Wednesday, December 10, 2014

where we meet is in the silence...


“We're fascinated by the words--but where we meet is in the silence behind them.” 
― Ram Dass

He smiled when he walked into the room, and shook my hand, warmly.  He asks how I am and I say, "Pretty good," with a little shrug in my shoulders because I know we'll be digging into this more as the doctor's appointment goes on.  Then I ask Dr. Panwalkar, "And how are YOU?"  And he hesitates a bit, and says, Oh, I'm alright."  I nod. Quietly.   I often wonder what appointment he has just come from, and who he might be going to next.  Is he losing a patient?  Did he just newly diagnose someone?  Both?  

I like that he is real, and lets me into that space of the "hard," without being able to, nor perhaps, wanting to, share in any detail.  But there is no front of "everything is great", when sometimes, its just not.

So, we're quiet a few moments, as he goes to sit down, and I begin rehearsing the questions I have for him, as I begin answering the ones he has for me.


And yet, because he is so willing to be in the moment with me, it isn't long and my stories cause his hearty laugh to permeate the air.  

He checks me over thoroughly and notices the tightness under my right arm.  He also mentions how he can see the difference in size between my larger right arm versus my normal- sized left arm.


I remember to ask about my tumor markers, and he says they have risen again, just a bit.  Then he shows me the history of them, and I can clearly see they slowly seem to go up, and then come down and then climb yet again.  He shrugs, saying so many things can affect the numbers, its the pattern we'll continue to watch.


Based on my lack of any unusual symptoms, other than a dry cough, he feels confident in continuing on with 2 more months of Arimidex, and Herceptin infusions every 3 weeks.

He sits back in his chair a bit, and says, he is anxiously waiting for some new vaccine trials to come to Sanford.  And that there is a new Melanoma drug, that shows good promise, and he hopes there may be something similar to that for Breast Cancer in the works.

He concludes with a story of hope.  A patient of his, very similar to me with Brain Mets, who is doing remarkably well.  

What I really hear him saying, is hang on to hope, as my brain scan looms in January.

I think of the Ram Dass quote,

“We're fascinated by the words--but where we meet is in the silence behind them.” 

Dr. P stands to usher us out of the office.  We're quiet as we walk, in unison, to the infusion center.  I'm feeling my step lighten, my shoulders rise, my back straighten with each step.  I'm lighter somehow, through the silence behind the words.  He wishes me a good holiday season and heads off into the infusion center maze.  





*****************************************

So many have inquired about both my mom and I.

My mom has not fared so well.

While in the hospital over Thanksgiving,  being transferred from her bed to a cart to a procedure table, her back was banged in the process and she felt a shooting pain.

Steadily, the pain has increased.

Dr. Teigen's staff was extremely accommodating.  

Mom will have an MRI of her back tomorrow at 715 am and see Dr. Teigen for the results at 8 am.

Vertibroplasty #4 may be in the works.  



And this is where I am for all that ask … somewhere between the hockey rink, the hospital and hope, always hope, that~

~All shall be well~ 
















21 comments:

  1. There is hope, always and you are the proof of it all. The silence we meet behind the words you write is always comforting. I am sending prayers your mom's way hoping everything will go well for her MRI. Holding you tight in my heart <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So happy to see you, here, Anyes. I love your fb posts and am so glad they show up in my feed often. Thankful for your kind words and the love I feel in them. Hugs to you~

      Delete
  2. Your doctor sounds comfortingly wise, to me.
    I pray for continued good markers for you....for your Mom's painful back to be healed....and most of all for peace and joy to completely surround you and those you love and care for.
    I love you, Vicky.
    Always,
    Jackie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Jackie- feels so good to see you here- and am so grateful for your kind words of love. I love you, Miss Jackie~ Always

      Delete
  3. I always look forward to news from you. I pray that you have a Merry Christmas and a blessed New Years. I love Psalm 121; how about you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes- Francis- I love so many of the Psalms and 121 is right in there with them. It always feels so nice to see you here, too and read your kind words! Love to you~

      Delete
  4. So good to be home, and to have time for reading posts like this ... I am thankful for this report, and at the same time feeling sympathy for your dear mom's pain. Lord, give her a good night's sleep and a good day tomorrow.

    Thanks for letting us walk this journey of hope with you, Vicky. Love and prayers from over here ~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susan~ what a wonderful trip you had! I love following along and hearing about the neat places you go and things you do. Yes- mom is not ever one to complain- but she is definitely in pain and anxiously awaiting her scan results tomorrow. We feel so blessed, the treatment works for her- its just too bad we can't stop it from happening again. Thankful for both your love and your prayers- sending both right back to you~

      Delete
  5. Continued prayers for you and your Mom. Blessings and hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Hugs and blessings right back to you!

      Delete
  6. Beautiful! I love knowing I can come here when I need some encouraging or comforting words. We spent the morning at the hospital for Bobby's last appointment with his neuro before we meet the new surgeon in Nashville. After listening to all the "unknowns" on where we may or may not be with his illness post-surgery...hope is what I'm clinging to, with both fists. Praying for you and your Mom:) Love you, my friend!

    (On a slightly stalker-ish note: I was reading some of your older posts last night and actually found the first post I ever commented on. The first thing that you ever said to me was, "Kaleena, what a beautiful name! Nice to have you here!") There's no real point to that story, just thought I would share:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How great to see you, here, Kaleena! I can so easily recall your beautiful profile pic showing up along with your beautiful name- and your kind and gracious words. Yes- keep hanging on to hope- its all we have- and resting in HIM. Much love and prayers back to you!

      Delete
  7. I have imagined you at the hockey rink and know life must be a whirl as always. I wish for you a peace-filled time of waiting, which is what Advent is meant to be.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think of you every day.......I know that you are strong, and you have a beautiful spirit that keeps looking at everything in a positive light. I wish you magic, Vicky; you so deserve it.
    Sending you love, and wishes for a wonderful holiday.

    ReplyDelete
  9. May you find peace and comfort in this holiday season. Your words are always so comforting to me! Praying your mother will find pain free days in the near future. Uncertainty can be bery trying! Hang in there my dear friend, we must never give up hope!

    ReplyDelete
  10. we are here too Vicky...holding onto hope that all shall be well xo

    ReplyDelete
  11. Good words, good hope, good news. May all those find you regularly and may they visit your mom very soon as well. So sorry she is suffering and I know, though your news has every reason to be hopeful, there are still the daily pains and sickness that take a serious toll. But I'm grateful for this new news and the answer to prayer that it is. XO

    ReplyDelete
  12. I don't think I even breathe when I read your blogs, Vicky.

    Thank you for giving us your heart and your REAL world.

    So much love...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh my sweet friend,
    Julie said it so perfectly..."I don't think I even breathe when I read your blogs."
    You so perfectly painted the picture of Dr. P's demeanor...a little quiet and even a tad sad.
    You two share a comfort that may only come from working as a team on a common goal..
    Giving you more days and weeks and months and years. I felt his nostalgia and his desire to have new drugs to use for breast cancer. Bless his heart. What a tough job he must have from time to time. I am so grateful for his presence in your journey and his infusion of HOPE.

    You and your Mom are in my prayers. You for energy and stamina and a sense of God's presence as you navigate hockey, a sick Mom, and your own health issues. Your Mom for a sense of God's presence and pain relief.

    Sending you hugs and loves and prayers, always prayers!
    Love Linda


    ReplyDelete
  14. 'where we meet in the silence behind them, (the silence behind words)....there is so much silence behind this post...I know your heart 'feels' deaply for your mom....and trying to be everywhere can be exhausting... and I feel that... and I know feeling that exhaustion is not easy on you....and Dr. P.... and his quiet yet exspressive ways...has also silence behind his words..and yet hope.... wrapping you in a hug from above...May the lord just wrap you up! may you 'FEEL' his precense today in the deapest part of your heart and soul. Praying and loving and reaching out to you in every way possible...and Vicky...wrap yourself up in your 'love quilt' you will feel us 'ALL' there. love you beautiful lady!

    ReplyDelete

I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

When you get lucky

When you get lucky

Popular Posts

Minnesota.com

Minnesota.com - MN Weather, Map, Businesses and Blogs