you welcome that. But in other ways, of course, it would be nice for you to have learned those lessons some other way. And yet, you have impacted so many in such rich ways. I am among them. Thank you! I would love to see you again soon, whenever it can happen between my crazy schedule with kids and yours. Meantime, thinking of you from across the river as always. XXOO, Roxane

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  12. Normal is good...Sending you prayers for too many normal days to come, sweet Vicky. Hugging you from afar and smiling...normal ;-)

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  13. Yes that is a good feeling and I am happy for you to be able to enjoy it and take each day at a time.
    You know, we all have to do this because tomorrow isn't guaranteed to no one.
    We all have our time in the sun and so we wish for good weather and lots of love. xoxoxoxoxoxo

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  14. Hurray for a new kind of normal and adjusting to a new schedule. Summer baseball seems good to me!

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  15. Vicki, Please forget about normal. This is the day the Lord has made.Let us rejoice & be glad in it. I couldn't believe the last lines of the poem today as I was speedreading & saw "Raise my hands to the sky & want more than all the world,YOUR RETURN." Vicki, this want HAS to be Jesus only or we have lost our First love.I know you know this, just reminding you, in love, Cynthia PRAYERS!

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  16. Dearest Vicky,
    What a blessing you are to me and so many others! I am challenged each time I visit your blog.
    You are a Daniel..Living life in the fiery furnace...Trusting God each minute.
    I continue to pray for you nightly...I love you with the love of our precious Lord, Savior and Messiah, Jesus!
    Blessings,
    Carolynn {{{{hugs}}}}

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  17. We just take and enjoy each day -- normal or crazy turned upside down...seems to me that is how our live's have always been. I will be up there soon to enjoy some of your new "normal" with you! And we can't wait to have you come down here...!!!

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  18. I love that you're allowed the luxury of tasting "normal" this summer. I know you will drink it in like homemade lemonade.

    So so happy that some of your moments have been freed up to think about other things.

    xo always.

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