Thursday, February 19, 2015

just believe



It's late afternoon when the phone rings and my heart races a little when I see the Sanford number appear.  The male voice hesitates, than says, "Vicky?"

I instantly hear mere remnants of his Indian accent, as he fully pronounces the "V" in my name like a pro. It's Dr. Panwalkar calling, and I assure him its me.

He jumps right into the report.  He always manages to condense a 3 page report into a few sentences.  

"The scan shows that the 3 spots in your lungs, have slightly progressed now.  They are showing more uptake on the scan.  However, it does not seem significant enough at this time to discontinue your current treatment.  Okay?"

And then he says, 

"Oh, and there were no new spots found."  

So it appears "stable mabel," is slipping from my grasp, but she's rather on the slow side.  

He asks if I have any questions, and I don't.  

"Very good.  I'll put the report in the mail. Have a good one!"

And he's off.


I still steel myself for the actual report the day it arrives in the mail.  I trust Dr. Panwalkar's interpretation, which is usually in keeping with the radiologist's report.

It's just the details- the finite detail of how much cancer, and precisely which vital organ the cancer is next too, that causes me to conjure up pictures that make me feel anxious.

And then there is that one little sentence that throws me for a loop, this time.  Its suggesting "uptake," on the left side of my abdomen, in my colon.  (It is not reporting a lesion, or spot of any kind.  Only that for some reason, my colon shows uptake of the tracer, on the scan.)  The report suggests a Colonscopy is in order based on these findings.

Ohhhhh.  Dr. P didn't mention anything about that, yet.  Even though I'll see him again soon,  I place a call to him and am waiting to hear back.  

So can breast cancer metastasize to the colon?  Or can you get colon cancer and breast cancer?  

How can I possibly think my way through this? 

My mind whirls, and it all starts to feel like too much.






So I'm choosing to go back to my word.  I have to put something else in my brain and hang on to that.   

Really, all I have to do, is look down.  Its right there on my chest… Just believe.  




Just the other day, the doorbell rang, and to my great delight and surprise, was Shirley, a friend of my mother's and myself.  Shirley and I were both overcome by emotion.  

Her daughter, Susan, had sent me a copy of picture of the sweatshirt above on Facebook.  I loved just seeing it! I think its part of the reason I chose this word.  I hoped to lay eyes on the word "believe," as often as I could, in whatever ways I could.  

The sweatshirt fits perfectly and I wore it all day yesterday, even when I went to see my mom.  My mother couldn't get over her friend Shirley, and her daughter Susan, had so generously given me this lovely gift.

And the doughnuts?  Homemade by my childhood church- Grace church, by Shirley and a group of woman- and they are divine! So we brought some of those over to my mom as well.

Out of the blue, mom said she was craving pizza.  Would we want to come over and have pizza with her one day?  I mentioned a childhood favorite of hers, Duane's House of Pizza, and she was instantly excited.  "My favorite!  Oh could you bring that?"

It was just the tiniest hint of the mother I've known all these years, peeking through the veneer of contentment, and stillness, that prevails these days.  

So we spent the night giggling over whose rooster tail was bigger, Colton's or Grandma's?  

And we ate, and watched hockey and relaxed.




~all things are possible, if you believe~ all things~




















31 comments:

  1. Tearing up with the beauty--the awe--the joy in all of this, and in you, my friend. You just keep on drawing me (us!) to Him and to your incredible Word.

    So much love ~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thankful for your sweet and encouraging words, Julie. So much love to you, sweet one~

      Delete
  2. I believe with you beautiful sweet friend, I love how the sweatshirt fits you like a glove and I also love how your mom was craving pizza! Like the old times...Praying for you always and sending you love xox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So good to see you here, Anyes. Thankful for your sweet prayers and encouraging words always! Sending love~

      Delete
  3. I'm believing that all things are possible, Vicky, right along with you. Sending prayers heavenward for you. So glad to hear that your Mom was craving pizza. It's the little things that mean the most. Love and hugs dear friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thankful for your sweet prayers, Eileen. I know, how well, you know all of this and am so grateful to have you along side of me. Love and hugs to you~

      Delete
  4. Sending an extra hug tonight....and smiling with you in the happiness of seeing the hint of your Mother's joy. Blessings to you and to her, my dear friend.
    I love you,
    Jackie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love to you dear one- so good to see you here. My prayers continue for you!

      Delete
  5. Praying, hoping, believing xxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. I tend to hold my breath when I read your posts and so admire your bravery and ability to make the words come together cohesively, in spite of what's going on.

    Your Mom wanting pizza made me smile!

    Prayers for both of you... each an every night.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, friend. The pizza made all of us smile- for someone who has no appetite and blanches at most everything- to see her thoroughly enjoy something was a treat. The words simply pour out of me- as though they aren't really from me- but coming through me at times. I just feel blessed to have the ability to share :)

      Delete
  7. LOL! The rooster tail! I love it! :) Oh, and I'm sort of a sucker for donuts. Those look/ed amazing! The shirt is beautiful. I love everything about it. Indeed, believe! Sending hugs, and hope. XXOO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thankful to have you cheering me on believing along with me. I need to come, catch up, and visit friend- its been far too long!! So proud of you, the book coming out, and all that you've achieved!! Well done, friend- well done!

      Delete
  8. It's the little things, indeed :-)

    You make us all believers, Vicky. You just keep doing that thing that you do... believe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Karen- your words go straight to my heart and encourage me- wouldn't be the same without all of you helping me.

      Delete
  9. I wanted to be next door to you as I read this...I wanted to run right over, even tho I am in my PJ's and just hug you so tight! Our minds can take us away, cant they?! Mine sure has a nack for that. I am choosing to believe that cancer has not made it to your colon...that there is a reason it's showing something, but NOT cancer. There I said it and feel much better..I am choosing to believe that with all my heart mind and soul!!! The sweatshirt is Beautiful! just like the lady wearing it...I love love the colors and graphic...I am praying for you and your dear Mom...so much in your life and on your plate...and none of it is the easy stuff, all of it is the difficult stuff. I am praying that the difficult stuff calms down, and that you get time to see the rainbow thru the clouds. love you so beautiful Lady! Big hugs and many prayers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Peggy- for that specific prayer. I also would love for a stretch of time where things at least feel more stable. I'm trying to live His way for my life, despite how it feels, but I do grow weary at times- as we all do, don't we? Big hugs to you- your jammies and mine would get along perfectly together!

      Delete
  10. This sentence is brilliant: I have to put something else in my brain and hang on to that.
    This exact thinking was brought to my attention yesterday and I find this REALLY hard. How do I think about something else, as to 'trick' my brain? To have the discipline. To even remember that my brain needs other thoughts than the ones I am having? You are practiced by now right? ;-)
    X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Maddy Christine- yes I have to practice all the time. It takes much "mindfulness" and practice to change that "tape" that plays over and over again in your head. Sometimes you even have to "fake it," saying the words over and over again, even when you don't necessarily feel them or believe them. But fake it till you make it, can be powerful. Practice helps! Empty the old, to fill with the new. I'm cheering you on- I know you can do this, too :) Hugs sweet one- so good to see you here!

      Delete
  11. Refusing to believe anything BUT believing. Standing with you, holding on, grateful for such a special evening with your mom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Robynn. Feeling you right with me~ so grateful.

      Delete
  12. Just breathe.....and eat pizza.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Stay in the day, dear Vicky....stay in this day. Love ya.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh my sweet friend,
    I am BELIEVING that all shall be well...right along with you. I am praying and asking God to give you His peace of mind as you sort all out all of these puzzle pieces. I hope you've had a chance to talk to Dr. P. Isn't it so hard when we don't have all the answers? When we have bits and pieces that set our mind to worrying? Know that you are being prayed for, sweet friend... that the worry would leave you... that you would rest in His assurance and remember every minute He is there.

    I loved your Mom's request for pizza. What a here and now moment! No worry, just pizza (and it so often helps!)
    Love you to the moon and back again!
    Linda

    ReplyDelete
  15. believing with you - praying, having so much faith and hope!
    Love you sweet friend!!
    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  16. I also want to say how much I enjoy your writing. I always feel like I’m right there with you. Love the sweatshirt! And the homemade donuts, yum! And so thoughtful of your friend and other ladies. Love that you all were able to spend some precious time with your mom sharing pizza and laughter....love the rooster tail banter! Life is so serious at times, and I know that’s an understatement right now, but it’s so good to be able to laugh in spite of it all. And I’m believing Dr. P didn’t bring up the colon part because he isn’t concerned about it.
    I remember hearing a well-known Pastor say “There’s no panic in Heaven.” The Lord knows all and He is with you, Vicky. Praying for the peace that only He can give to you, the peace that passes all understanding.

    Much love and prayers to you and your whole family.
    Nina

    ReplyDelete
  17. Maybe tea made of turmeric ginger kale oregano , cayenne and a teabag would be good for you.
    Give you a bit of oomph . I make it and mash everything ( except the tea bag) and then I put everything into the tea pot and let the water brew. One cup a day and the rest can be drunk cold from the fridge. Might help your Mom too.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Vicki Spring sap from birch trees is a good tonic and it's cancer healing.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Vicky, you are so impressive.....I have no words. That's an awesome sweatshirt. Wear it proudly, and enjoy those donuts. ( Im sure you did.)

    ReplyDelete

I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

When you get lucky

When you get lucky

Popular Posts

Minnesota.com

Minnesota.com - MN Weather, Map, Businesses and Blogs