Brutiful...

It just comes in real.  It's one of those hard places, when you can't logically figure out where it came from, or when it all started.  I just know last week, a pain was searing my shoulder.  And I couldn't stop it.  

I take Tylenol and soak in a hot bath.  I prop my bed up to a reclining position and use my heating pad- on high.  Still no end to the dull roar.  I attempt to "choose joy" literally to embrace the heat and heal my back...

At times the pain subsides and I pray it's easing up.  But then its ripping through my back again, radiating everywhere.

My scans were fine in this area.  I can cross this out of my head.  And treatment was two weeks ago- shouldn't be side effects- not like this.  How do I even call the doctor?  I didn't fall.  I have no infection or fever.  My counts are good.  What is there to even check?

I look through my bin of meds, with the Oxycodone of long ago, singing out to me, "pick me, pick me."  

Oh how I despise you.  Oh how I love you.

I slam the drawer shut again, thinking, I'll just grit my teeth and bare it.  I promise Rick if it isn't better by the next morning, we'll call in to the doctor.

I take my sleeping meds and off to dreamland I go.

It's bearable the next morning and I quietly switch back to advil and hope.  Why is this even happening? 

But just hours later, I go to toss the ball for Crosby and there it is again... searing, blazing, all through the corners of my back- have you no mercy?

I crumple into bed, angry, spent, hurt.  

Oh how my mind narrows.  Throb, throb, hurt.

Oxy, are you my only hope right now?

I do it. Its getting late.  I take 1 old expired 5mg pill.  I sneak my eyes past the expiration date of 2013.  Its good enough for now.

Hours later, my mind is dulled, but the pain is razor sharp.  I'm so sensitive to pain meds, if this isn't helping?  What next? I don't want to go to the er.  What can I do?  

Surrender, and embrace it, the real and the hard.

Reluctantly we call the on-call Onc.  

But I'm shaking my head, because it plays out just as I thought. 

Despite all the explanations... he says...

"Come in." 

I don't want to come in, therefor he can not help me over the phone.

We ask how many more pills I can take of the expired stuff?  More if I need to.  Just take the old stuff.

So I do.  I take more, and succumb to sweet sleep.  On and off over the next few days, I take the Oxy when needed.

 I see Dr. Panwalkar in a few days and I know I'll be seen, and heard and helped.  

In the midst of it all, it's just a simple buzz on my phone that I've laid on the table far from where I rest.  But when I see the name "Ria," and see the attached files, I can't help but sit down at the computer and look...  she has beautifully edited all of the photos from our shoot with her.  

When life yields the most brutal, sometimes smack dab in the middle of it, is the most beautiful.  Ria's timing was impeccable.  She's gifted us with more than she can ever fully know. I sit and cry through photo after photo- reliving all the moments.  The sunshine.  The laughter of the boys and their silly antics. The beauty of God's creation.  The love shown.  The sharpness in my shoulder magnifies my ability to see beauty and abundance.  

I truly understand Glennon's idea.  Its brutal.   It's beautiful.  And its real, and hard, and well.  

I'm sharing just a handful of photos, with hopes to come back and share more soon... 

~all shall be well~