Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I am

I am dizzy, I said to my oncologist.

Then we'll order an Mri and get to the bottom of it,  he said.  We'll watch for seizures, and black outs.  We'll watch for severe headaches.  You'll call me, even in the middle of the night, with worsening symptoms.  We will take care of you.

I get claustrophobic in the MRI tube, I said to the nurse.

Then we'll order some Xanax for you to take the edge off she said.  Or you can take Ativan.  We'll help you get through it, she said.

I'm nervous, I said to the MRI radiology tech.

Then I'll place a wash cloth over your eyes, and a pillow under your legs, and I'll speak to you in the tube, and I'll blow air on you and I'll be there with you the entire time.

I'm dizzy and fatigued I cried to my husband.

Then I'll drive the boys to hockey, and I'll pick them up.  I'll get the groceries.  I'll watch the boys.  You rest, he said.  I will take care of you.

Mama's tired, I said to the boys.

Then we'll walk the dog and take him outside, they said.  We will be quiet and you can rest.  We will bring you water and the remote and a blanket.  We'll take care of you mom.

I'm sad, I whispered to God.  I'm worried. I'm weary.  I'm leaving it all with you.

I know you are, he said to me.  I have been with you the entire time.  I will not leave you.  I will bear you, I will carry you...

I have breast cancer,  I said on my blog.

We know you do, you said.  We will flood your mailbox with cards.  We will pray for you, uplift you, carry your name on our lips.  We will make meals for you and feed you.  We will clean for you, and decorate your home for you.  We will bless you.  We will love you through it.


Did you find cancer on my brain, I asked the nurse?  

It doesn't look like cancer, she said.  It doesn't look like metastases.  Its something she said, but we don't know what.  You'll have more scans in December, she said.  We will watch and wait...  we're here for you.

I am waiting I whispered... I am hoping and kneeling and waiting.





31 comments:

  1. Beautiful Vicky...you are so special, so loved, such a wonderful witness to life in its many forms. I am so sorry you are carrying this cross, and that it seems to have become heavier of late. You are right in knowing we are all here for you. Your family, your blog community, your real-life friends, God, everyone. We love you and are deeply grateful for the glimpses of your heart you've shared with us. Keep sharing and we will keep praying and loving.

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  2. Yes, dear Vicky, we are here holding you in prayer. Holding and holding as you rest in the palm of His hand.

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  3. Yes, you ARE.

    You are anointed with an amazing amount superior of courage and grace Vicky. I am hoping that your heart cannot contain all that courage and grace and has had to store some in your brain and that is what they are seeing.

    Sending loving energy your way.

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  4. Ohhh, Child of God, He always is with you,as are your friends and family. He WILL give your family the strength to get through this. You, Miss Vicky are never alone. God is healing you at this very moment. He will never give you more than you or your circle can bear. Although it certainly must seem to you that He is. I am so sorry that you have to go through this long and tough healing process, but the end result will be incredible. Know this, that through your healing, you have given STRENGTH, you have given FAITH, you have given HOPE and you have given PEACE to so many, many people for so many troubles in their respectful lives. You see, YOU are His messenger. STRENGTH, FAITH, HOPE AND PEACE . Thank you. In His Name, Barb

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  5. this touched me deeply Vicky - you are a true inpiration - so courageous a women of valor!

    sending you lots of love, faith, hope and blessings for peace to know that He is holding you!

    xoTiffany

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  6. oh dear Vicky, this is so sweet it made me cry. i am so sorry you are feeling bad, and i am also thankful for the people God has put in your life.
    your friend in Virginia Beach,
    teresa

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  7. This also made me cry.
    I do hope it's nothing.Probably nothing to do with your ailment. Sometimes drugs have side effects. In fact most of them do, so....let's hope for the best. Meanwhile,you must rest and try not to think about it so it doesn't cause stress on your body. You need peace.
    Everyone is behind you dear Vicky.
    Keep on truckin girl.

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  8. I am here with you waiting...wishing there would be more I could do...Praying for you every morning and every evening...Love sent your way, Vicky and hugging ever so tight :-)

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  9. Oh my lovely Vicky,

    this put tears in my eyes and make me crying.

    You are so a wonderfull person, a lovely mum and wife and it is not fair.

    God is in your life. He is a big part of your life and I am so happy about that.

    My belief isnt so strong and I am happy that he is there for you, every time, every moment.

    We all wait with you!

    XXX
    Mimi

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  10. What a powerful and heartbreaking post Vicky. Please know you are in my thoughts daily....do only what you can. Don't push yourself. Please take care of you.

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  11. I'm very interesting to stop here, cause you have a great articles here. Dont forget to give me back your comment into my blog too. Thanks for sharing and happy blogging.

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  12. Yes, you ARE....here, loved, uplifted, cared about, supported, dizzy, fatigued, loved, supported, afraid, loved, weary, IN HIS CARE> XO, Pinky

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  13. Oh my sweet friend. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could do more for you than I am able to. I am hoping, kneeling and waiting with you my precious friend. I carry you deep within my heart and I am praying for you and your family. I know the waiting is so hard...we are all waiting with you! Love you dear one!

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  14. Thinking of you and sending healing thought your way every step of the way... XO

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  15. Vicky....
    I listen to a saved voice mail from my Grandson several times a week. It's almost a year old now. I won't erase it.
    He asks in his quiet loving voice, "Nana.. Can I come over??"
    What a pull that has on my heart.
    Of course he can! Of course he can...
    Vicky, I share that with you because I want you to know that I wish you lived closer. I would call you and say, "Vicky, can I come over?" We would hug...and we would talk. I wish I could make everything better for you....
    I love you, my friend.
    Jackie

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  16. I can't say it any better than Roxanne did, except to add that for every time you said "I am" HE answered, "I am enough". Will be earring the bracelet extra so that you are always close to my heart and on my mind,

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  17. I know how hard the waiting is, my husband is a stage 3 colon cancer survivor. I don't know you personally but am praying for you every day. You are the most amazing, inspiring woman. God bkess you and your family.

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  18. Vicky--I am a word girl--and I love your words! You have a gift of sharing the journey in a very real and inspirational way. I am so sorry this journey is so long...and so hard. Yes, HE is with you...HE is holding you....HE loves YOU!! Praying for you!

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  19. Vicky,
    We love you so much and think of you every day. I only wish that I could take your pain away, even if only for a day, I would do so without hesitation. Parker and I each bought a bra pin today in support of the Bras on Broadway campaign. He proudly wore it to school today and said that it was for Vicky. Madelynn also said that it was a good thing we bought them because of Vicky. We miss you and hope to see you at the rink when you are feeling a bit better. You are such a big part of our lives without even really knowing it. We think of you and speak of you often. I will keep you forever in my thoughts and close to my heart. Take care and let us know if we can do anything for you. I hope to see you soon and visit. You take care. Your friend, Missy

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  20. Always thinking of you Vicky....please stay strong. We are all praying for you my friend.

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  21. Amazing post, I'm speechless.
    Your strength is unparalleled.Pennsylvania prayers continue your way.

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  22. This is so beautiful and touched my heart. So moving. Praying for you. God is able. May He keep you in His perfect peace.

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  23. Oh Vicky...you sweet and precious girl. I had to read all the comments from your dear friends and my heart resonates with all they say and I want to add my amens. Your heart of gratitude is overwhelming in the midst of such fresh struggles. What one of us doesn't long with our whole heart to have the power that would drive this away? But we are faced with our weakness and must look to God for His strength.

    Bless you in each moment and may our Heavenly Father relieve you of worry and stress and allow your body to recover in His time...in His way. I will be eternally grateful for the precious family and dear, dear friends who are helping, loving, and ministering to you. I wish I was closer and could brighten your day somehow as you always brighten mine. I love you.

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  24. I love the way you put things. Even as I love your words, I hate what they mean. Praying for extra grace and strength for you today.

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  25. Your thoughts are so moving and full of grace, Vicky. Sending positive thoughts and special prayers your way.

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  26. Vicky,

    I have been praying for you since I found your blog. I love your honesty and I appreciate that you are bold and courageous to share it with us. In our weakness we are made strong.

    Abundant Blessings are sent your way

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  27. Vicky-
    You are an angel.
    I'm holding you in the Light of the Spirit!
    All shall be well.

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  28. Sweet, inspiring, giving Vicky...

    You make me teary, honey.

    I feel so honored to be able to read your words and be one to pray with you & for you & be here with you.

    xo

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  29. You are...and HE is...

    I'm here,crying as I read and loving you so...

    I'm so proud of your BIG faith.
    So proud of you.

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  30. Dear Vicky,
    I am sorry, I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to catch up on you till now. And i will keep praying for you and your family and thinking about you as I have been since my aunt found your blog when you went through your very first MRI and I was so thankful because you were the first breast cancer person I could relate with... Thank you for all your awesome posts you have helped me stay motivated on my journey and I think your awesome.
    Hang in there...
    Hugs and prayers,
    Michelle

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  31. You ARE vibrant, motivating, generous and awesome! I'm one of your many cheerleaders. Now if only I could fit into that cute costume...LOL

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