Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Brutiful...




It just comes in real.  It's one of those hard places, when you can't logically figure out where it came from, or when it all started.  I just know last week, a pain was searing my shoulder.  And I couldn't stop it.  

I take Tylenol and soak in a hot bath.  I prop my bed up to a reclining position and use my heating pad- on high.  Still no end to the dull roar.  I attempt to "choose joy" literally to embrace the heat and heal my back...




At times the pain subsides and I pray it's easing up.  But then its ripping through my back again, radiating everywhere.

My scans were fine in this area.  I can cross this out of my head.  And treatment was two weeks ago- shouldn't be side effects- not like this.  How do I even call the doctor?  I didn't fall.  I have no infection or fever.  My counts are good.  What is there to even check?

I look through my bin of meds, with the Oxycodone of long ago, singing out to me, "pick me, pick me."  



Oh how I despise you.  Oh how I love you.

I slam the drawer shut again, thinking, I'll just grit my teeth and bare it.  I promise Rick if it isn't better by the next morning, we'll call in to the doctor.

I take my sleeping meds and off to dreamland I go.

It's bearable the next morning and I quietly switch back to advil and hope.  Why is this even happening? 

But just hours later, I go to toss the ball for Crosby and there it is again... searing, blazing, all through the corners of my back- have you no mercy?

I crumple into bed, angry, spent, hurt.  

Oh how my mind narrows.  Throb, throb, hurt.

Oxy, are you my only hope right now?

I do it. Its getting late.  I take 1 old expired 5mg pill.  I sneak my eyes past the expiration date of 2013.  Its good enough for now.

Hours later, my mind is dulled, but the pain is razor sharp.  I'm so sensitive to pain meds, if this isn't helping?  What next? I don't want to go to the er.  What can I do?  

Surrender, and embrace it, the real and the hard.

Reluctantly we call the on-call Onc.  

But I'm shaking my head, because it plays out just as I thought. 

Despite all the explanations... he says...

"Come in." 


I don't want to come in, therefor he can not help me over the phone.

We ask how many more pills I can take of the expired stuff?  More if I need to.  Just take the old stuff.

So I do.  I take more, and succumb to sweet sleep.  On and off over the next few days, I take the Oxy when needed.

 I see Dr. Panwalkar in a few days and I know I'll be seen, and heard and helped.  


In the midst of it all, it's just a simple buzz on my phone that I've laid on the table far from where I rest.  But when I see the name "Ria," and see the attached files, I can't help but sit down at the computer and look...  she has beautifully edited all of the photos from our shoot with her.  

When life yields the most brutal, sometimes smack dab in the middle of it, is the most beautiful.  Ria's timing was impeccable.  She's gifted us with more than she can ever fully know. I sit and cry through photo after photo- reliving all the moments.  The sunshine.  The laughter of the boys and their silly antics. The beauty of God's creation.  The love shown.  The sharpness in my shoulder magnifies my ability to see beauty and abundance.  



I truly understand Glennon's idea.  Its brutal.   It's beautiful.  And its real, and hard, and well.  


I'm sharing just a handful of photos, with hopes to come back and share more soon... 


~all shall be well~
































18 comments:

  1. Hmm... could you have a pinched nerve in your neck? Those can be horrible! But fixable. Beautiful images.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Karen- could be- I so haven't figured it out- but am going with pain meds for now when I need them- definitely helps for the short term.

      Delete
  2. I suspect you're a private person, as we're just hearing about this now. You're entitled to that, but I wish I had known so I could've prayed. I hope there are those you text with a word or two so that you know you're not struggling alone. Hugs and prayers. The pictures are fantastic, esp the one of you and Rick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I got so focused on managing in general, Jenn, I truly shut out the outside world. Its odd in a way- but I couldn't focus on reading, or watching tv, or wanting to talk to anyone- the only thing that is on your mind is the pain. So I've conceded to using pain meds, and will have a better plan after I see Dr. P. You're right- I will try next time to ask for prayer as it truly has seen me through so much! Thanks Jenn!

      Delete
  3. Truly beautiful photos, in every way, but especially the people in them. And of course, the lighting. Perfect, glorious, revealing. Aw, Vicky, darn. I hurt thinking of you in pain and you're the one having to deal with it. I'm so sorry. Please Lord, bring relief to my dear friend, and soon!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Roxane, we felt so lucky to have them taken and on the perfect night, too. Thankful for your sweet words and prayers! Praying all is well with you, too!

      Delete
  4. Oh my sweet friend,
    I just read Glennon's book, Love Warrior, and she makes such a case for how we see life more vividly when we understand that the best is often wrapped in the hard. What a brutal pain you had in your shoulder. I am so sorry. I just know that Dr. P may have some idea of what is going on. As always, you are in my prayers! And those pictures...I am smitten with them all. I especially love the one where Nolan has you wrapped in his arms. And Colton...oh my, how he has grown. I love the smores shots, a perfect reminder of summer fun.

    I love you, Vicky Held Westra, my dear soul sis, and I so appreciate how honest and transparent your words are!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I haven't read the book yet- but its on my list! The boys were such troopers about shooting with me and doing as we asked- hehe and the s'mores sure helped too! Your sweet words uplift me so- love you dear one- so much!

      Delete
  5. Beautiful photographs. Simply gorgeous.
    I'm so sorry that your pain is severe.
    Will Dr. Panwalker give you a current script for pain meds? I hope that whatever is causing that pain will be diagnosed and fixed (yesterday. )
    You have a beautiful family. They have a beautiful Mother and Wife.
    Praying for a pain-free remainder of the week and weekend.
    Love you, my friend. Always.
    Jackie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jackie- I do have a request in for a new script for pain meds to see me through. I have faith we will get it managed soon- I'm just being more consistent in taking them and its helped. Thankful for your prayers- am certain all of you faithful prayer warriors are helping me immensely too!

      Delete
  6. Beautiful images. I'm so sorry for your pain. May I make a suggestion? If you look up what each of your medications depletes from your body, including Advil, replacing those vital nutrients might help you to feel better. Magnesium was a godsend for me after fluoroquinolones knocked me for a complete, life altering loop.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your suggestion- yes- I think that's a great idea! Magnesium is definitely something I take daily- just not too much of it, right? Thankful for the suggestion!! Pray you are feeling much better!

      Delete
  7. I love this post--the brutiful honesty. I love your heart. I love your writing, your openness. And right now, I'm praying for your pain to lift from your shoulder. May He turn the brutal into beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beautifully articulated words, from a beautiful heart. So thankful for those faithful prayers that continue to see me through!

      Delete
  8. Just simply amazing...you looks so beautiful in these pictures, and your guys are all just so handsome. Your boys - oh, you must be so proud of them. Young men. :) Your words are so full of insight, wisdom and such love. It just resonates from you onto the page. I don't understand how you can bring so much to others when you're feeling so much pain. I don't get it. But you do, and I pray that you get relief from this pain. Wish I could do something more, but I will pray for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for such sweet words! I feel thankful that I am able to string some words together and that you all come and it means so much more to me than I can even say. You, coming here, is enough! Thanks friend!

      Delete
  9. Thank you, as always, Vicky, for sharing the steps in your ever challenging journey. You are in my prayers each day whether or not you write. The photos are truly treasures...beautiful, loving, caring family sharing time together.
    Kristin

    ReplyDelete
  10. I LOVE all your family photos Vicky. Thinking of you Vicky...and keeping you in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete

I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

When you get lucky

When you get lucky

Popular Posts

Minnesota.com

Minnesota.com - MN Weather, Map, Businesses and Blogs