Sunday, August 14, 2011

I am home




9:00 am Saturday morning, just 24 hours after surgery, a smiling Dr. Bouton peels back the bandages covering my incision. I smile and comment when I see my mole is still there.  He says yes, "moles like that distinguish who we are.  The others in the operating room wondered why I wouldn't remove it from you.  I told them "its been a part of her for a long time now, and she never asked me to take it."  He then shows me the large mole on his arm.  "Doctor friends for years have told me they would remove it for me.  Why I say?  Its part of who I am and I like it just fine."  

I like Dr. Bouton.  His Texan accent matches his Texas sized personality.  He dispenses his medical knowledge cheerfully, with lots of wisdom and lots of authority as well.  


He puts a light dressing back on over my sutures and glue, then tells me how to care for them and my drain and says "you're doing well enough to go home."  


By noon, we are released.  I marvel at modern medicine.  


The boys go to the lake with Grandpa and Grandma.

I rest in my own bed.  Moving is a challenge as I discover the absence of muscle in my chest wall and a dull aching soreness that kicks in when I've pushed too far.  I re-learn using my left side, awkwardly.

We fill the narcotic pain med prescription that requires a special note from the doctor.  The bottle sits full on the counter.  I am getting by on Tylenol, but I have back up just in case.  

I fall asleep early, fully dressed, on top of the covers.  At 3 am I awake.  The dull ache has set in again, sore, but not so much painful. I run my hands down the new landscape of my shape.  One long, flat, surface where curves once prevailed.  Its like getting a tooth pulled, and your tongue goes to that empty hole over and over again, until the hole is old news and becomes just another part of you.  I get up and look  at my concave chest...

I am broken.

But...

I am reminded of Sara's words from a week ago Friday, on the topic of "whole."  She wrote ...


"It took a long time for me to sort through all of the noise and clutter of it all to realize that I am whole."

"I am in pain, sick, frail, homebound, bedbound, without great possibility or potential in my future."

"In all of that, I am whole. I am complete. I am exactly what God made me to be in the exact time He created me to be it."  




I have printed her words out and have them close to me.  I am broken, but in that brokenness, I am perfectly "whole."  They can burn, and now slash, the diseased part of me, but I remain whole.  



I hear the hum of the crickets through the open window.  They lull me back to a peaceful and deep sleep.

33 comments:

  1. tears streaming, friend. tears that you are home. tears that you are well enough to talk to us. tears that anything that i have said to you is a part of your journey. tears of thankfulness. of gratitude for you. i love you so much, sister.

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  2. I thought of you all day yesterday, and my prayers were ans'd, you came through with flying colors - yeh, you "fought like a girl"...I'm so happy you are home..God Bless and for a fast recovery. You look sooo good..

    Hugs
    Jean
    Edmond, OK

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  3. Those words bring healing here, too. What a loving Father we have. Bless you as you heal.

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  4. Welcome home, Vicky. A lovely smile you share with us in the photo....and I hope you know that I am thinking of you. As you rest and recuperate, continue to take the best care of you. Your blog is as always an inspirational one for me to read. What an amazing Child of the King you are! Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.
    Love,
    J.

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  5. So happy to hear from you. Your are more than whole, you are beautiful inside and out; this will not define you. Rest well my dear friend, good things are waiting for you. Love you much!

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  6. Welcome home!!
    No you are not broken.
    As long as your spirit is strong, nothing else matters.
    You have people who love you and want you no matter what .
    There is just no replacement for a wife and a Mom or even friends.
    Take care and don't over do.

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  7. Your positive outlook brings tears of wonder and gratitude to my eyes Vicky.

    Such wise sentiments. You are not your disease and not what has been taken from you. YOU are so much more.

    xox

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  8. I am so glad you are home and doing pretty well! You ARE whole, and HERE, and living. For that I gave thanks! You are beautiful, inside and out. DON'T forget that!!!! Get the rest you need. XO, Pinky PS, Sara is the BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  9. So good to know that you are home and healing and.. oh, those words of yours, Vicky.

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  10. Yes, it is amazing what doctor's can achieve with the power of God. I can still remember my surgery 12 years ago. Remember to take care of yourself and let others help you. From a breast cancer survivor of 12 years.

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  11. Oh bless you dear Vicki...tears from these eyes too...and the memory of it. Prayers for peace and healing.

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  12. Doesn't it feel good to be home? Want to pass along my mother is thinking of you. She too had breast cancer and lost one breast. She totally understands what you are going through and she asks about you often. You made the right choice Vicky.

    Enjoy those sounds of nature...they will be a blessing for you.

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  13. I am thankful to God that the surgery was successful, and the diseased part of you, is now removed from you, making you whole again. I am glad God is healing you, bit by bit. May God bless you and give you the strength- mental and physical. Lots of love

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  14. Dear Lord, please continue to give Vicky the strength to help her heal and bring her peace each day.

    I love this post. You are remarkable. A blessing.

    Sending hugs and love always. - Kelly

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  15. Your graciousness and positivity is a gift to you Vicky, but it is also a gift to others. You are a true class act. I've been thinking of you all weekend. Hugs...

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  16. Vicky, The one thing I do know for sure is that nothing can change the beauty that radiates from you inside and out. Your words touch each one of us with inspiration. So glad to hear that you are home!

    Years ago when my Dad had his cancer operation, he said these words when he was able to go home, "I now know what the saying means, 'A man's home is his castle'. It feels so good to come home to heal."
    Blessings and love my friend!

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  17. Your words portray a beautiful lady, just as you are, perfect.
    I'm glad to have found your blog and so very glad you are home x

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  18. I am one of Septembermom's prayer warriors that she has sent into the world on your behalf. You've been in my thoughts and prayers and I am uplifted when I read a post like this. What an inspiration you are to others, and what a powerful voice you have. May God continue to bless you on this journey, as you have blessed others.

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  20. Came over from My Voice - My View. I've been praying for you.

    I believe you are whole. The spirit, the mind, emotions, will and intellect, are all in tact. These make you who you are.

    While you adjust, your positive attitude, enduring faith and belief in God will bring healing, body and spirit and soul.

    Wishing the very best of God to settle in your awesome life. You are a strong woman.

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  21. happy to hear of this, and thankful for the perspective He is giving you, moment by moment.

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  22. You have such grace! I am in awe of your strength. May God continue to bless you and your family.

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  23. so happy you are home, doing well, and whole. your strength is amazing!

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  24. Hi Vicky, I too am visiting from Kelly's place. I'm so glad I stopped over. A beautiful post. I love that idea of being whole, exactly who God intended for you to be. I appreciate too the sharing of this experience. Healing thoughts to you.

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  25. You have an amazing spirit and you are right, "You are whole"! There is so much more to us, then our parts, our moles, our mood. We all have strength we didn't know! I found you at Septembermom's site~ Your soul whispers and knows your true essence!
    xXx Bless you~

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  26. Vicky I am so glad you are home, you are whole,,,,you are strong and a inspiration, God is holding your hand and you are loved. hugs to you.

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  27. Hugs and love to you. You are, indeed, whole!

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  28. HI there.. ♥May you be surrounded by the best health, ♥love ♥care and ♥protection of God. ♥Love you and all the very BESST ☺ ☺ ☺

    Kelly's blog pal!♥

    Naqvee ♥

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  29. You are an inspiration, a fighter, and a lovely lady. xoxo

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  30. You are a beautiful soul, and oh, yes, you are whole. What they removed did not diminish you one tiny bit.
    You amaze me, and inspire. I am praying for your complete recovery.

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  31. your positive attitude is such an amazing blessing....i'm so glad the surgery is over and everyday, we will continue to think about you and keep you in our prayers.....xo

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  32. Thinking of you daily and praying for your physical and emotional strength. Am reading Robert Beson's Between the Dreaming and the Coming True and thinking that you are teaching yourself and many others the lessons we need to learn during our time here.

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  33. It's all part of who you are. The mole, the strength, the hope. The wholeness.


    God made all of it.

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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