holding space

What does it mean to "hold space?"

 I found a beautiful blog post, by Heather Plett that explains "It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control."

I've been pondering it's meaning ever since I read it...  

We'd had quite a week already.  I'd finally conceded.  Sometimes, I struggle with catching my breath, when I have to walk very far.  Or I step out into the cold winter air and it stings me in a way I can't seem to catch my breath.  Or I walk up a flight of stairs.  And if I have to carry something?  Its not pretty to see what shape I'm in when I get to where I'm going. 

 So I've surrendered, to the blue tag special.  True to his nature, Dr. Panwalkar started to fill out the paper work right away when I asked.  He raised his eyebrow, and then said, "You mean we haven't done this already?" I simply shook my head no.  Then he quickly checked the box at the way right corner that said it was good for the next 6 years, and slid the forms over to me.  No questions.  No hesitation.   He was holding space for me.  He held space.   

It was a long day of chemo.   

Rick had little time to sit and work, but rather drove the rest of us back and forth to school, the clinic, the pharmacy.  He got me lunch.  Then took Nolan's skates to get sharpened. Then picked me up and we scurried off to Nolan's hockey game.  

It was late when we finally got home that night.  I was in a beyond tired 6-drugs infused- kind of stupor by that time.  I just wanted bed.  Blankets.  Warmth.  Sweet sleep.

But...

The sheets were still in the dryer.  It had been my last hurrah, the day before.  Its like chemo-nesting.  You run the errands, wash the clothes, scrub the bathrooms, clean the counters, and get ready, to do absolutely nothing for the next few days.  

So superman went and got the sheets.  And slowly worked his way around the bed, tucking, folding, bending, arranging.  Rubbing his back while he worked.  Tired.  He was so tired.  While I lay there, watching.

And tears crept down my face... because... then this.

I said "I'm sorry.  You've become me.  I am burdening you. You do all of you, and then you have to do me, too."  I used to drive the kids, run the errands, make the bed..."  And you'd work.  Now?  You don't get a choice.  You do both. You have to do both."

And that sweet man said this... "Honey, I just feel like I'm making up for all those times YOU had to do it all, and I wasn't here to help you.  Thats all."  And he kissed my fuzzy little head, and pulled the blankets around me. 

Holding space.  He is holding space for me too.  

Today, I was reading Ann Voskamp's Saturday post and she had a song in her post...

My friend had mentioned this song to me last week, and she said I thought of you because, your maiden name is "Held."  

"Just be Held" by Casting Crowns...  Could it fit any more perfect?  He is King of holding space!

I'm off to see Dr. Panwalkar today.  I had blood drawn from my port today, and my lab work shows some fairly low numbers.  We'll see about chemo...

In the meantime maybe you want to hear this?

Who will you hold space for today?