Thursday, April 16, 2015

"This much I know is true…"

April 15, Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

"Trust Me, and don't be afraid.  Many things feel out of control.  Your routines are not running smoothly.  You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable.  Let Me Lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances.  Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure…"





My phone lays quietly, often in some remote spot I left it in.  No need to hover anymore for her call.  Mom's call.  It would come at 10, then 3, and then 9 pm when I was readying for bed.  I startle now, when the phone rings.  My heart leaps for a brief instant, and then I pause, realizing I no longer have any idea who it might be.  

Its so quiet.  How do you fill the silence? And that space.  That "Mary Ann," shaped space in my life that refuses to fill right now, with anything else.  

I numbly stumble my way into Dr. Panwalkar's exam room on Tuesday.  When he asks how I am, I blankly answer, "Okay, I'm okay."  

He pauses, searching my face for clues.  "Why just okay?"


The tears rimming my eyes, threaten to slip, as my voice hushes and I barely squeak out a reply "My mom died a week ago."  

We sit in silence a moment or two.

Dr. P's face registers compassion, and understanding.  As usual, his understatement speaks volumes to me.

"I'm sorry."  

But I already feel it, hovering in the space between us.  

And really?  I'm still in that haze of grief and loss and what just happened to us?  

Suddenly, I see we've moved on as I shift my focus again.

But when we go over the PET scan?  And he shows the 3 tumors that have grown?  

"Oh well,"  I think.  Because I can't multiply sadness any longer.  I just can't add more + more + more.

The news barely registers.

At the end of our conversation, I remind Dr. Panwalkar its been 4 years.  He smiles, in acknowledgement.  

Then says, "You are a trooper," while shaking his head.

And I tell him, I am lucky, and beyond grateful, and have a deep desire to keep going on.

He walks me to infusion and as he reaches over to side hug me- I reach my arm back around his side and hug him right back.  


Even though I have no earthly idea how I am going to do this.

This much I know is true.

I deeply desire moving forward.




Today, I am going to have my brain MRI with sedation.  I am bringing you all with, to pray over.  

I'll be back with results soon.



I also long to come back and share about my mom's funeral.  

Her dollar story.

The word "come," and my Uncle Ernie.

And the gem of a quote my mother wrote on a small square of paper she carried with her.

It lightens my heart to come here and share.  This is one way, I know, will help me find my way back from the grief filled haze that obscures my days right now.



























48 comments:

  1. Oh Vicky, what heaviness you bear. Way more than your share. My mom died 2 years ago after many crises. I still reach for the phone sometimes to check in with her. There is no way out of this grief, other than, sadly to feel it. But also to keep some space open for today -- the grief we can sometimes put on a shelf and take down because the sadness will always be there, but not as present and heavy as it is now. My heart will be thinking of your MRI today.

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    1. Thankful for your kind and soothing words, Joan. Much love to you~

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  2. I hope it lightens your heart, even a little, to know that we carry some of the burden with you -- for you.

    Jesus says "my yoke is easy and my burden light" because He is so strong and walks along side us, shouldering the load. AND He gives us each other.

    Your post holds such depth of emotion, without an excess of words. I feel like I'm with you. I *wish* I were there, to give you a hug and a helping hand. God bless you, dear Vicky.

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    1. Susan- your beautiful words touch me so. Thank you- I do feel you, and so many others with me. The light shines through your words and lifts my heart, and one day those moments will tie together and I'll be coming through the other side. Hugging you right back~

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  3. So, so sorry for your loss, Vicky. I well remember your mom as pleasant, yet fully "in charge" when I worked in dining services as a student. Her wit and warmth are forever in my mind.

    I have no magic words that would help ease the immense pain you feel. But I take heart in knowing that you continue to lean on HIM who suffered the most for all of us to get you through this dark time.

    God be with you...
    Roger

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    1. Thank you, Roger, for taking the time to share about your memories of my mom, with me. I think you "got" her just right. Yes- leaning on Him- always- knowing He will see me through.

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  4. xoxoxo and prayers and more xoxoxo and so much more Vicky! So much more!

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    1. Thank you, Tiffany, feeling all of it and so grateful- hugs right back to you~

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  5. Thinking about you so much about last week and your days since then... I am so sorry.... Hope your Brian MRI goes quickly I hate those loud darn things... Hugs and blessings everyday!
    Michelle

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    1. Thinking of you right back, Michelle, so often. I use sedation for the MRI and that is the best way to get through it. Hugs and love to you~

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  6. Been thinking about you a lot lately, Vicky. I'm going to rev up my prayers.

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    1. So wonderful to read those words, Katie, rev away~thankful to read that.

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  7. I understand your grief and know you will deal with it in the best way you are able. It's a hard thing to do under normal circumstances, but made much more difficult with everything else you are dealing with. Blessings to you and, as always, thoughts and prayers.

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    1. I haven't quite figured it out, but in some ways, because of all that I am dealing with, maybe I was more able to deal with this too? I don't know. I do know, my mother and I were closer because we knew exactly how the other was feeling about having a challenging medical condition- and that says a lot.

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  8. You've been coming to my heart so many times. I love you. And I'm so very sorry about your mama. And did I say I love you?

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    1. You said exactly what I long to hear- I love you, too, Miss Julie. So much.

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  9. It's so hard to carry such burdens in your soul when you really need joy.
    I still miss my parents a lot. I still wish I could reach out and talk to them.
    Concentrate on joy Vicky. Your Mom is still with you. She will never be far.
    Remember the good times. xoxoxoxo

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    1. Thankful for your wise words. Joy will find me again, when my eyes shift their focus again, I know they will see and I will feel. xxoo

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  10. Replies
    1. I love YOU, Robynn. So much.

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    2. You know I am not a woman of few words. But all I could utter for you last week was love. Your pain was/is vast. Your face bespoke it all and its depth is profound. I am lying in bed right now wakeful in the night and thinking of it, and you. Prayers are being sent for so many needs in your life. Grief is a grueling trudge when experienced under the more usual circumstances of life and your circumstances are very far outside that definition. May our knowing and loving God send His angels to help you carry this load and may He send light to shine through even the tiniest cracks of hope and relief and healing.

      You are an incredible daughter who, without doubt, brought your mom and dad bountiful joy and love keenly expressed and played out in so many different ways. The depth of grief you feel is an abiding testimony to who you are and who they were in this life.

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  11. just because you believe doesn't mean you don't have struggles, doesn't mean you don't have grief, doesn't mean you don't have uncertainty. BECAUSE you believe, though, you DO have hope, you DO have a secure future (where you will see your parents again), and you DO have the One Who never leaves us or forsakes us walking right beside you and Nolan and Colton and Rick.

    love you, friend. thank you for trusting us with your heavy heart.

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    1. This was beautifully written, Jenn and its filled with beauty and wisdom. Thank you~

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  12. I can just feel the heaviness and loss in your "voice" and am so sorry.

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    1. Yes, it just is, and may be for awhile. xxoo

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  13. I'm SO sorry Vicky, my heart aches for you!! I'm still praying for a miracle! Love you!

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    1. Kay- so sweet of you- thank you- sending love right back to you, friend~

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  14. Hugs and prayers for you, sweet Vicky~ ♥

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    1. Hugs and prayers right back to you Jan- you are in my thoughts often and I pray you are doing well.

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  15. Oh my precious friend,
    My tears are flowing and I wish I could hug you gently and take on some of your sadness and pain. It's so true, my special friend, there is only so much sadness we can bare, only so much before we are numb. I am praying and praying for your weary heart, sweet Vicky. Your prayer warriors too are praying. We will not stop believing.

    Know that I love you, always to the moon and back.
    Linda

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    1. I feel you, sweet friend, I truly do. I long to be here, more, and in time I will. xxoo

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  16. My lovely Vicky,

    with a heavy heart I read about your grief. I haven´t enough words (you know my english) and so its really hard to wrote the emotional things that I want to say. It´s easier for me to send you my preffered words in english from Mary Elizabeth Frye:

    Do not stand at my grave and weep;
    I am not there. I do not sleep.
    I am a thousand winds that blow.
    I am the diamond glints on snow.
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
    I am the gentle autumn rain.
    When you awaken in the morning's hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush
    Of quiet birds in circled flight.
    I am the soft stars that shine at night.
    Do not stand at my grave and cry;
    I am not there. I did not die.

    With all my love and a big Bussal
    Mimi

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    1. Oh Mimi- that is beautiful- that truly says so much in a poetic way. Thank you friend for your heartfelt words and love. Many Bussals to you~

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  17. Vicky: I have never met you, and I only recently replied to your blog after a long time "lurking". I'm sorry about the timing of all this, and I imagine your heart is so very sad. I wish there was something I could do to fix all of this for you. I want you (no, NEED you) to know that you are not alone. There are so many of us who love you and pray for you. We may not be able to walk this all for you, but we are walking---beside you. XO

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    1. Pat- I so love hearing from long time readers- thank you for sharing YOU today. I feel you all here- even though I have no idea who you all are, I am just so humbled and grateful that so many walk this walk with me- beside me is a beautiful image~ thankful for you :)

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  18. I am sad with you, but I value walking this walk with you and all the amazing people who love and support you.

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    1. That honors me so, that you would say that, and walk with me- so touched.

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  19. You have been in my thoughts daily. I ran across this quote awhile ago, and it really sums up what it is to grieve. "Grief is the last act of love we can give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love." I will continue to pray for peace and comfort for you and your family!

    I am so sorry to hear that your tumors have grown. I pray that Dr. P. will have suggestions for treatment.

    Take care, my friend. You are always in my thoughts and prayers!

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    1. I appreciate how much you are thinking of me and praying for peace. I know the veil will lift at some point, but am just going along with how I feel for now. Thankful for friends like you~

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  20. My dear soul sis, Vicky,
    You have been on my heart all morning. I want you to know that no matter what, I am on that battered old truck with you. No matter how many steep curves it goes around or if it heads to the lake, I am on it.

    No matter what. Always. And I believe in you and in miracles and that God is in the midst of all of this. So, my dear friend, you are not alone. Not now, not ever. God is there and so are we.

    Love you to the moon and back...
    Linda

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    1. I'm clinging, friend, and believing. Couldn't do it without you, right beside me.

      Love you to the moon and all the way back~

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  21. Sweet Vicki; I know those days of grief can be so overwhelming. Praying that the razor sharp hurt is beginning to dull and the memories are becoming a balm to your soul. Sending hugs your way; know your readers are praying for you.

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    1. Jenny- I think "dull," is the word. I am just in a bubble of grief, that dulls my senses altogether. I know it took months for it to lift, with my Dad, and am willing to just keep moving forward and slowly it will lift. Thankful so many are praying for me- sending hugs right back to you!

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  22. Though the voice is silent, the spirit echos still....

    Because of your strong faith - you know in your heart of hearts that your parents are together again watching over you, Vicky. May you find comfort in the believing as you wade through these difficult days.

    much love here from your blog friends -

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  23. April 22
    Dear Vicky,
    I didn't know until today that your sweet Mama passed away. I read this post and then went back to the post before and read it with tear-filled eyes. My heart is broken for you and your family. I am so sorry, Vicky. I also cry because I feel the pain through this post as to how much your tiny shoulders have had to bear in the past few months. I want to take some of that weight from you, but I am not strong enough nor do I have the ability. But, I know the One who can and will. I'm praying to our Father Who is in Heaven to comfort you and to lift you.
    I am as so very sorry that I didn't know about your Mama. I am suffering through health issues of my own right now, but I assure you that I will continue to lift you up, Vicky. I promise you that.
    I send my love to you. And I take comfort in knowing that your Daddy was there to put his arms around your Mama as she entered those Gates of Pearl.
    A kiss for them both......

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