Sometimes you keep falling; you don’t catch anything.
Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don’t.
Sometimes they catch you.”
| — |
Nolan's coach asks if I'll be going this weekend for Nolan's hockey tournament in the cities and I can only stand and try to think. Its a full week away when he asks and at first I try to count days. Then I try to think of what the date will be. But as my head slowly tries to formulate words, I know I am drowning in that very moment. I'm falling... I honestly have to tell him I don't know if I'll be going or not.. but what I can't explain... is that I don't know because I can't even begin to think past the moment I'm in.
The cold from the arena causes my legs to ache in a dull throb. The lights are too bright, the noise too loud, and the cold penetrates to my bones more quickly these days. I feel stripped of my ability to shelter myself from any of it and it all seeps in. My battle isn't cancer right now, I'm battling just to be present in my moments.
It takes all of my focus, all of my concentration to travel to and then watch a game of hockey. The play is quick, the puck is small, and I fight just to be able to follow it.
I crash when we get home. For hours I sleep. But somehow, even sleep isn't enough to refuel me, refresh me.
Its worth it, however.
I see their level of effort. How his teammates fight for position. They battle for the puck. They are relentless. Ceaseless in their quest to dominate the ice. And when one of them falls? The other is there to help him up. They catch each other and I watch. Watching them catches me.
Nolan dreams of playing for this college, in this arena, one day. And all I have to offer him is all of me I can muster, this day, right now. Watching him. Seeing him. All of him.
Its worth it, however.
I see their level of effort. How his teammates fight for position. They battle for the puck. They are relentless. Ceaseless in their quest to dominate the ice. And when one of them falls? The other is there to help him up. They catch each other and I watch. Watching them catches me.
Nolan dreams of playing for this college, in this arena, one day. And all I have to offer him is all of me I can muster, this day, right now. Watching him. Seeing him. All of him.
Hoping, just like him, he will be there one day, and so will I.
***************************
I've finished round one of Xeloda! Fatigue has plagued me this week, but I am hoping to shake the cobwebs off soon as I enjoy a blissful 7 days off.
So what else catches me?
When I hear a knock at the door and find two wide-eyed smiling little girls at the door. And my friend's daughter hands me a fabric pink bag she has adorned with springy and cute art with fabric paint and filled with her favorite things.
Her smile stretches on for miles, and her giggles bowl me over with fits of my own.
Oh she catches me alright.
Along with the cards that come and lift me with heartfelt words... and sometimes... a check, a gift card or some object... a catching object.
And suddenly, falling, doesn't feel so bad.
What do you catch? What catches you?
I've finished round one of Xeloda! Fatigue has plagued me this week, but I am hoping to shake the cobwebs off soon as I enjoy a blissful 7 days off.
So what else catches me?
When I hear a knock at the door and find two wide-eyed smiling little girls at the door. And my friend's daughter hands me a fabric pink bag she has adorned with springy and cute art with fabric paint and filled with her favorite things.
Her smile stretches on for miles, and her giggles bowl me over with fits of my own.
Oh she catches me alright.
Along with the cards that come and lift me with heartfelt words... and sometimes... a check, a gift card or some object... a catching object.
And suddenly, falling, doesn't feel so bad.
What do you catch? What catches you?
Sitting in my easy chair, watching the birds at the bird feeder. Sometimes a bully will not let others be there at the same time, makes when they share all the more special. Also fat boy the squirrel seems to love the corn and bird seed.
ReplyDeleteHoping your energy level comes up so you can enjoy all those special moments with your boys.
Blessings!
Verna- I can just see it playing out before me :) I too hope my full energy comes back soon! I hope you are well too! Hugs to you~
DeleteSitting outside under the tree I transplanted from North Carolina...one that wasn't supposed to live here (deeeep South)...enjoying its shade, haven for birds that talk to me every evening. I'm sitting in a swing that my Daddy made for me. Priceless. Words cannot express how much it means to me.
ReplyDeleteWhat catches me are the quiet moments when I look up and see those beautiful clouds...that moon...remembering the hugs from my little ones that I adore beyond description. Loving the love that I feel when I think of them.
Quiet.
Peace.
Love.
Those catch me.
And, I thank you for asking, my sweet friend.
You are an awesome Mom and wife.
Sending you restful thoughts and hugs, Vicky.
I love you...
Jackie
Jackie~ I take such solace and comfort in your words- I can hear your voice as I read them and it brings me such peace. Thank you- thank you. I love you~
Deleteending my day with this post. the weeks have been full of thoughts that have sent me spinning, and what has caught me time and again is the truth of Scripture and the counsel of trusted friends. reality can be so challenging to find, even when you're walking through it; perception can be skewed or distorted. what i cling to is that all the way--including this seemingly foggy, uncertain, unclear, unsettling, exciting, new way--my Savior leads me, and if i don't let go of His hand or look away from His face, i'll be okay.
ReplyDeletenot being able to be focused in moments sounds like chemo brain to me. having read holly's memoir of the period, she described similar feelings about recalling things from her brain and having great difficulty focusing. hang in there!
"if I don't let go of His hand or look away from His face, i'll be okay." Amen- so beautifully reflected and it instantly fills me with peace. Yes- chemo brain is likely the cause- along with low blood counts quite possibly. Will see where my counts are at on Tuesday and go on from there :) Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words~ xxoo ~ thinking of you as you walk through the challenge of the unsettling and exciting :) (would love to hear more if you are so inclined)
DeleteMy bed catches me, when I need a catnap, or just a moment to decompress. And what do I catch? The frustrations of my kids, their good and bad, hopeful and despairing moments, their scowls and stomps and looks of glee and hugs during moments of grace. :)
ReplyDeleteOhhh- Roxane- that second sentence makes me slow down and read aloud- its a beautiful thing :) Thinking all kinds of crazy wonderful thoughts for you! xxoo
DeleteWhat catches me? Pictures of my grandchildren. Experiencing their days and their lives in pictures. Living so far away from them, each picture that I am blessed to see surrounds me in warmth and love.
ReplyDeleteWhat do I catch? The peaceful moments I spend outside working around my flowers, getting my hands dirty and watching the seeds break through the earth as small green sprouts. That's what I catch.
Sending thoughts, hugs and love to you, Vicky. Rest and enjoy your 7 days off!
Eileen- you instantly transport me through your words- and I must say through your beautiful images as well! Blessings to you!
DeleteWhat catches me? Meaningful, beloved scripture, a worship song that says exactly what I'm feeling, and even a perfect cup of coffee (especially when shared with an understanding friend).
ReplyDeleteAnd never underestimate the power of a good nap!
My heart is full for you -- and what someone above described as Chemo Brain -- and how it affects daily life for you, when your desire is to be absolutely present.
Lifting you in prayer to our heavenly Father that you will catch all the precious moments in daily life that give you and your family joy. The ordinary instances, that they will be captured.
Peace to you, from your reader in Zurich (where it's finally spring!)
P.S. I love that you love Zurich :-)
DeleteSusan- Yes, I have such fond memories of my time in Zurich- the lake, the mountains- our hotel with huge down comforters- the FOOD- the quaint shops- oh goodness- it was just lovely. I wish I had a scanner- I'd share my photos of that time :)
DeleteThank you for your faithful prayers and gift of friendship. I was in Zurich in May and know how truly lovely it is! And coffee- yes- thank heavens for the coffee :)
I think I'm still falling, waiting for the world to stop spinning and for things to start making sense. Fatigue is the enemy and naps and sleep are my "me" time, to try to recoup.
ReplyDeleteI admire your strength!
Thoughts and prayers.
Oh Ms. A, I can completely see where you would still be falling- so I will pray for continued "catching" on your part. Prayers for the fatigue you must endure daily- and prayers for continued strength and healing. Thinking of you!
DeleteYour blog for starters. Your words always lift me up. Life sure dishes out some tough stuff and we just have to keep on wading through as best we can. You do so authentically and purposefully.
ReplyDeleteWhat catches me is others who get me and understand me, family, photos of times gone by, big hugs, soft pillows, alone time, and writing it all out.
I hope the next week is blissful and you get some energy to see your boys in action on the ice. You are a fantastic Mom. Truly.
Lilly- oh gosh- thank you :) Yes- my list looks quite a bit like yours- ahhh the pillow is a staple for sure :) Thanks for all your kind words- its always so good to hear from you! I pray you are well!
DeleteYes, chemo brain has that effect...but so does the world you find yourself in. Your beautiful words remind me how easy it is to fall (and to allow yourself to continue falling) if you choose not to catch those things that bless you and give you purpose--the greatest of all being your Faith. I have been free-falling for 25 days (since Mom died) and had forgotten to catch and hold those things most precious to me that are still here to cling to (my kids, my hubby, my home, my God, my friends). Thank you, dear friend, for sharing your own vulnerability and reminding us all that it is in the falling that, hopefully, we will find those things we hold most dear to us...and cling to them firmly in times of doubt and fear! May your week get better, the brain fog clear (if only just a little!) and may you continue to catch and hold those beautiful, treasured moments of life! (holly t.)
ReplyDeleteHolly- its so good to see you here! Thank you for the validation- as much as I hate that even one more person would know what I am speaking of- I am grateful every time I don't feel like its "just me."
DeleteI'm so sorry for the loss of your mom~ the period of time after my Dad passed just over 2 years ago- was my "grief bubble." I, too, was falling and its what led to me picking my word of "Alive," to help me step back into fully feeling again. Ironically, that was just 3 months before my diagnosis...
Just keep leaning in Holly- go all the way into the grief- one day- you will come through the other side :)
Love to you today~
Continue to give yourself His grace Vicky. Please rest and breath and know it's OK to allow yourself the space to fall and be picked up by all the moments God makes available. Love you sister.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful way to say this Kelly- "allow yourself the space to fall and be picked up by all the moments of God makes available..." perfectly said.
DeleteLove to you!
i agree - very well said!
Deletemmmm, well honestly, today, this post catches me! Love that quote at the beginning!
ReplyDeleteAnd my kids catch me and pull me back - sobering moments of reality catch me and remind me to be here, enjoying this time, these moments!
I have been missing you! I have been quite on my blog - my heart doesn't have the words yet - so I am sitting with it for now!
Love you!
xoTiffany
Tiffany,
DeleteRest easy- relish the quiet and when its the right time- you'll have space and words to fill it :)
Thinking of you- saying prayers- sending loads of love!
:) sending you prayers and love too - lots and lots - all the time!
Deletexoxo
You need your rest and to keep warm. but the joy of watching your children is always the best medicine. At least it always was for me.
ReplyDeleteI could never get enough cause it was always such a pleasure.
So keep catching what you can, when you can and we will continue to pray it all goes in your favor and you win your health back sweetie.
I watch my daughter with a full heart and think how it is just me that knows how much I am in awe of her nine year old self....there are no words and no one to say them to....even though we are blessed with wonderful family and friends. I read your blog all the time, but rarely post. What you share seems too important and special for a quick reply 'typed' on my phone. This one caught me tonight. Maybe you can read between the lines and know how moving and honest your heart is.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, and bless you, and bless you.
I watch my daughter with a full heart and think how it is just me that knows how much I am in awe of her nine year old self....there are no words and no one to say them to....even though we are blessed with wonderful family and friends. I read your blog all the time, but rarely post. What you share seems too important and special for a quick reply 'typed' on my phone. This one caught me tonight. Maybe you can read between the lines and know how moving and honest your heart is.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, and bless you, and bless you.
I am almost daily caught in that split moment as the kids kiss me, then head out the door in the morning, and I have a blissful second cup of coffee or drink while I read and pray. And this gets skipped more than a couple of days, I can feel my soul losing its penchance for gratefulness and quickly becoming bitter. It's a beautiful spot to spend some quiet moments when I have the consistent discipline to do it.
ReplyDeleteYOU caught me. Tears streaming down my face, feeling unworthy. You are an inspiration and a reminder to myself to remain fully in my moments, with a grateful heart.
ReplyDeleteBless you Vicky,,, I hope you gain strength and energy this week.
YOU caught me. Tears streaming down my face, feeling unworthy. You are an inspiration and a reminder to myself to remain fully in my moments, with a grateful heart.
ReplyDeleteBless you Vicky,,, I hope you gain strength and energy this week.
That is seriously something to ponder.....what do you catch? What catches you? It really is both, isn't it, and I never thought about it quite that way. When we lose our grip it isn't necessarily a bad thing because then you discover what catches you.
ReplyDeleteSo glad for you to be through the first round and to have a respite. May your fog clear, your brain function and focus, and may your cold bones warm as though snow melts soon (praying for that). You reminded me of a song I love when you posted the pictures of your (not)spring snow......"Just remember...in the winter....far beneath the bitter snow.....lies the seed, that with the sun's love (Son's love!) in the spring....becomes....the rose." You will shake this blanket off....of snow, of medicine, of foggy thoughts and trying to hang on to press on. Spring IS coming, sweet friend, and the snow and these treatments will pass and reveal the beauty that has been waiting under all of it. Love you.
YOu, my friend, you. You remind me how very important it is to live in the moment, enjoy every ounce of it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am looking foward to the day that I see that picture... you are sitting in that rink comfortably watching that boy play for his college. You'll be wearing THE jersey, too. BELIEVE.