Friday, November 9, 2012

Just Write... "here"

Trying something new today:  Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments... 


**warning**

writing a bit vulnerable today... proceed with care... and understanding we are okay.  

Here...

Here. Its been a week of new. Of firsts.  Its been an elevator ride of up and down, with a precarious sense of what floor the elevator doors might suddenly fly open and propel you towards.  

Biggest boy started 630 am hockey practices x3 days this week.  Containers of protein powder and breakfast foods mingle with shampoo and towels in an already crammed bag of stinky hockey gear.  

He is juggling homework and practices and new team mates and coaches, and an alarm that jolts us all out of deep slumber at 5:30 am.  And who will take and who will bring and do you have your shoes?  Your skates?  Your Middle School Life?  And hormones and tired and hungry add up to one grumpy boy by the end of a week of new.

Here. We've sort of been white-knuckling some of the new.  We've gripped the steering wheel tight trying to hang on and drive straight into the middle of we are doing this just fine.  And emotions have been steam rolled flat with too little time.  But emotions won't lie down for long. 

Tempers finally flare and the pressure of so much new on top of too little sleep melts one biggest boy into a puddle of little.  Whose dad rescues and coddles and comforts and calms.  Here.

And its then that littlest big boy bursts into sadness rolling down his cheeks in big round puddles of hurt.  He throws himself onto my bed and melds his skinny limbs and lengthy torso to mine and weeps. His breathing in gasps, and fits as he tries to tell.  

Who?  He asks... who? He sobs out his worry... when biggest boy needs Superman, who will littlest big boy go to if mom isn't...  who?

And I can't hear anymore as sobs strangle my own throat.  And I hold even tighter and kiss his splotchy face and try to squeeze out all the sadness he has carried.  I'm here.  Right here.  I whisper to him, I will always be where you can find me.  Here, when you need me, here.

His breathing slows and steadies.  His tears dry. His grasp does not loosen.  We are here... and it feels like forever... and maybe we can hold on in just this way till its firmly etched in every fiber of his breath and memory and being... this is what here feels like.  Here...

35 comments:

  1. We your readers are here, too - praying.

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    1. Thank you Susan- I feel all of you and hope you know every time someone reaches out to me- it helps.

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  2. And againyou bring tears in my eyes! All my love sweetie!

    Bussals
    Mimi

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    1. Love to you Mimi- sorry about the tears- but thank you for showing up here faithfully- it helps...

      Bussals!

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  3. Oh Vicky, you bring me to tears , you write so beautifully telling your heart wrenching story. I keep praying for you. Vicky can you email me your address.
    My email is cinwain@shaw.ca Thanks, sending a big hug your way. remember you are surrounded by so many that love you.

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    1. Cinner -its always so good to see you here :) I replied to your email and you should have my address now. Thank you- big hug back to you!

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  4. So tender, intimate, meaningful, powerful, bonding.... wrenching

    Learnings for your 'little' ones earlier than you would have liked ... but as Eckhart Tolle says - all we have is the 'here' and the 'now', and that it is suffering that helps us access the power in the here and now.

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    1. Thank you for that reminder Bonnie- I need to find my copy again - Tolle always gives me the perspective shift I need when I need it :)

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  5. Sometimes I forget because you are just so you. xoxoxo

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    1. You're so sweet- and I am glad you forget and I certainly have lots of moments where I do too :)

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  6. Vicky,
    I found your blog through a comment you made on the Team Bond blog and have been following you ever since. Your words and photos have moved me deeply on so many occasions.

    This post just gutted me and I can only imagine how you must have felt. Always praying and wishing for the best for you.

    Hugs from Pittsburgh,
    Stephanie

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    1. Stephanie~ I'm so touched you took the time to leave a comment today. You've touched me with your kind words and your faithful following. Thank you for those prayers- they truly keep me going!

      Blessings to you!

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  7. oh how I can hear you through this! I can feel your your ache, your cries.

    Here, now - are the moments you are living. You are doing it Vicky! Keep giving life to your moments!

    love you!
    xoTiffany

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    1. Hi girlie- you know I will- I am :) So grateful you are too!

      Love you back,
      Vicky

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  8. Not just crying but sobbing. . .this was heartwrenching mixed with a beauty. You are a beautiful woman inside and out. I'll be praying for that littlest big boy. . .and brother. . .and for mom and dad!
    {{{Hugs from Kentucky}}}
    Kristin

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  9. Oh Honey....this took my breath-so very beautiful-your words ... your moments. I love you...praying for all of you.

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  10. oh wow. you are brave to put this on paper, brave to stare this in the face. glad God gave you words for littlest boy, and peace for your heart. He GOES WITH US and NEVER LEAVES us or FORSAKES us.

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  11. Wow...moment by moment...
    HUGS and PRAYERS ALWAYS















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  12. Oh Vicky, my heart absolutely aches for you! For your boys and your husband! My prayers continue to go up in your behalf ! May God give you the peace and may you feel his love in these trying days! I love you!

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  13. There are no words for what you went through with Littlest Big Boy and yet you somehow managed to find a way to let us glimpse that tender, frightening, unspeakable moment when his grief was enough to spill over from two hearts. I can't imagine, Vicky. It's what every mother hopes she'll never have to face or talk about with her little ones, especially when they are so easily bruised and battered by fear of losing the most precious woman in their little lives. May God hear the cries of the innocent and may He continue to sustain you, heal you, and intercede for you. May this be a moment you look back on in ten more years and say, "Here. Look, we are now HERE." I love you.

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    1. I've wrestled so long with which is the best road to take with them and I am not certain there is one. We'll just hope and pray its exactly as you say- we'll know 10 years down the road~ Hugs sweet friend

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  14. Oh the ache your heart must feel Vicky. Tears are rolling down and I send you and all your family prayers and strength and a virtual hug. You are the bravest xo

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    1. Thank you Anyes- I don't know about brave- we just do what we have to do- so glad we worked through it. Thank you for the prayers and encouragement~

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  15. Vicky, I'm glad you're here. Thanks for being here for me, too. :)

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    1. Ditto :) Hugs to you, you've been on my mind and in my heart~

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  16. And right here... is the Grace we all aspire to...

    here.

    Love to you - xo

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    1. I had the nicest comment (maybe on fb) about your makeover - thank you again for lending your vision and skills to my blog :) love ya girlie!

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  17. I don't know why, but I thought as I read this that this by far is one of your best writings yet. Perhaps it's that your heart hung out all over. Maybe it's because I felt God's big heart telling me He's always here, too. Loud and clear, I heard Him say, "Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the earth!" And next time I cry to Him and yell, where are you, Lord? I'll think of you, Vicky, when He says, "I am here, where I've always been and always will be!"

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  18. My heart breaks for your kiddo because there are just no easy answers.

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  19. Amazing writing Vicky. You are so right. We don't know where the elevator of life is going to eject us. Keep hanging on tightly to each other. Your boys will always find you here. Prayers to you all.

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  20. Gasping for breath as I sob through this, his tears and yours written as mine splash down. So grown up and brave ... Both of you. Praying in all the moments, my dear sweet one. All of them.

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  21. Gasping for breath as I sob through this, his tears and yours written as mine splash down. So grown up and brave ... Both of you. Praying in all the moments, my dear sweet one. All of them.

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  22. Gasping for breath as I sob through this, his tears and yours written as mine splash down. So grown up and brave ... Both of you. Praying in all the moments, my dear sweet one. All of them.

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  23. First time I've read this (it's Dec. 11.)
    Oh my goodness....my breath is caught for so many reasons.
    First...you are an amazing AMAZING writer, girl. Amazing.
    This has to be published (if it's not already. I have no idea.)
    Second...from one Mama to another, may I cry a little (lot) as I read this.
    I know that you are OK...You said so at the beginning.
    But, may I....
    Please.....

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