Monday, September 21, 2015

grace


“But grace can be the experience of a second wind, when even though what you want is clarity and resolution, what you get is stamina and poignancy and the strength to hang on.” 

― Anne LamottHelp Thanks Wow: The Three Essential Prayers




The beautiful basket of flowers my friend, Linda, sent to me.


Rick says he gets asked all the time, "Great news about Vicky's scans,  is she out enjoying herself?"  And he smiles and shakes his head, "no, not quite."  

Even though this week will mark my second week past chemo- I haven't fully come back into feeling well.  I tire so easily.  I walked across the street yesterday, sat in the sun a bit with my friend, and came home with the gift of a pie plate full of delicious apple crisp.

But I was struggling to breathe just from coming across the street.  The sun had zapped any energy I had and I tumbled into bed exhausted.  Again.  Just like the day before.  Which reminds me of Friday, and most of the days before that...  as I experience a myriad of chemo side effects.  

In truth?  I barely leave the house.  My world feels very small.  My mind quiet.  My voice hushed.

But October has some big dates circled on the calendar.  The "embracing life," breast cancer retreat will be October 1st and 2nd.  I will be doing part of the "Using technology to promote healing, panel."  And our stage iv, fourward, group has a special presentation we are working on.  And Dr. Panwalkar will be part of a panel of experts answering all of our questions.  I can't believe its the 3rd retreat already and I've been given the honor of being a part of all 3. 

It's also Moorhead High School's Homecoming Weekend, and Nolan went to great lengths to surprise a sweet girl with an invitation to attend the Homecoming Dance with him... and she said yes.  Of course, that is about all I know, but am hopeful more will be disclosed when he is ready to share with me.  Oh to be 15 again. 

In the meantime my prayers include asking for the very kind of grace that Anne Lamott speaks of- a second wind ripe with stamina and strength to hang on and just keep going- living out His will for my life.  































28 comments:

  1. Dear Vicky, the phrase that popped into my head as I read: baby steps.

    I am praying that little by little, everyday, you will feel more spring in your step, that the Lord will be your daily strength.

    It's very exciting to think of you taking part in the retreat. You have so much to share. God bless your preparations.

    Walking this journey with you is teaching me not to take every day things (graces) for granted.

    Love from Munich xxc

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Always refreshing to read your encouraging words, Susan- they're wise and speak to me. "Baby steps," yes, that is what it is going to take. Love from Minnesota to Munich!

      Delete
  2. Well, sister, you know incredulity is my spiritual gift so may I just say that I am always amazed when folks just don't get what chemo does to you and how long it takes to recover or feel able to even do the tiniest of tasks without feeling like you're going to collapse into a total puddle. ESPECIALLY as many rounds as you have been subjected to and the extreme severity. God bless your heart and body. That you can even stand, let alone walk across the street is HERCULEAN. I am grateful to know there are people in life who have never walked this path or known someone who has so they just can't understand. I guess that should give us all hope.

    Grateful for each day you survived that cure that is nearly as bad as the disease and grateful for your plans. Praying for renewed strength moment-by-moment and can't wait for the news and the photos. And gratef beyond measure that this is year three that you will speak. Loving you from afar but you are never far from my heart and mind.

    Praise God for two weeks away from the chemo. Praying and love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thankful to always have your astute ability in knowing where I am coming from- it helps me feel heard, and seen, friend, and understood. I know you are going through your own challenges right now, and you are never far from my mind and heart as well- so much love and peace to you right now as you soldier on~

      Delete
  3. You've got my prayers dear friend. Prayers for strength and renewal. Chemo gives you both the good of attacking the cancer and the bad of it's effects on the body. I remember my Dad going through all you describe. Just remember that each day that passes is one step farther away from your treatment. Each day, is a step closer to feeling stronger.

    Love and hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true Eileen- the hardest part is also knowing that each day is a step closer to the next treatment, and so I pray the days I feel well, come and will be enough to help me go back and be ready to do the next chemo again. Sigh... those prayers truly help me with all of this. Love and hugs to you!

      Delete
  4. praying for you this day, as well as those you requested prayers for on my blog. your heart has such capacity for BIG living, dearheart. i pray God will give you increasing strength for the good things that are ahead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope so, too, Jenn- thank you! xoxo

      Delete
  5. Linda is a sweet blogging friend....a prayer warrior, and the flowers she sent are beautiful.
    Thank you for keeping us updated on how you are feeling. Knowing helps me to pray accordingly. You are dear to me, and I continue to pray that the good days will outweigh the bad ones for you. You, my dear are a TROOPER beyond measure.
    High fives from here in South Georgia to you.
    Love,
    Jackie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Much love to you, friend- your words speak volumes to me and I am high fiving you right back- with loads of love being sent your way as well~

      Delete
  6. Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength ~ praying this for you as you patiently ever so faithfully wait on the Lord. Believing stronger days ahead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thankful for those faith filled words and believing right along with you~

      Delete
  7. Oh sweet Vicki,
    I am so grateful that you share your authentic self here, my dear soul sis. Reading about you being unable to cross a road and breathe easily brings tears to my eyes. I am praying non-stop for your renewed energy and healing. That you can turn the corner from the latest awful dose of chemo. Such a hard catch 22...having more time comes from taking these awful drugs.
    Thank heavens for God's deep and abiding love. His healing powers. His answered prayers for you, honey. He is there in your room with you. When your voice is hushed, He hears what is in your heart. You are never alone.

    And I am so glad for plans that make you smile. My heart stopped when you mentioned that Nolan had asked a girl to Homecoming and a smile burst forth when you wrote..."She said "yes!" And you talking at the retreat, sharing your story and wisdom, your heart, your authenticity. They are so blessed to have a chance to listen to you. Three years...:) :)

    So know that we are all praying. We are not giving up! We are praying for more energy, and stamina, and more time. Much more time where you feel lots better.
    I love you deep and wide, dear Vicky. To the moon and back!
    Linda

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for that extra heaping dose of prayers, Linda! I slowly go through each word you write, each little bit that you so carefully and lovingly take the time to write. I am just so touched by it- as are so many others! Deep and wide, friend, loving you deep and wide.

      Delete
  8. Prayers will continue on this end.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Since your world is so small right now, how about I write you about mine? Vicky, we are doing so well with this 14 year old boy in our home ;-). We have had some big and scary crises but we have overcome. Because He has a plan. We have been gifted a hurt boy but he is oh so amazing. He truly is remarkable, and although so hurt... God protected him from much. He is smart, he has humor, he doesn't mind standing out in a crowd, he sees and helps others. We were at a conference at church and he decided to sit with this big grown man who is extremely autistic.He was rather scary I thought because I tried to do the same but our boy, he just stuck with him although they couldn't speak. Our boy found a way to communicate. He always has a ton of little children following him around and he is always patient to turn around and play. We are glad of the redemptive power at work in our home, Praise God. On a personal note I have some deep hurts going on with lots of rejection from my family that I am yet again working through. I just want to be wanted... I want to have a mom, sisters. Instead I feel alone and lost without having that foundation. I know I have to let it go and process the pain. But I am also focusing on the gifts God has given me. The gift of marriage, an amazing husband (who would have thought I could reach that?) and now a boy (and soon 2 boys) in our home. Life is to be celebrated. I hope I learn to do that more and more with deliverance of pain. That is me (us) in a nutshell.

    Know I am thinking of you lots. You are doing great, even in weakness. Know you are always an example. Continue being real and I love you for it! Lots and lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maddy, I don't know you..but it seems there is a reason your post and heartfelt struggles were posted write before I was going to post. I don't know any circumstances. When you wrote, " On a personal note I have some deep hurts going on with lots of rejection from my family that I am yet again working through. I just want to be wanted... I want to have a mom, sisters. Instead I feel alone and lost without having that foundation." My heart lurched and understood. For years I did not 'fit' into my family. I don't know why? And I still don't, not really. I love them, but I am not really seen by them. What I do know is this. "I know who I am. I am good. I care deaply for others, and like you could have a child in my home that I could love and guide." Wrap yourself in knowing all the good in you. Maybe who you are was created due to the voids in your life...I know in many ways, who I am today is not just the positives but also the pains. YET I wouldn't trade who I am. I would rather be compassionate me with my heart on my sleeve. Then rich or famous or 'what my family wanted me to be'. My father was the hardest on me...yet due to that, I found a true and real father who created me and made me...just perfect the way I am. It seems to me, you have found this same father. I had to comment, because I know that pain. Lean into that amazing husband, and the gifts of boys that you get to nurture and help...you must be pretty amazing is all I can say!!! prayers to you and your family :)

      Delete
    2. Maddy, its so wonderful to hear from you and hear the update. If anyone could succeed in what you are doing, its you, friend. You have been prepared to do this very thing- providing a loving home to a young boy who has grown up with so much lacking in his life. Being a wonderful wife to your husband. And writing so authentically and vulnerably about your experiences through all of this. I also pray that you celebrate, YOU and all that you continue to do to grow and become. I'm so honored to call you, friend, Maddy- so honored! Much love to you~

      Delete
  10. Oh Vicky! I have never experienced Chemo, however I have known it can takes months to get back to a normal of sorts after the last dose. And a sort of normal means not so sickly because I have heard the fatigue can last for awhile were one doesn't quiet feel like they were back before the point they started. However I have great hope that by Halloween as the holiday season comes on...you will feel more energy and not so much fatigue. The flowers from Linda are beautiful. Nolan has a date! for the dance! Oh these are those moments you have prayed to see. And we have prayed with you! And you will see more of these moments! How I love your quotes, your grace and your real... It truly feeds my soul Vicky....things I need to hear! Love you pretty lady!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Peggy- yes what you say is true- but I have just days before my next treatment. Maybe that is why I am praying so hard for some energy- because very soon, I will be knocked down again, in order to keep knocking cancer back- its simply all there is to do right now. Am so glad you garner something of sustenance out of my words- I'm truly touched by that, Peggy! So much love to you~

      Delete
  11. I can't even imagine what you're going through. I love all the things your friends write. They are so full of spirit. It's nice to be around such faith.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Such a great way to put it, Kass- I always love the perspective you have on everything.- amen- its good to be around such wonderful portrayals of faith.

      Delete
  12. Dearest Vicky—that has been my daily prayers for you since you started this chemo, along with praying the chemo would do it’s job. I continue to praise and thank the Lord it is doing it’s job—and trust the Lord will give you the strength you need every day. I’m reminded of your post about the Lifeguard test—you can do this Vicky, the Lord is with you! Do you have chemo every 21 days? Although I didn’t have the kind of hard, hard chemo you’re having I do remember thinking, oh gee, just as I start feeling better it’s time to do it again...whew.
    I’ve just started a Bible study called “Always True”—God’s Promises When Life Is Hard. We are studying the first promise this week:

    “I Will Not Fear; God Is Always with Me.”

    Praying you will feel the presence of God in a powerful way this week, Vicky. He is always with you.

    Much love to you,
    Nina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like an amazing Bible study focus.

      Delete
    2. Sounds like an amazing Bible study focus.

      Delete
  13. Dear Vicky; I am writing this at then close of my week of fall break where my son and I are serving at Blue Skies, a retreat for families living with childhood cancer (www.whereskiesareblue.org). The purpose of the camp is to give the patients and their family a much needed break from hospitals, treatment, not enough time with mom and dad, for siblings to feel like they matter and for love, laughter and joy to abound. I am emotionally and physically drained but my heart is so full. My eyes have been opened to so much and as I was reading your blog tonight I was thinking about how much goes on with a diagnosis of cancer that those of us who have never walked through never really know. We cannot imagine the far reaching fingers of cancer. So tonight, I am praying for the broken places to be healed, the hard circumstances to resolve, the shortcomings to be fulfilled, the hard places to be made easy and the rough edges of cancer to be made smooth. I am praying for a second wind that takes your breath away with its fullness and completeness so you are not hanging on at the tail end but rather leading the way, face to the wind, joy in the heart and path straight ahead. I know its a tall order but I somehow feel its necessary. Praying the coming days are a respite for you, that your world grows bigger and your heart more full. sending love and hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Looking forward to Nolan's homecoming pictures. Surprised I have 'known' you so long that he's progressed to dating and dances! Always thinking of you and your journey

    ReplyDelete

I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

When you get lucky

When you get lucky

Popular Posts

Minnesota.com

Minnesota.com - MN Weather, Map, Businesses and Blogs