The Westra World

Matt Cullen's 1000th game celebration

2012-01-25T10:00:00.001-06:00

On Saturday, January 21st, Rick and I headed down to the Xcel Energy Center to watch the Minnesota Wild take on the Dallas Stars. It was also officially Hockey Day Minnesota, which our own town was honored to have hosted last year. But the biggest reason we were going to the game? Matt Cullen was being awarded the silver stick from the Wild organization for his 1,000th game in the NHL. Rick graciously accepted when Bridget Cullen asked if he would go and take photos of the ceremony and the game, and the party afterwards.

I was feeling so poorly there for awhile, I didn't think I would be able to go. But between eating lots of spinach, kale, veggies and fruit all of last week and resting, I rallied, and everything fell into place for me to attend.

Now don't laugh, (okay go ahead... laugh) these first few images are mine, yes, with my little point and shoot camera. This was my perspective of the game.

Nordy came to the suite for a visit... as you can see, the arena was packed with over 19,000 fans.

The Target shopping cart zamboni is my favorite...

Just for the full effect, I took a short video of a goal celebration. The Wild officially went up 4- 2 with this goal. They entered this game on a 4 game losing streak after a long road trip.

And now, Rick's photos...

A few minutes before the start of the game, Rick texted me. The Wild were letting him onto the player bench during warm ups and then he could take the ice and shoot photos of the ceremony. He was beyond thrilled with the privileges they were granting him for the special occasion. He took 1500 photos over the weekend!

Matt waving to the crowd.

Matt's beautiful wife Bridget in white in the center, standing next to Matt's Dad, Terry, who is holding their youngest, Joe (1), with Wyatt (3) and Brooks (5) standing close to him as well. Matt's mom is standing next to the boys.

Matt receiving a crystal award for his 1,000th game.

The silver stick award. It looks deceptively light, and its not. Its solid and heavy. I loved what the sportscaster said about the ability to play in 1000 NHL games- you are not lazy if you can do that!

This a close up of the "silver stick."

This is where I get all teary-eyed. The Cullen Children's Foundation provides grants to organizations that provide funding for children battling childhood diseases, with an emphasis on cancer. I know these funds will help a lot of kids!

Warming up...

Rick stands behind the glass just behind the net while the players warm up. The intensity always shows in their eyes.

The face-off. I didn't see the stats, but Matt won a lot of face offs Saturday night according to Rick's photos.

Goal!

You know there had to be at least one fight...

#36 is Chad Rau. This was his NHL debut game and he is a Minnesota native. And... he scored!! Do you see the puck? Its just out of reach of the Dallas defender trying to sweep it back from the goal line.

Look at the crowd behind the glass- the rookie just scored!

The Wild win 5-2!

After the game, Matt and Bridget hosted a party at a downtown restaurant. While it turns out the restaurant owner had hired a photographer for the event, that was perfectly fine with Rick. We relaxed, talked amongst friends, ate yummy food, met some new acquaintances and had an enjoyable night.

From what I could tell Matt's team mates showed up en masse. As did Mike Yeo, the head coach and many others from management. Its clear to see the respect everyone has for Matt.

But more importantly, its clear how blessed both Matt and Bridget feel.

"From what we get, we can make a living. What we give, however, makes a life." Arthur Ashe

This is the quote you'd find on their Cullen Children's Foundation website.

They are the very essence of that quote. They're gracious, humble, and give back, immeasurably.

Congratulations to the entire Cullen Family!

She picked me...

2012-01-23T14:50:00.000-06:00

If there is any great secret of success in life, it lies in the ability to put yourself in the other person's place and to see things from his point of view - as well as your own.

- Henry Ford

Last Friday I had the honor and extreme privilege to meet this beautiful woman. Lezlee Bertie had contacted me before Christmas. Each year, the company she works for, Evolution1, has a board who selects a few individuals for a program they call "Pay it Forward." After reading my story in the magazine, On The Minds of Moms, Lezlee nominated me. And... the board picked me as one of their recipients!

Lezlee and her husband Sean, who is one of our Moorhead Bantam A coaches, invited us to their lovely home and one of her coworkers, Matt, videotaped a short interview with me. In fact we all took turns answering some questions. Matt will edit the piece to be used at their year end party later this year.

I have to admit, I almost detach from myself in these situations. I would be a teary-eyed, blubbering mess, if I didn't step back from the emotion just a bit to be able to take it all in. But I am deeply humbled, touched to the core. There aren't words enough to describe it. There are hundreds, if not thousands of worthy individuals out there, fighting their battles, carrying large burdens, suffering in some way.

And she picked me. They picked me.

We think we're going to try again. To go. To make memories with our boys. A trip, to warmth and sunshine later this spring. To gel our family unit, laugh more than we cry, and know, that no matter what the future looks like, we lived it fully and without regret.

Its more than a check or a generous outpouring of financial resources. Its life-affirming, breath-giving, giddy-fun producing. Its soul nourishing. Healing.

And do you see what else it is? Just look at the photo and see if you see it, like I did.

It's light. Visibly emanating from the check, is pure radiant light.

Thank you Lezlee, and Sean, and Matt, and everyone at Evolution1!

Rick and I promptly got up Saturday morning and left for St. Paul to attend the Wild game. Matt Cullen was being honored for his 1,000th game! I have so much more to share over the next couple of days...

Whispers, and a favor...

2012-01-20T07:00:00.001-06:00

I'm saying this in a whisper...

I think my mastectomy wound is healing...

The nurses and I have smiled and cheered a little before, thinking we'd sufficiently had it closed, only for it to burst open after a chemo session.

So this past week, after chemo, I held my breath, and paid it no attention.

Monday I went to the wound care clinic.

It was very anti-climatic.

The nurse simply said, to keep an eye on it, but I didn't need to come back. I just couldn't go cold turkey however. We put a wound pack on just to be safe. But I peeked at it today and its still scabby, no holes, no fluid leaking out.

And just like that, I've graduated from the wound care clinic.

Small victories. They get overlooked sometimes when larger hurdles are on the horizon.

Your life is something opaque, not transparent, as long as you look at it in an ordinary human way. But if you hold it up against the light of God's goodness, it shines and turns transparent, radiant and bright. And then you ask yourself in amazement: Is this really my own life I see before me? ~Albert Schweitzer

Its gotten cold finally. The ache in my back forewarned me the weather was changing. There still isn't a lot of snow. But the sun shone brightly in the sky today. As I sat waiting for the school bus to come, I noticed how the light streamed through the window, showcasing the flowers mom bought for me. It was fleeting, but it served to remind me that the larger things on the horizon, are still surrounded by light. I'm choosing to abide by that thought today.

Can I ask you all a favor? I've always said, the only thing I can imagine, more difficult than what I am going through, would be to watch one of my children go through cancer.

That is exactly what this family is going through. The Schoenecker family have a 6th grade daughter just recently diagnosed with liver cancer. Its a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not very good. However, their faith is strong, and they are resting in His hands, His love. If you are so inclined, would you say a prayer for Kennedy and her family? This is her caring bridge site, Kennedy Schoenecker, if you'd like to read about this spunky and competitive girl yourself. I know the family covets your prayers! Thank you!

In the quiet moments...

2012-01-17T09:03:00.000-06:00

We've been hauling kids to hockey the past few days. Rick takes the out of town games and I've stayed home getting Colton to his games. We're often bypassing each other and haven't connected a whole lot lately. I don't have the long drives he does, but I do have goalie gear to contend with. I think we're even, right?

For the first time in a long time the 4 of us sat down to dinner together last Friday. We had early practices and it made the perfect occasion to go out for dinner. With my acid reflux somewhat controlled by the ulcer medication, I feel like I can eat again without fearing all the repercussions.

Because its felt like ages since I've really talked to the boys I tried to start conversations with them over dinner. It went something like this:

Colton, how was your day?

Long pause, then, I'd say fine, pretty much fine.

What was your favorite part of the day?

Shrugs his shoulders and keeps looking at his plate.

Anything special?

Nope.

He is very intent on eating and not giving me anything so I say:

Colton, wouldn't you like to know how my day was?

Without flinching he deadpans:

Not really.

I'm trying to contain my smile as I about fall of my chair from laughter. That's my boy! At least he is honest.

Okay... Nolan will be easier.

So Nolan... how was your day?

He blushes, tries to hide his smile then talks out of the side of his mouth:

Ahhhh, it was, well, it was, okay.

Just okay?

Yeah.

Anything special happen?

No.

Anything funny?

Nope.

Nolan, what's the deal? You used to talk nonstop about your day. Do you want me to come tuck you in tonight and you can tell me all about it?

Gees mom, no.

Nolan, I just want to know what is going on with you! (I tease him, in a mocking tone.)

Gees mom, its called puberty! I'm not supposed to talk to you anymore!

Well okay then.

Saturday night the phone buzzed with a text. Nolan was telling me he had scored a goal in his game and they won. I called him and talked to him. I boldly told him I love him at the end of the call... very quietly and quickly he said "I love you too."

Ha! Take that, puberty!

Elephant eviction notice...

2012-01-13T11:33:00.000-06:00

Tuesday I was armed with questions for Dr. Panwalkar. But the first thing he mentioned was that my platelets were pretty low and he didn't know if the study would allow me to do chemo that day. He also brought a third year med student with him. We are both a bit taken aback when he suggests that she do my physical exam. Clearly he was in a jovial mood and I climb on board.

The med student smiled bravely, but she seemed unsure of herself. Especially when Dr. Panwalkar grins and says "Lets see if she can find your lymph node." I chuckle and shake my head knowing he is sending her on a wild goose chase.

Of course she heads for my left side first, the wrong side, and I can barely feel her attempts to find a swollen node under my arm. Her touch is light and hesitant. I can sense how "put on the spot," she feels. I catch her eye and motion her to my right side. "Hey, no cheating," Dr. Panwalkar says sternly, but he is laughing. I grin right back at him as I lift my right arm for her and whisper to her its tricky. But again her touch is too light and I know without pressure and a firm touch she won't find it.

She finally looks to Dr. Panwalkar and says, "I'm not finding it." I empathize with her as I've only just discovered it for the first time myself a few weeks ago. He steps in now, gently guiding her step by step teaching her how to perform the exam, until she finds it.

She is equally perplexed when she goes to listen to my heart. Again, I just want to tell her what she is hearing is okay. I can feel how fast my heart is beating and sense her alarm. She listens and listens and then timidly says "Well, its beating pretty fast." Dr. Panwalkar and I both get a good laugh as he assures her its normal for me.

He then completes the exam.

He is surprised to hear I still have an elephant sitting on my chest- an elephant that went on a diet, but he clearly hasn't gotten the eviction notice we've sent him. I am prescribed a medication used for ulcers with the thinking my esophagus may be damaged and needs help to heal.

We then tackle the issue of the next set of scans I need. With both the oncologist on call last week and the ER doc saying no way would they risk giving me CT scan dye again after reacting to it twice, we need a new option. We could do a PET scan but with our insurance benefit covering one scan a year- and me getting them every 9 weeks, I can't afford a 7 thousand dollar scan. We will have to think this one through.

Its nearing the end of my visit so I broach the subject of my newest lung spot and brain "blob." I ask him what it will take for him to "call progression," and take me off the study. He reminds me that the two new areas aren't delineated as cancer yet. The lung spot would have to grow, and the spot on my brain has to assert somehow that it is cancer. Even though they suspect that it is, it has to not light up on the MRI or clearly show growth, neither of which it has done yet. It could be he says, that my lymph node will progress or new spots will show up elsewhere first, before either of the other two will do anything. I smile a bit thinking the "light" in the blob is keeping me stable and on my study.

I hadn't even thought of these options. I get so focused on one thing sometimes, to the exclusion of all the other equally important things. I've taken up the full hour and its now my infusion time. But I also realize with more certainty, just how uncertain the road ahead looks. I have to stick to my mantra of staying in today and letting tomorrow take care of itself.

He calls the study mentor who says that I have just enough platelets to do my chemo. Treatment number 14 is now complete.

I'm still counting gifts: Tuesday I count "laughing all the way through a visit with the oncologist." Someday I have to figure out a way to record Dr. Panwalkar's laugh. Its hearty, and infectious, and filled with a joy that he seems to carry with him.

I also capture bare feet in the middle of a January day in Minnesota, and this counts twice in my book.

The kids have asked daily that we try the new ice cream maker. So after a good nap after chemo I got up and made ice a batch of ice cream.

It was slick, and in no time we had creamy, vanilla, sweetness on a spoon. Yum-o.

Low platelets have kept me feeling a little more fatigued than normal. If anyone has any suggestions on how to manufacture some or boost my platelets, I'm all ears.

How we do the day after chemo...

2012-01-11T13:21:00.001-06:00

My little dog--a heartbeat at my feet.
- Edith Wharton

When I am knocked off my feet, there is one little boy in this house who I can count on meeting me where I am. Most days anyhow.

Back shortly with a full update...

"...shake the world..."

2012-01-09T09:47:00.000-06:00

I was working on this post before my little speed bump of a hospital stay. Wednesday morning I felt pretty good. By early afternoon the pressure and tightness were back in my chest. With Rick scheduled to leave with Nolan for three days for a hockey tournament, I had to call in to the oncologist's office on Thursday. They suggested I get myself to the ER and that no, the walk in clinic would not see me. As I made plans for the kids... there was a knock on my door.

I went to the door and "love" floated in like a hot air balloon anchored to a basket. And after freeing the basket from its shroud of plastic, we stepped back and oohed and awed over it. Then someone plucked one of the skewers and the smile in their eyes as they ate their flower was enough for all of us to dive right in. It was sweet and perfectly ripe, and we ate and ate. What else would you expect love to taste like? Thank you Barb and Russ!

Rick left with Nolan on Friday and I came home and slept, and rested, and slept again. Colton and I had 4 hockey games over the weekend and were on the run the whole time. Our whole family is exhausted today.

But we're feeling rather spoiled. I know its an odd thing to say given our situation right now. But we don't take lightly the kindnesses and the generous blessings that have come our way. We're completely humbled by it all and continue to be blown away by the abundance in our lives. We continually seek to pay it forward in whatever ways we can.

Saturday we were completely surprised by another knock at the door. Can you guess who may have been thinking of us and sent us Cullen t-shirts and Wild hats from the The Hockey Lodge? Bridget and Matt Cullen. Lets just say there may have been "squeals of delight," involved. The Cullen's do so much for families with cancer, and our family has been no exception.

This morning, I grabbed clean clothes for the boys to wear to school and they ignored them. Instead they ran for the Wild t-shirts and hats and socks and decked themselves out before leaving. Plus they ASKED me to take their picture.

Matt will play in a career defining game tomorrow- his 1,000th game in the NHL! Help us cheer on #7 tomorrow of the Minnesota Wild!

Bridget wrote us a note and then added a quote that spoke to my heart at the end. She got to see the photos Rick took at the Wild game we attended a few weeks back on my blog and read my blog for the first time. She left me with this...

“In a gentle way, you can shake the world.”
Mahatma Gandhi

Thank you Bridget, I'm honored.

I think in our own way, each and every one of us can find a way to gently shake the world. What is YOUR way?

Dr. Panwalkar and chemo tomorrow. I have a list of questions prepared for him... smile... I'll let you know what he says...

Home

2012-01-07T11:21:00.000-06:00

I'm home!

But I have to admit I was really well taken care of in the hospital. I had a room to myself and it had a huge window overlooking Fargo and Moorhead. The life flight helicopter landing pad was just off to the right of my room and it was fascinating watching it land and take off. It flies over our house in one of its flight paths and its really loud and makes us run outside and look up at it. Surprisingly it was much quieter from inside my hospital room.

My wound care nurse came to see me and said she notified Dr. Bouton but he was in surgery for the day. My research nurse came to see me, and I heard from others that tried to come see me. But Dr. Panwalkar beat everyone and when he said I could go home, my discharge came together pretty quickly. By noon, thanks to a ride from my friend Kim, I was walking through my front door.

I'd like to say I am 100% fine. But the elephant hasn't entirely left the room, or my chest. It may take a few days for the new meds to work and we may have to adjust things as we go. But, I feel much more comfortable in understanding what is going on with me. Plus I know I will see Dr. Panwalkar on Tuesday.

Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers.

I had a surprise visit from a friend last night who brought me some thoughtful gifts. Thank you Brenda! The one I wanted to share, that she knew would speak to me, is a verse she found with a stunning picture on a calendar.

"God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. " 1John 1:5

The photo is gorgeous, as is the whole calendar.

You all really know how to make my word shine brightly in my life! Thanks for being such gifts to me!

In the hospital

2012-01-06T09:28:00.001-06:00

I'm writing today from Rick's laptop from my hospital bed. Its been a rocky past 24 hours. I was admitted to the hospital from the emergency room last night with that pesky chest pain not wanting to let go of me. I've felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest on and off this past week. Last night he was taking up permanent residence. The admitting doctor was thorough. He prepared me for staying several days. He ran every conceivable test and even had a specialized radiology tech come in to do a VQ scan of my lungs. They hooked up a heart monitor, they accessed my port, and put in a peripheral iv. I had a chest X-ray, an EKG, an ultrasound of my legs. I passed... every test, I passed. We finished the last of my tests at 2:30 am and they woke me at 6 for more blood work.

When my nurse came in this morning he had me set a goal. Why not shoot for the moon I thought to myself? So I smiled at him and said "how about going home today?" He smiled back and said, well we can put that down and see what happens, but your admitting doc doesn't think so..."

But I know Dr. Panwalkar. I knew he was coming to see me and I knew I stood half a chance with him.

I actually stood better than half a chance. Later today Dr. P is allowing me to go home! Just like that- goal accomplished. I will get some stronger meds for gi distress which is what they think is causing the chest pain. So I am enjoying the view- I have a room with a big window looking out on a glorious sunny day and am finally able to take a deep breath. I will update more later!

Who's beside you?

2012-01-03T12:45:00.000-06:00

The tightness in my chest is new. It hovers and bears down, but doesn't actually take my breath away. I stay home from hockey, New Year's Eve day. I wait. It stays. On and off it presents in a vague annoying way. Last night when it surfaced again, I went to my mini pharmacy in the cupboard and took some meds. I lay down. I fall asleep and awake to relief. No constriction, no dull throb, for awhile. But if and when it comes back, I know I will have to see Dr. Panwalkar, before next week. It weighs on me.

But a knock at the door served to pull me out of myself. Distraction keeps me sane and quiets the worry of the voice in my head. I pored over this gift, caught up in the enormity and magnitude of what this past 9 months has entailed. My friend Nancy created a scrapbook for me, made from photos and a guestbook used at the benefit held in my honor last May. Her work is artistic and her layouts jump off the page.

To think, the benefit committee organized, planned and achieved a completely successful benefit that literally is helping to save my life. I have yet to count, but we read each and every name on the guest book list, and I have to say there are hundreds and hundreds of them- maybe even a thousand names of attendees. I instantly felt washed in the light that still emanates through the pages of care and concern and prayers for our family- for me.

The pages are filled with the perfect quotes... and I pause when I get to this one.

I think Nancy may have inspired me to complete a scrapbook of my own. The benefit was just the jumping off point and I have so much I could display in photos and layouts... I love a good project!

I awoke this morning to the light of the sun splashing pastels across the sky. The air is warm when I go to get the newspaper and so far this a winter unlike any other we've had in awhile- its rather an un-winter and I it sits well with me.

As the house quieted this morning, there was one more knock at the door. Kendria (isn't that a beautiful name?) had written a beautiful and heartfelt note to me before Christmas. Today, she sent me an angel of "Courage" with a Fight Like a Girl sign she handcrafted! I caught the sun streaming in and loved how it highlighted all the important parts. She looks rather "victorious" to me.

I am so genuinely moved every time someone thoughtfully encourages and blesses me. I am realizing what it does for me... it squelches worry. It quiets the tightness in my chest. It overshadows fear. It fills me with hope... and longing... to be worthy of so much abundance.

My one little word... 2012

2011-12-31T14:49:00.000-06:00

How do you follow up your 2011 word when you chose "alive," and then were challenged with all kinds of ways to be alive? The truth is, I could have chosen any other word, like joy, or hope, or praise, and I would still have been diagnosed with breast cancer. All of those words were a part of my life, even though they weren't my chosen word- they just helped create that sense of what I was looking for- feeling how alive I am. So picking one word, just helps us focus our attention. Its like picking up a lens that helps us sharpen the image, and capture a snapshot of life through the filter of our word. Then watch as your word shows up in your life, draws you in, chases you down, and opens you up and leaves you changed.

To read more about the idea of picking one little word for a year, read here at Ali Edwards.

My word this year, practically hit me over the head. It was a rather "dark" day of brooding and reflecting and wanting to climb out of it. But how? With so many unknowns suddenly swirling about, and no known answers, how does your heart settle? How do you anchor yourself in the midst of turbulence? On that day my daily devotion gave me a seed of an idea.

"God gives us his light in an instant, allowing us to know all that we need to know. No more is given to us than is necessary in his plan to lead us to perfection." Saint Catherine of Genoa

She goes on to say: When we're lost or confused, we want to know now- right now- how to find our way toward understanding. No one likes that feeling of helpless floundering about, especially in dark places!

God freely gives us the understanding we crave... but with just enough light to take the next step. Just enough light...

Later that same day, I was reading Anne Lamott's book "Bird by Bird," when the same message was driven home in another way. In her chapter on short assignments she provides these thoughts from E. L. Doctorow who once said "writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." Ann goes on to say..."you don't have to see where you're going, you don't have to see your destination, or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice about writing, or life, I have ever heard."

I hear the message again.... just enough light to see a few feet ahead.

I go to look up the definition of the word light and see 15 different ways in which the word can be used-

a- something that makes vision possible
b- a source of light, i.e. a candle
c-spiritual illumination, i.e. inner light or enlightenment
d- a medium (such as a window) through which light is admitted... etc. The list goes on...

My word found me.

This is where I want my lens to be... simply so that when I walk through the valley of darkness, my eyes are trained to see and feel and experience all things "light."

Happy New Year!

Have you chosen a word for 2012? Will you share with in the comments what it is?

Huskies For a Cure

2011-12-28T18:15:00.000-06:00

A few months back, we were standing in Barnes and Noble, Rick and I. I can lose myself in a heady rush of freshly printed pages and coffee smells as soon as I cross the threshold of the door. So I know I wandered a bit on my own. But then I looked up and saw Rick talking with someone.

I think it was preordained. We didn't just accidentally meet. Rick was talking with Dave and Lisa Christian. I've briefly talked with them before, but they are better acquainted with Rick.

As I approached them, Lisa turned to me and reintroduced herself. We chatted causally for a minute. It was Rick who sought my eye and quietly told me in a hushed voice, that Lisa had just been diagnosed with hormone negative breast cancer.

I had heard just the week prior that someone from our "hockey" community had been diagnosed and it would become public knowledge soon. My mind had reeled with the possibilities, and yet as prepared as you are to find out who it is, when you put a name and face with it, it cuts just as deep.

Tears sprang to my eyes, and we gushed, her and I. Lumpectomy? Mastectomy? Treatment? Sanford? Mayo? The kids? The vulnerability? The fear? Fresh tears silently creep for the answer to each question.

How do I offer her grace?

Strength?

Hope?

As I search for words, its then I notice where we are all standing.

Can you guess?

Preordained.

Within arms reach is the christian literature book section and front and center is One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. I grab it and put it into her hands. "This is how I do it... this is how to do it." She reaches for that and as she hugs it to her she asks "what else?" I reach again for Francis Chan, "Crazy Love." We peruse more titles till her arms fill and I know she is fortified with the best.

She'll learn the language of cancer soon enough. It isn't what she needs from me. Faith and hope in a steady supply is what she will need.

They have dinner plans with friends and have to rush off. The "sisterhood" has widened by one more. We've gone from acquaintances to cancer sistas in moments.

Thank goodness I know her family and how they will love her through it. And the hockey community will rise up and embrace her as well. But everything she needs filled her arms and then some on that day.

******************************************************************************

So last week Rick showed up with this for me. Jordy Christian, nephew of Dave and Lisa from above, donated a generous gift of money to breast cancer research in my name. Jordy plays Division I hockey for St. Cloud State University and we've been lucky enough to watch him all through his high school playing days right up to now. I had instant tears for the way his own family has now been touched by breast cancer and how his thoughtful gesture touched me. I apparently haven't eaten enough cookies for it to fit me, so I've attached it to my purse and carry it with me.

Almost every year when he comes home for Christmas, Jordy invites our boys to come and play some hockey with him. This year the weather made for a perfect outdoor hockey outing.

I could see the excitement in the eyes of my boys as they got their gear ready that morning. They were going to play hockey on the frozen pond on the golf course behind Jordy's house. And with the bright blue sky and the sun streaming down, the conditions were perfect for Rick to take photos.

Colton put on his goalie gear and here he is taking on Jordy's brother Bryant. Bryant is a Moorhead Spud hockey player and plays for our high school team which is currently undefeated. Both Nolan and Colton have dreams of playing for the Spuds one day.

Nolan was in heaven just being able to skate outside in temperatures that were mild and warm. And taking on both a Division I hockey player and a Moorhead Spud at the same time put a little jump in his step.

They even had a rookie skating with them (in white) the entry level for hockey players in our youth program.

I asked Nolan if he fell since he wasn't wearing any pads... he said a quick no, and then smiled and said once, sort of. Hmmm, Jordy claims he had NOTHING to do with it... but his stick placed in the blade of Nolan's skate begs to differ... ha ha.

In photo after photo, all you could see were beaming faces. Its a rare treat on many levels to play outside in mild temps in December in Minnesota. Its an even rarer treat to play with a Husky and a Spud both with the name Christian.

Our younger boys look up to and want to be just like the big guys. They see all the talent, the skill, the speed they have. They're starting to understand the hard work it takes, and how you have to increase your understanding of the game all the time. But what they don't know, is that it takes a big heart to be an exceptional player and a role model. It takes a mother's eyes to see the bigness of Jordy's and Bryant's hearts- and trust me, they're big, really, really big.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-26T14:11:00.000-06:00

The Christmas of 2011 will not soon be forgotten, because of the things it both was and wasn't. And by wasn't, well it wasn't white. And I am perfectly fine with that. Because as our pictures over the next couple of days will show, we've been outside enjoying the temperate weather. Its been sunny, warm in the 40's and completely enjoyable. Its a gift all on its own.

I have to admit by the time Christmas Eve came around I was exhausted. Just plain worn out. So I put the camera down and soaked it all in. Saturday afternoon brought the most awesome surprise. Dinner! Cooked by three friends the night before- either for freezing or for eating. And so we ate! It was so tasty and delicious, it got our night started off right! Thank you Angie, Jen and Julie!

Colton, was beaming after opening his gifts. His little list had the most inexpensive small items you could ask for. It was a pleasure buying him Pokemon cards, Lego sets, and Beyblades. But we snuck one surprise in, Rick found a Pokemon DS game and Colton screamed with joy when he saw it. "Dad, I didn't ask for this but I always wanted it!!" He was so easy to please and you could see his heart expanding with joy. It was pretty contagious.

And Nolan was a blur of activity all night. His list looked nothing like Colton's except it was short. It was a bit more "Caviar wishes and Champagne dreams..." And well, he'll have to keep dreaming! We did buy him an NHL hockey game he had asked for. And he was still happy with the remaining gifts, although they weren't close to what he thought he wanted.

We tried to surprise mom by showing up at her church, ( my childhood church) and attend service with her. But she had the same idea and had already called us from OUR church earlier in the afternoon, wondering where in the heck we were? She managed to make it back over to her church to sit with us in time for the service.

The solo for the night was Breath of Heaven, which is one of the songs my friend Gitz recorded when she could still sing. I was filled with remembering her and my Dad and so many others who have gone before us.

I awoke early to try out my new waffle maker. Colton and Rick had gone shopping for some "family" presents. Do you know what they decided? They would look for "memory making gifts," so we all could make some memories together. So I got a waffle maker, and an ice cream maker so we can start some memory making traditions together. Love that kid and his dad.

We then jumped in the car and headed to Rick's mom and dad's lake by Park Rapids. It was warm, the roads were clear and the sky was bright blue. As we drove I plugged some earbuds into my cellphone and looked to see what music I had to play. Only 5 songs were downloaded, but I smiled for joy when I realized Sara's rendition of "Breath of Heaven," was one of the 5! So I put it on and listened to her pure and beautiful voice sing.

In my head I wondered what her first Christmas in Heaven must be like and if she could feel me as much as I feel her sometimes. I felt a smidge silly "talking" to someone like this. Suddenly, I swear, at almost the same time I was thinking this, a huge flock of birds flew up out of the trees creating a huge commotion. We all startled and went "what was that?" But I laughed thinking it would be just like Sara to answer me back, grabbing my attention with those birds.

Christmas Day was filled with so many of our favorite things. Family, good food, lots of activity for the kids, and amazing weather.

Aunt Missy and Colton putting his Hotwheels track together. He was entertained all afternoon.

Even Crosby enjoyed the wide open spaces of the lake country. He ran and played and non stop all afternoon. I was so psyched to accidentally get an "action"shot on my little camera.

The ice was thick and took Rick a long time to hand-auger a hole through the ice so they could fish.

I had already gone for a long walk and so I zoomed in with my camera from the top of the hill- therefore the photos are not sharp, but it was good enough for me.

And Nolan? Was in hockey, ice- heaven. Just a boy and his dog, with an entire lake at their disposal, enjoying mother nature at her finest. The moments don't get any better than this.

07 Breath of Heaven by gitzengirl

Sara was kind enough to "share" her music with us and allows the download of it so I am therefore able to share with all of you.

holding on... choosing Him

2011-12-23T11:42:00.000-06:00

"...life is hard, unfair, painful. But life is also guaranteed- to offer unexpected and sudden moments of beauty, joy, love, acceptance, euphoria. It is our ability to recognize and then hold on to the moments of good stuff that allows us to survive, even thrive. And when we can share the beauty, hope is restored."

Muriel Barberry, The Elegance of the Hedgehog

I've kept this on my computer stand because it's beautiful, it came as a surprise gift from a beautiful soul, and I've needed the reminder in big doses. Thank you Mary. In fact, just look at all the things that landed at my feet while I was on the hunt for joy.

Snow! Its warm outside and it isn't guaranteed to stay. I'll take it! Its as close to a white Christmas as we'll get. Yep, I snoozed through the weather last night and it came as a complete surprise. Last year at this time we already had two feet of it! We're setting records of another kind and spirits around here reflect the warmth and reprieve from a harsh winter thus far.

My clever and creative and funny and beautiful friend Amy made these- out of hockey socks! They're felt on the inside for warmth, in our school colors, and they have a skate lace for decoration! What hockey-loving person wouldn't adore these? She is selling them for $20 and you should email me for details if you'd like to know about getting some for yourself!

These are from my other beautiful, clever, crafty, and all things love-filled friend, Robin. Sigh... I adore her and she knows how to bring comfort and warmth like no other.

So you all came out in droves of support ... literally. Goodies came to my door, my email is bursting at the seams, and the cards and letters have stuffed our mailbox. Plus, some very, very, extremely generous people have stepped up to ensure our Christmas is Merry. We're honored and humbled.

I've steeped in your words of faith, hope, healing and love.

They were a balm to my battered mind and spirit.

My daily devotional today had this message: He could have roared on top of a mountain, but he whispered in the voice of a baby. He could have ordered our obedience; instead he calls for our hearts. Choose Him. - Sheila Walsh

A mixed bag...

2011-12-21T11:49:00.000-06:00

Do not be afraid of tomorrow; for God is already there. ~Author Unknown

Dr. Panwalkar walked into the exam room yesterday and exclaimed... "Vicky, you're famous!" It seems that everyone at Sanford and Roger Maris reads the newspaper.

He brought up the scans on the computer and started showing me the "slices" or "frames" that the scans take. He pointed out the anatomy as we went, orienting me to the view. I flashback to my anatomy /physiology class in grad school. Our professor had decided that in order for us to really learn the brain, we needed a med school book. I needed a dictionary and interpreter most of the way through the book. It all comes rushing back to me as I stare at the image of my very own brain. Each part flashes in my mind as I blink, cerebellum, blink, cerebrum, blink, brain stem, blink.

Honestly, despite all of the long names of the anatomy, it looks like shadows in varying shades of smoky grey, with white splotches appearing every now and again. Frame after frame everything appears normal.

Until he slowed and suddenly in the brain, there appeared the same white blob. Blink. He said, "its unchanged. It didn't grow. Its still lighting up which it normally doesn't do." Perplexed I said, "but not cancer?" "no, he said, we DO think its cancer. Blink, blink. In three weeks time, it went from being not a cancer, to probably a cancer. "We just don't know what it is. Since it hasn't changed, we don't do anything for now."

I am immediately trying to disseminate all that this means. I realize the variables are confounding. It won't go away on its own. But it could just lie there for a long time. Or it could grow, fast or slow, or maybe in ways that are hard to decipher. Will I come off the study and go through a wash out of my current chemo to start a new one? Will we try to radiate it? Will I have brain surgery? These are all possibilities and I know, he can't predict any more than I can at this point. Questioning him won't give me the results I desire. Gulp.

As I am pondering this chess like move my cancer has made, I am completely caught off guard as Dr. Panwalkar proceeds to my CT scan. While the lymph node tumors remain stable, as does the spot in my spine, something new has cropped up. Blink. Blink again.

This time we look at my lungs. Again, frame after frame passes by, until suddenly a tiny white wisp of appears on one single frame. It disappears on the next frame. Its the tiniest blip. He confirms its tiny, 3mm... which is too small for a PET scan to accurately reflect if it is cancer. Its also too small to biopsy. In fact, it could be a small infection that I have that will resolve on its own.

Again, we will watch and wait. Lung surgery? Radiation? New chemo? How many drugs does it take to fend off possible brain and lung mets? Deep breath.

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia

He examines me. I'm remarkably fine. I'm the healthiest looking "sick" person you've ever seen. I will continue on with the study drug and have scans in a couple of months.

He walks me back to the infusion center where I am instantly grabbed by one of the nurses and given a huge hug. I usually fly under the radar at chemo. Dr. Panwalkar slips away as I am escorted off to my room amidst lots of smiles and compliments on the newspaper article. The good natured spirits of the chemo nurses buoy me and I am swept away in a tidal wave of positive energy. They flow in and out of my room, each one bringing me a smile, a hug, an encouragement- an acknowledgement.

I am still hopeful. I am still counting gratitude. But I am human, and everything is tinged with a tiny sadness. So I am sitting with the sad today, and blinking in the sunlight trying to force its way through the clouds. I know I will resurrect the joy. The giddy and the merry are there in the messy, I just need to dig a little to find them again. Sigh...

The Wild excursion

2011-12-19T07:00:00.001-06:00

I didn't forget! I just haven't stopped running since we returned. Rick and I left last Wednesday morning for our two day excursion... to St. Paul. On the surface this may not seem like a big deal, but the excitement factor for me in particular was huge. I'm a little embarrassed to admit, I've never.... been to a Wild game. I have been to the Xcel Energy Center more times than I can count, but I've never actually seen a real NHL game!

At the beginning of every NHL season, Rick contacts the media person for The Wild and asks if he can come photograph some of their games. Its well known, that Matt Cullen, #7 for The Wild, is a Moorhead native. The Wild randomly select a few of the dates Rick requests and let him come shoot at those games. Rick tries to shoot photos of Matt for his to use for posters for Matt and Bridget's Cully's Kid's Foundation.

And this time? Thanks to Matt and his wife Bridget, I got to come too. We found a discounted hotel room nearby and were able to walk to the Excel Energy Center. The Wild were playing the Chicago Blackhawks and we were in for a thrilling game!

We arrived really early so Rick could get set up.

The arena was packed- with over 19,000 in attendance.

We've watched Jonathan Toews, #19, play in college at UND many times, but haven't seen him play for the Blackhawks.

The night before the Chicago game, the Wild had been in Winnipeg to play the Jets. Matt was visibly absent from the line-up. We wondered if we'd even get to see him play. But then we saw him.

Admittedly the first period was rather flat and the crowd was fairly quiet... but then...

A fight broke out. And as most fights do, it served the purpose of getting the teams all revved up, and the crowd along with the teams.

And then, look who was in the perfect position to knock one in? #7!

Way to go Matt- love those victory shots after the goal!

All of our kids try to flex their sticks, but they can't quite do it like the pros can- look at his stick!

Bridget arrived right after the game got under way. She is directly to the right of me in the photo below. I am so intently focused on the game, and trying to listen to her at the same time. And do you know what she is telling me? The reason Matt missed the Winnipeg game is because he caught the flu- from either Bridget or one of this three boys. So Tuesday night he got two bags of fluids in an iv, and Wednesday morning he got two more! He was skating on a bit of pasta in his stomach and some gatorade after nonstop stomach flu ran through his entire family, including himself. And he not only poured his heart and soul into the game- he scored!

The game ended in a 3-3 tie. After a scoreless OT period, the game went to a shootout! I was getting the full meal deal! And Matt was picked to shoot first. Bridget said I had to hold her hand while she closed her eyes. We were both so wound up with emotion. If we could have willed the puck in on our own, it so would have gone. Except, it didn't. And neither did the next Wild shooter. But the Blackhawks managed to find the back of the net, and the Wild lost in a shootout.

I had a hard time feeling too bad. It was such a great game to watch.

I splurged that night. I bought myself a Christmas present. I bought my own Wild jersey. And after seeing the way Matt played? I was seriously teary eyed knowing how weak and tired he must have felt. But he gutted it out. He could have taken the night off, but he didn't. I was only semi-shy in waiting downstairs for the team to come out of the locker room. I simply told him I knew, for other reasons, what its like to gut it out sometimes. He totally inspired me and I was grateful to get the chance to say so.

After the game, Rick and I walked over to the St. Paul hotel for a late night appetizer. St. Paul was lit up and festive and downtown was lively with people coming and going.

The next day I spent at the Mall of America doing some Christmas shopping while Rick drove to the plant to pick up some game programs. I looked, and I looked, and looked some more. But I was so filled from the day before, I felt like I needed nothing. Maybe that is the best Christmas present of all.

I feel like a broken record- but I simply can't say it enough. Thank you. For showing up, and reaching out, and reading and honoring me in all the ways you do.

Wound clinic tomorrow, and Dr. Panwalkar on Tuesday for results of my tests, and chemo.

Think this would make proper chemo attire? I just might...

"Finding Faith, feeling alive..."

2011-12-15T08:57:00.000-06:00

I didn't want to keep anyone in suspense! So I am jumping on Rick's lap top and posting a link to something that has been written about me and my family in the new She Says section of the Fargo Forum. I'm completely humbled. Every one of us has a story to tell, and someone found my worthy enough to write about. My intention is to offer hope to any one else that may be going through a rough time. And Roxane, who writes for She Says, and is both a blogger and a friend, far exceeded my expectations in weaving together this tale of what my life has become. Thank you Roxane, for seeing me, and using your talents to get me just right!

Finding Faith, feeling alive...

escaping into living

2011-12-14T07:00:00.001-06:00

"Thinking back on it, this evening, with my heart and my stomach all like jelly, I have concluded, maybe that's what life is about: there is a lot of despair, but also the odd moment of beauty, where time is no longer the same... an always within never." Muriel Barberry, The Elegance of the Hedgehog

I've been reading Tolystoy and The Purple Chair by Nina Sankovitch. When Nina's sister died after a short bout with cancer, Nina struggled to make sense of her place in the world again. So she decided to take a year off and read a book a day. She also wrote a review about each book and what the book had to say about life and how to live it.

She picked books from all genres from mystery to classics to vampire lore. And she takes a piece from each book to help her heal, to recover, to connect to who she is at her truest self.

Words are alive and literature becomes an escape, not from, but into living. Cyril Connolly "The Unquiet Grave."

I'm hung up on those words- that literature becomes an escape into living, not from it.

And so for the writer, is it possible to write your way into living as well? I'd like to think so... I highly recommend the book for an entertaining as well as enlightening read.

I'm leaving on a short excursion for a couple of days. I am going to see something I have never seen before... and I'll be back to share all about it.

As if that weren't enough excitement for my week, I have been told "something" else in the way of a surprise is due to be revealed on Thursday! For any local people, you all will get to see Thursday before I will, but I'll be sure to post about it as soon as I get back!

Black and blue

2011-12-12T07:00:00.001-06:00

Just an hour before I was headed out the door to work at Nolan's Pee Wee tournament on Friday Rick's voice alarmed me as I got out of the shower. "What's that on your backside?" I think I viscerally started to respond before I even looked. I can fly into panic apparently in 1.2 seconds. I scanned the area above my tail bone quickly in the mirror. My eyes lasered in on two perfectly round spots about the size of a dime, black and blue in color. Hmmm, bruises? Right there? I haven't fallen, or bumped into anything, or... have I? I know I will have to call the Doctor. I know I may be late for work at the tournament.

I call the research nurse and she is on vacation. But it just so happens I've met the other nurse and she remembers me. "Maybe your platelets have bottomed out?" Of course, purpura is caused by low platelets. Maybe I'll need to come in and be seen. Or maybe I'll just need a blood draw to get to the bottom of it- oh, no pun intended. But the nurse decides to run it past Dr. Panwalkar just to be sure.

I'm reeling with possibilities. What if? What if? What if? I can't seem to take a deep breath. The last time I thought "its merely a cyst," well look where that got me?

So we start to put all kinds of plans together. I will go the rink until I hear something. I regain my focus and head to the rink ready to help with credentials for teams arriving at our tournament.

Within the hour my phone rings. The nurse has a lightness to her voice when she asks for me. "Dr. Panwalkar says you are too skinny. He is not worried about it- go eat something- go have some Christmas cookies or something." She laughs. When I know he isn't worried, I won't be either. Crisis averted. I breathe.

*********************************************************************************

Thursday night while at practice with Nolan I heard the team had been asked by the coaches to "dress up" the day of the tournament. Nolan and I dashed out the door to see what we could find for the next day. The team colors are black and orange and he wanted some combination of those. He needed the works- shirt, tie, pants, and shoes. Would you believe we found it all in one store, on sale and in his size in under an hour? He was so earnest in getting the right fit and look and completely hung on my every word. It was such a fun experience with him. While I can't convince him to do cut his hair any shorter, he still cleans up pretty well!

The trophy for the champion. The tournament is actually named after a high school classmate of mine, Steve Dorsey. He was crushed by the boards in a high school hockey game and has been paralyzed in a wheel chair ever since. But he has lived a full life by all accounts and its an honor to see my son play in a tourney with his name on it.

Brady's big brother Ryan plays on Nolan's team. Another year or two and he'll be ready for his own hockey career to start!

These are Brady's sisters Olivia and Kate. The definitely gave me something to smile about...

because our boys continue to struggle on the ice. They are being asked in their first year to step up and play at an A level when they don't have much experience playing at a Pee Wee level. So its been hard to watch and the lessons are unfolding at a fast rate for all of us. But I am convinced, there is glory amongst the hard and messy in life. You just have to be willing to dig for it. Keep digging boys, we know you have it in you.

Cookies for a Cause

2011-12-08T14:21:00.000-06:00

Source: google.com via Caroline on Pinterest

I have a friend working towards her certification in massage therapy. Her area of focus is Ayurveda principles, specifically the Indian practice of Marma Therapy. Its a gentle touch massage, working various Marma points around the body and helps in releasing energy or stimulating energy to aid in healing.

I laid on her table Wednesday as usual, and she burst out laughing the instant she touched me. The energy was still buzzing, vibrating, from the night before. I didn't have to tell her about the night before at Cookies for A Cause- she could feel all of the amazing love and energy I had been filled with!

Cookies for a Cause is the brainchild of two friends, who have been doing holiday cookie exchanges over the years. Instead of coming together just to exchange the cookies, they also choose a "cause" and everyone is asked to contribute a donation. And this year? I was their cause... I know, seriously.

Julie, the friend we all know and host of the event came down with a stomach bug the day of the event. But her friend Stephenie, stepped in, stepped up, without missing a beat and filled in beautifully. Oh and did I mention, she didn't know but a couple of us?

Its hard to find the right way to express how blessed I feel. How fortunate. Lucky- downright lucky. I'm getting bolder in saying that, and yes, I still have cancer- its just that, cancer doesn't have me.

Dear amazing women, you surrounded me with your kindness, your friendship, your support and your encouragement. I walked away with a backseat filled with cookies, (Julie, I offered to bring some to your house, and the girls said "no, she didn't bake!" spoken like the "true" friends they are.) and donations that will continue to enable me to have life-giving treatment. But most importantly, you blessed me with love. The kind of love that vibrates through your body and thrums in your chest and makes your Marma Therapist giggle when she feels it.

Plus... there is more... that is happening ... but that will all be revealed at another time...

"... motherhood dragging a doll by the foot..."

2011-12-06T09:03:00.000-06:00

"A girl is Innocence playing in the mud, Beauty standing on its head, and Motherhood dragging a doll by the foot." Alan Beck

I have just one voicemail I keep in the archives on my phone. Its not from my husband, or the boys. Its the cutest, tiniest girl's voice. It goes something like this... "Hi Bicky, Vicky. I miss you. I want to come to your house. I love you." Then her mother's voice says "tell Vicky who you are." And in the sweetest, sniffling, voice she announces "Its me!" I listen to it every so often and melt every time.

Two years ago I spent 12 weeks taking care of the owner of that voice, Miss E, and her sister Miss L, while their daycare provider took maternity leave.

Two years and they still remember me? And ask to come back and visit me?

It took 2.2 seconds for them to walk in the door yesterday morning and resume our old routines.

We dove right into our usuals- colors, markers, paper and bursts of tag to burn off some energy. Miss E is 5 now and goes to preschool in the afternoons. In fact all the new things she can do is because "now I"m five, so I can." Wouldn't it be great if we adults thought that way? Now I'm 44, so I can... imagine all we could do...

And this little dynamo is almost 3... seriously, she was a baby that I fed and rocked and held when she first started coming. Now Miss L talks up a storm and you just shake your head up and down and smile a lot trying to keep up with her.

"She has the Spirit of the sun, The Moods of the moon, The Will of the wind."

Author: Julie Perkins Cantrell

We had lots of impromptu dance performances and lots of "ta-da's" with them.

"Remember when all we had to do was to keep our ponytails straight and catch fireflies?"

Before she left E shared with me... "I missed you so much. But I'll be back tomorrow, and the next day and the next. And all the rest of the days after that!"

They left around noon with hugs and kisses and I held on for an extra second or two knowing they won't be coming today. It was with a bit of sadness that I realized how exhausted I was after just half a day. But exhausted from doing all sorts of things that brought me immense joy, is the kind of exhaustion I'll take any day.

Lewis and Clark, or Clark and Lewis

2011-12-04T14:48:00.000-06:00

Friday was the big event. We've been hearing about his "performance" for weeks and weeks. Nolan has gone to school early on occasion to "study his lines." Each fifth grade class puts on their own performance in their music class. In the performance of Lewis and Clark, Nolan would play Clark.

From the beginning the humor infused in the play provided for lots of laughs. It seems that Clark takes exception to everyone saying Lewis and Clark, and so one of his repeat lines that he shouts out above everyone is "That's Clark and Lewis..." His teacher told us afterwards that he shouted it the first time they practiced it and she both laughed and decided it should stay that way from then on.

While this clip is not the famous "Clark line," it is a sampling of their performance. Lewis, is being played by Nolan's friend Jack and Nolan is on the left. The clip ends with a snippet of Lewis and Clark singing.

Untitled from Vicky Westra on Vimeo.

I was still battling nausea Friday morning. But nothing could keep me away. I saw a couple of confident and competent young boys, embrace a part they'd been given and give a flawless performance. Nolan didn't seem nervous, or embarrassed. He remembered his lines and when to say them. As soon as it was done, I had only one thought... again please... I want to see it again.

Nolan, you rocked dude! Mom and Dad were so proud of you and your fifth grade class!

unconditional...

2011-11-30T09:42:00.000-06:00

He is a mass of destruction, demolishing anything in his path that his teeth take a shining to. His latest casualties? The neighbors rope when they graciously watched him for us this past Sunday, and Colton's shoe. We're getting better at clearing a path for him, but when we lapse in our efforts to put our things away, he makes sure we know.

And yet, he redeems himself, usually within minutes of his mischievousness. He spent 6 hours in his kennel yesterday, which is the longest time by far. We were so wrapped up in chemo, and an engine light steadily glowing on the truck, and hockey for both boys, and - you know, life in general, that Crosby had to wait.

So when we finally arrived back home and let him out? He bounded into our arms and licked us up and down and wiggled his not so little body in utter delight at being freed. And he redeemed himself, for all his past transgressions, and all his future ones too. He may not be perfect in his manners, but he is perfect in his love for us. And isn't that what really matters? Love that is big, and sloppy, and limitless... and perfect.

Living our moments

2011-11-28T07:00:00.001-06:00

Usually by this time of the year, we are covered in snow. So I celebrated, on the inside, that we've yanked a couple of weeks back from the grips of old man winter.

At 9:30 this morning we jumped in our little blue Prius and noticed it just turned 198,000 miles and it has given us equally as many smiles at all of the gas savings we've incurred.

The boys were giddy upon hearing this... or not... they were just watching an old DVD of "The Country Bears." Shhh, I promised Nolan I wouldn't blog about it, but I totally had my fingers crossed. I love when they still get excited for the things they did when they were 4.

He is trying so hard not to let me see him smile... but those eyes and the way they dance when he likes something- give him away every time.

When Rick said we were going to a "Truck Stop" for breakfast, he wasn't kidding.

While Subway beckoned from across the store, really, would I turn down dinner-plate-size-blueberry pancakes? Umm no, hello, blueberry pancakes! And yes, they were that good!

In case you haven't any idea where we might road trip to on a Sunday morning? Here is a subtle hint... its sometimes called a "barn."

And when you see the rafters inside, you completely understand why. Nolan's Pee Wee team was playing their first away hockey game in his coach's home town of Alexandria. The pressure was on for a big win. As an A-2 team, we are challenged more times this year with trying to match up with A-1 teams. We have been told not to expect to win a lot this year, but the development of our kids will be worth it.

Nolan, below, in black trying to get it past the goalie... but it didn't go...

Nolan skating with the puck...

Nolan on the left, found out what its like to play with a defensemen who has a knack for sticking to you like white on rice... Nolan could not figure out a way around him... yet.

At the end of 3 periods, we were tied 1-1. Both teams played a fast and aggressive game... but just a little ways into OT Alexandria scored and we lost 2-1. It was hard to feel too bad when the kids skated with such heart and passion.

Chemo tomorrow. Dr. Panwalkar is doing bone marrow transplants all day, so I will see a nurse practitioner instead. My stomach crawls up in my throat a little as I type this. Will I ever get used to this as a way of life?

Thanks and giving

2011-11-23T20:17:00.000-06:00

"You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink." --G.K. Chesterton

Gratitude ... goes beyond the "mine" and "thine" and claims the truth that all of life is a pure gift. In the past I always thought of gratitude as a spontaneous response to the awareness of gifts received, but now I realize that gratitude can also be lived as a discipline. The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy. --Henri J. M. Nouwen

Thankful for pink...

I'm learning breast cancer is a highly politicized topic, and there is quite a backlash against "the pink culture of bc." It came as a complete surprise to me and my naive grasp on the topic precludes me right now from saying too much. But I was given pause recently to reflect... maybe pink isn't so bad.

I sat watching two sisters across from me at the infusion center. They were actively discussing scarves, although I noted the sister with cancer still had her hair. She was admiring another woman's brightly adorned bald head. The scarf looked like silky and luxurious, with autumnal colors in it.

The sisters then moved onto the topic of the quilt with the cancer color ribbons on it, hanging on the wall behind me. "Colon cancer", the sister says, "Could you tell me which color ribbon it is?" We all three gaze at it as our eyes settle on the ribbon at the same time. "Eww, we exclaim, its brown!" "Who wants to wear a brown ribbon?" her sister asks. We go on to discover that melanoma is black, ew again. And 1 of the cancers is sort of a drab olive green. "Pink," is actually one of the more cheerful colors.

The sister with cancer then says she still has plans for a tattoo with the brown ribbon. She wants to have an artist create a colorful hummingbird with the brown ribbon dangling from its beak. Its creative and the way her eyes smile when she talks of it let you know she has put a lot of thought into it.

I don't want to be the one to tell her, most likely she can't get a tattoo while on chemo. But then her sister speaks up and tells her. "Oh, not while I am having chemo she says. Only when I am in remission." Her whole face lights up this time.

Clearly, her ribbon color is brown, but her spirit is pink. My name is called just then. I grab my "pink" water bottle and head off to chemo smiling. I think her pink, rubbed off on mine.

Today, amongst all of the thankful moments, I graciously give thanks to each of you who continue to bless me by showing up here each day! Happy Thanksgiving!

McMelty

2011-11-21T07:00:00.001-06:00

So... along with the wound care nurse last week came a nursing student and HE was a cross between a "McSteamy", and a "McDreamy." And there I am all oozy and woozy and thinking, really? I have to talk about hypertrophic granulation and exudate when I'd rather talk- Oh I don't know- something really Grey's Anatomy-ish... you know, smart and funny both at the same time.

But then Dr. Bouton came in and in his customary fashion had the gauze ripped off, the wound re-packed and new "Aquacel" dressings applied. Just like that. He then proceeded to triple-book himself on Tuesday just so he was sure to see me this week, and suddenly I remembered why HE is the one that makes me all McMelty.

Wonder

2011-11-16T08:38:00.000-06:00

“I am younger each year at the first snow. When I see it, suddenly, in the air, all little and white and moving; then I am in love again and very young and I believe everything.”-- Anne Sexton

Despite the fact he got away from us three times yesterday. He is faster and stronger, and he loves it when he can break free from our grasp and chase circles around the yard. Our hearts jump into our throats as we call and cajole him back to the safety of our house.

Despite that fact he chewed the laces of Superman's tennis shoes. And when we bought new laces? He smiled (really I think he did) maniacally as he left the new laces perfectly intact above him on the bench as he laid below chewing the shoe where the laces would go.

Despite the fact we left the vacuum cleaner out and he chewed through the cord- oh yes he did-

Despite all of that...

We love our little Crosby.

Watching him discover the snow was such a joyful moment yesterday. It was like seeing the snow through fresh eyes and remembering the discovery of the magic and mystery of each flake as it tumbles from the sky.

I'm still counting gifts... seeing with "fresh eyes," like those of a puppy in his first snowfall.

What will you see with fresh eyes today?

A goat and two chickens

2011-11-14T10:50:00.000-06:00

Can you think of anything better to buy with your first "paycheck?" I sat staring at the check I received from On The Minds of Moms. I know, they PAID me, as if being published weren't a big enough gift already. Crazy.

What was I going to do with the money I earned? My doorstep, my mailbox, my inbox- all the boxes are brimming, overflowing with such goodness I can barely stand it. I'm so overwhelmed and filled with gratitude, but how do I give back? Pay it forward? Give, as much as I receive?

I knew if I looked at the check long enough it would speak to me. And one day last week amongst all the mail I saw the pamphlet. Compassion International. It was a gift list of sorts. It had chickens, goats, fish, etc., all kinds of ways for an international family to raise their own food source. You could even buy an entire "farm." If you've been following Ann's blog you know about her travels to Ecuador with Compassion. If you need a bit of an other-world view and a shift in perspective, I dare you to visit her blog once and not come away moved and changed. You'll see why a goat and two chickens was an obvious choice and its heavy on my mind and heart to do more if I can swing it.

I found this nestled on my doorstep after chemo last week...

Not only was there coffee nestled in this basket, but the plaque down below...

Its perfectly, perfect. Gratitude in Everything... please let my heart know this every day.

Thank you Angie!

Sweet Jo Ann sent these to me and I was expecting a card from her. The devotional and the music- look its Kate Miner and Rita Springer! I'm so touched and honored sweet friend! Jo Ann is in the midst of a bout with pleurisy and I know she would welcome any prayers if you wanted to visit her blog and leave them with her.

And this... I knew was coming!! For two weeks we watched the mail! It was a package of "goodies" from Germany and my kind and talented friend Mimi!

She made this guardian pillow with a secret pocket in the back... can you guess whose picture she might have placed there?

Its my Dad with the boys and it has a lovely verse on the back.

And as if that weren't a gift all on its own, she included a beautiful wrap loop scarf with a flower- its so soft and the color is so vibrant, I know it will help keep me warm this winter!

And she didn't forget the boys, all THREE of them who got fairly excited with the large assortment of candy and sweets she sent!

Bussal Mimi! My cup overflows...

Quick medical update: I saw Dr. Panwalkar on Tuesday. He showed me the mystery blob in my brain on my MRI. He said the radiologist didn't even have a name for it. But it doesn't have any of the characteristics of a cancer at this time. So we watch and wait. Everything else about my visit was normal... oh how I love to be normal every once in awhile.

My incision however, is going to be an ongoing saga. It continues to open, the hole going deeper and wider each day. It is now considered a "hypertrophic granulation wound." Or, "proud" flesh. Which is too much tissue being made. Dr. Bouton says its like goldilocks and the three bears- we need the kind of granulation that is "just right." And that may take awhile. So he referred me to the wound clinic and the nurses did a wonderful job of cleaning the wound and repacking it. But then Dr. Bouton came into the room and informed us he'd like to still see me each week before I see them... just for extra measure. It makes me feel "extra" in all kinds of the best ways.

savor

2011-11-11T07:01:00.000-06:00

~The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another~ Thomas Merton

For two days now, I've been wrestling with the words to use to write about what happened on Monday. And I just can't. It gets harder and harder. There are so many, who are so worthy. Yet I find myself surrounded, quite literally, by such an outpouring of generous and love-filled acts that I simply can't "wrap my brain around it."

Because, this isn't the first time this group has loved on me. After they completely outdid themselves with a benefit for me last May, they discovered they were going to miss the deadline to apply for matching funds from Dakota Medical Foundation, (DMF) Lend-A- Hand program. It was too much of an opportunity to pass up. So they did it again. Last August they held a golf outing and silent auction... for me. And they raised enough money to have it matched by DMF.

So last Monday, Rick and I received a check from DMF, and 4 of the main members of my benefit committee were in attendance. The fifth "honorary" member is Kenzie (on my hip, below.)

So this is me, doing a "brave" smile. You know the one, where if you stop for even just a second, you will completely lose it and never regain your composure again. Oprah calls it "the ugly cry." I was not going to ugly cry, so I grinned as big as I could, hoping to keep it all in. My eyes only leaked a little.

Since it was so close to lunch time, we celebrated with lunch at Granite City.

"We're here for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark."
Whoopi Goldberg

And this is where I am stuck. How do I even begin to say thank you? Each time a hospital bill shows up, which honestly, is daily... I know we can pay it and still eat. We can pay, and still keep our house. We can pay and still let our boys go to hockey. We can pay, and we get to keep living our life. Could there be any bigger gift? Any bigger blessing? Down the road, these decisions about how we will pay, may not come so easily. But I am a "live your moments" kind of girl. And this moment? Is one I am going to savor, and just live.

breathing

2011-11-09T12:15:00.000-06:00

Source: myrevelment.com via Vicky on Pinterest

Just happy to be breathing today... back soon

cell by cell

2011-11-07T10:22:00.000-06:00

Here's the Story of the Day:

Second Thoughts

travelling as fast in one direction as she can go before she has second thoughts &; goes back to doing the same old stuff

Brian Andreas

A part of me wants to make sure I am living all of life that is out there for me to live. Every little drop of it. But at the same time, I want to make sure that in that space of living, I allow it to change me.

Molecule

by

molecule,

cell

by

cell,

I need to change the physiology of my body so that it doesn't continue to grow cancer, to host cancer, to know cancer. If I don't feed my brain with new thoughts, and nourish my soul with sustenance of a spiritual kind, then how will I ever overcome cancer? Chemo, radiation and surgery are only a few tools in the arsenal needed to combat cancer.

When Karen @ This Old House II, mentioned that she had made a new header for my blog, I was excited. I love the warmth I feel when I visit hers, the vibe is inviting and I love visiting her corner of the world. She brings it to life through her photos and talents as a photographer. Please go visit, you won't be disappointed!

But before I could accept Karen's gracious offer, I had to let go of the old. I would be taking down Gitz's beautiful header and blog makeover she surprised me with last spring. Yet, somehow, I knew she'd want me to move forward. I've saved Sara's header and will make it into a piece of art to have displayed on my desk. So I took a big breath and said yes to Karen. I am still coming from a place of yes, a place of, I'll try, a place of one thing different.

And look at the beauty Karen created for me? I love the shabby-chique feel of it. The warmth, and of course my love of the color blue all combining to give me a new look to my bloggy home. Thank you Karen!

I have lab work tomorrow, Dr. Panwalkar, and then chemo.

And later this morning I have an incredibly humbling event happening, and I will be sure to come back and share with you when I am back on my feet later this week!

"Anything can be..."

2011-11-04T12:10:00.000-05:00

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”

― Shel Silverstein

stitches opening

wounds weeping

hole stretching

bandages staining

surrendering...

gift counting

joy filling

"silver" healing

dizziness dissipating

fatigue vanishing

bird's nest discovering

"Picnik"ing

golden sun streaming

bejewled sky painting

soul stirring

thanksgiving

any-thing

every-thing

11 years in the making...

2011-11-02T09:04:00.000-05:00

Nolan's first Halloween he was just 5 months old. We had already figured out that earlier, was better, when it came to his bedtime. So 7 pm was it. But then daylight savings happened the same day as Halloween and guess what time little guy fell asleep? That's right, by 6 pm, just as the trick or treaters were coming to our home, he fell asleep and missed the whole thing.

Score: Halloween 1- Nolan 0

Who would have thought by the time his second Halloween would come around, I'd be pregnant with Colton already? I was in the throes of all day sickness, and we decided to make a hasty trip to Minnesota, from Idaho where we lived. Grandpa and Grandma would love to experience trick or treating with one of their grandkids. But this lion lived up to his costume and roared the whole time we tried to take him. Pretty sure we never made it out the front door!

Score: Halloween 2 - Nolan 0

But surely by the time he was 3 and his Aunt let him use his cousin's Buzz Lightyear costume- well certainly he'd be excited to go then?

Score: Halloween 3 - Nolan 0

I'm not even sure when Nolan started actually leaving the house for Halloween. One year we took Colton by himself and Nolan stayed with Grandma after we moved back to Minnesota.

But each year, there is drama and tears before we even get out the door with Nolan. Every. Single. Year.

And Colton? With all the drama surrounding Nolan, this is the first actual picture I have of him in a Halloween costume. He has always been completely thrilled and excited to go.

This year was an entirely different story. There was more emphasis on pumpkin carving then costumes.

So Nolan carved a Pittsburgh Penguins pumpkin, of course.

And Colton made a Clone Trooper pumpkin.

And Nolan, ended up going to hockey tryouts. So Colton threw on his old clone trooper costume and the two of us went trick or treating.

At the end of the night we realized, it was the first time in 11 years we made it out the door without any tears and drama.

Score: Halloween 10 - Nolan 1!!!

In the midst of dizzy...

2011-10-31T12:07:00.000-05:00

In the midst of dizzy I found...

Thoughtfulness.

I'm often quite struck with the thoughtfulness that comes from such a diversity of people too. We received a delicious meal last Friday, just spur of the moment. Susan, the lasagna was restaurant -worthy and wonderful! We devoured it over the weekend. Thank you for nourishing and enriching our lives with your always thoughtful gestures!

I also found...

A compassionate soul in a young girl.

This beautiful scarf came in the mail from the young daughter of a high school classmate of mine. Katie said she saw this yarn at the store and in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, thought I might enjoy a warm pink scarf to wear. Besides, she is a hockey sister, and knew that I am a hockey mom and we will both spend numerous hours freezing in the cold at the hockey rink. I'm extremely touched that she would think of doing this for me. Thank you Katie, Kristen and Marty!

I also found...

reassurance.

You see, I asked God for a bit of a distraction, to help me focus elsewhere so I wouldn't get too mired in dizzy. Apparently someone was listening. Isn't that how it goes? One thing comes to occupy our every waking moment, and in asking to be distracted? Boy, was I ever.

I would have to say this provided a major distraction ... it seems that my incision is revolting against the stitches again. Fluid is leaking out and about an inch of my incision is crusty and scabby again. I had to make an emergency visit last Friday to Dr. Bouton. He was reassuring in that he still thinks I am healing. That whatever fluid was in, has mostly come out again. And the layers should want to go together, rather than separate. I will see him again later this week. See? Distracted, and reassured.

These were awaiting me when I returned home. My mother brought them for me and then stayed and watched the kids so Rick and I could go to our hockey social. I was way too happy to see so many of my favorite hockey people to worry about either dizziness or leaking incisions that won't heal.

Then, I found love, unexpected in my mail box.

Saturday morning these arrived from my dear blogging friend, Robin, from All Things Heart and Home. She is the sweet friend who for 4 years now, has sent Sara and I pink warm fuzzy socks, and we have days that call for all of us to wear them together. In honor of Sara, I have a feeling I will wear these and think of her and our special Robin, often. Thank you Robin! Robin has a beautiful blog that inspires, one you should definitely visit!

And thats when "joy" showed up.

Speaking of Sara, this morning, after a long night with a frazzled and tired out boy, who is surrendering to stress he feels coming at him from everywhere, well this was peeking out of my mailbox. Its my Gitzen Girl inspired necklace made by Donna of Beans and Beads. I ordered it just last week. The little silver cap on top of the bead says "Sara."

I'm reminded often, in all of this, the messy of our lives, we always have a choice. Today, the choice is easy, Joy is what I will reach for. How about you? What do you find in the midst of messy?

"side by side with the good"

2011-10-28T08:36:00.000-05:00

You don't take a photograph. You ask, quietly, to borrow it. ~Author Unknown

Sometimes I do get to places just when God's ready to have somebody click the shutter. ~Ansel Adams

"Well some things don't ever get settled. You just make a place for them. Learn to let them sit there with you , side by side with the good." Carol Wiley Cassella, Oxygen

I just wanted to have a "good" day yesterday despite the dizziness. So I let it just be there, side by side, with all the good around me. Abundance continues to flow into my life. I have been deeply touched, completely flooded with emails by both friends and new-to-me friends. Thank you for continuing to be such blessings to me.

I am

2011-10-26T11:27:00.001-05:00

I am dizzy, I said to my oncologist.

Then we'll order an Mri and get to the bottom of it, he said. We'll watch for seizures, and black outs. We'll watch for severe headaches. You'll call me, even in the middle of the night, with worsening symptoms. We will take care of you.

I get claustrophobic in the MRI tube, I said to the nurse.

Then we'll order some Xanax for you to take the edge off she said. Or you can take Ativan. We'll help you get through it, she said.

I'm nervous, I said to the MRI radiology tech.

Then I'll place a wash cloth over your eyes, and a pillow under your legs, and I'll speak to you in the tube, and I'll blow air on you and I'll be there with you the entire time.

I'm dizzy and fatigued I cried to my husband.

Then I'll drive the boys to hockey, and I'll pick them up. I'll get the groceries. I'll watch the boys. You rest, he said. I will take care of you.

Mama's tired, I said to the boys.

Then we'll walk the dog and take him outside, they said. We will be quiet and you can rest. We will bring you water and the remote and a blanket. We'll take care of you mom.

I'm sad, I whispered to God. I'm worried. I'm weary. I'm leaving it all with you.

I know you are, he said to me. I have been with you the entire time. I will not leave you. I will bear you, I will carry you...

I have breast cancer, I said on my blog.

We know you do, you said. We will flood your mailbox with cards. We will pray for you, uplift you, carry your name on our lips. We will make meals for you and feed you. We will clean for you, and decorate your home for you. We will bless you. We will love you through it.

Did you find cancer on my brain, I asked the nurse?

It doesn't look like cancer, she said. It doesn't look like metastases. Its something she said, but we don't know what. You'll have more scans in December, she said. We will watch and wait... we're here for you.

I am waiting I whispered... I am hoping and kneeling and waiting.

One thing different...

2011-10-24T08:39:00.000-05:00

I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes. ~e.e. cummings

Crosby wakes us before the sun rises every morning. Usually Superman gets up with him as I am still in a drug induced unconscious haze. But every so often Rick needs a break and I take a turn, (with the help of some extra coffee.) I've long been craving an unobstructed view of the sun coming up, but I would have to leave and go in search of that view. Last Thursday, only mildly dizzy, I decided to do something about it.

I grabbed the dog.

My extra large mug of coffee.

The camera.

And drove towards the glow in the sky.

I first stopped by our church.

I then drove as far East as the road would allow. I came to rest near a farmer's field.

I anticipated the orange and the golden tinges, but I hadn't realized the magic of a pastel palette. The deep purples, the lavenders, the pinks, all splashed against glimpses of a powder blue sky.

I had an epiphany... what if I did one thing different each day? What if I simply started from a place of "yes?" instead of the instant no. How different might my days look?

I drove home with a full heart at the start of my day and arrived to everyone just getting up.

I capped off the perfect morning with homemade pancakes.

Just one thing different, may just lead to a whole lot of different.

Anyone else want to try?

Keeping the dream...

2011-10-22T10:40:00.000-05:00

Doesn't almost every little boy who plays sports grow up dreaming he will play for a professional sports team? Nolan doesn't just dream about it, he does everything within his power to be around professional sports, namely hockey, as much as possible.

But he is limited to what mom and and dad can provide. Typically Wild tickets for the 4 of us is just out of the question. Unless, a generous and compassionate wife of a professional player steps in.

Last summer, the day Matt Cullen, #7 for the Minnesota Wild, came to the rink to sign autographs for our young hockey players, its was his wife Bridget we spent so much time talking to. While Nolan is certainly a Wild fan, and a Matt Cullen fan, its no secret he is a huge Penguins fan and loves Sidney Crosby.

And Bridget's eyes grew big when she heard that. Since Matt and Bridget are friends with the coach of the Penguins, Dan Bylsma, maybe Nolan would enjoy coming to the game when the Penguins come to play the Wild?

True to her word, Bridget set aside two tickets to the Penguins game for Nolan and Rick last Tuesday. While I went to chemo, Nolan got out of school for a half day and drove to the cities with Rick. (Colton had no interest in going this time which turned out well when he came home with a fever that day.)

Nolan was only momentarily disappointed that both Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin had not made the trip. Because waiting for him and Rick were family passes, allowing them to congregate with the families of the players outside the locker rooms after the game.

Rick had already submitted a list of games to the Wild for him to shoot photos at, but he was turned down for some of them, including the Penguins game. My point and shoot camera would have to do for their photos.

Matt Cullen taking the face off below for the Wild.

Penguins players after the game, signing Nolan's jersey

Co-owner of the Penguins and legendary player... Mario Lemieux

Nolan has been a long time member of the Pittsburgh kids club and he has hung onto every player photo they send to him. He was thrilled when Fleury agreed to sign both the jersey and the picture Nolan had brought! Plus, he got Nolan's name perfectly. Its always the little things that they remember.

And now the Wild players. They just had no puck luck that night and lost the game even though they played well throughout the night. Nolan got several more Wild players, but Rick has abandoned my out matched camera by then.

This is one exhausted, beaming kid.

Nolan's hockey dreams are alive and thriving. Who knows if he will ever have the "stuff" it takes to make it, but what I love, is that he at least believes in the dream and works pretty hard at hockey because of it.

We are forever indebted to Bridget Cullen for setting this whole thing up for Nolan and Rick. Matt and Bridget are cofounders of the Cullen's Children's Foundation, or Cully's Kids which provides financial resources to organizations that support children's healthcare needs with an emphasis on cancer. They both understand the stress and toll that cancer takes on a family and work tirelessly to raise funds and support for kids with cancer. We're honored to volunteer at the events every summer and come away with rewards beyond measure in being around "Cully's Kids."

From my own perspective I know it was more than just going to the game and meeting the players, for my two guys. Truly what Bridget enabled my boys to do, was forget about cancer for a day, and just be hockey loving fans, and that is the best gift of all.

"...grace enough to bear it..."

2011-10-19T10:37:00.000-05:00

It is a good thing to be without a trouble; but it is a better thing to have a trouble, and know how to get grace enough to bear it.” ~Spurgeon Anne Voskamp

I read this quickly as I head out the door for chemo. "Grace enough to bear it " echoes through my head. It is my mantra for the day.

As I settled into the waiting room early yesterday morning at Roger Maris, waiting for my pager to flash signaling my turn for blood work, I scanned the full room. An older grandfatherly type sat just kitty-corner from me. Was he a patient? I am often surprised when I see a flash go off and notice the pager is not in the hands of the one I thought was the cancer patient. But the next flash I saw was from the pager in his hands and off he went.

Everything was running behind and there was an unusual amount of waiting yesterday.

Except for Dr. Panwalkar who throws open the door promptly at 9:45 am. From the doorway, In a thick Indian accent he says my name and it resembles something like this "Wicky," "Wicky I have your scan results, everything's good!" "Liver still clear, spine and lymph nodes stable."

I match his smile, knowing I have been given another reprieve. I have earned the golden ticket to 3 more treatments of TDM1, "the miracle" drug. Prayers are being answered! I am counting grace.

Yet, I have to honestly tell him I've struggled with more fatigue. I've been less able to do as much. Dr. P is thorough in his questions and takes everything in.

He thumps my spine, checks my liver, listens to my lungs. He goes to check my feet, but my tall boots cover my ankles. I carefully unzip one so he can see, I have no swelling. The strain on my back causes me to leave the boot unzipped as he asks me to lie back. Sensing the problem, Dr. P carefully reaches over and zips the boot for me. Its such a simple, unadorned, gesture, but it leaves me touched by his compassion, and I count grace.

I have just one more "new thing" to share with him. I have had some dizziness. Its hard to describe, but its almost like vertigo sometimes. Its been a mild symptom, but it visits often. He again questions me thoroughly and suggests we do an mri. I smile when I add "with sedation." He laughs and says yes. Either I am experiencing side effects from the treatment, which is what we suspect, or some new activity has started in my brain. Waiting takes over once again. Next week I will have the mri. But I will deal with that next week. Today is grace.

We conclude our visit and he walks me to the infusion center. As he turns to leave, he places his hand on my back and says "I'll see you in three weeks." Compassion and grace.

I sit shivering in the infusion center waiting room. A stranger sees me with my arms wrapped around myself... "would you like my coat?" "Its all warmed up and I don't need it?"

Another woman nearby suggests I ask for a warmed blanket. I smile and say no thank you, I'll settle into a warm blanket when I get my room. But of course I count more grace. You don't find many "strangers" at the infusion center, just unfamiliar faces disguising the grace within.

My infusion concludes uneventfully. Rick is out of town with Nolan, but as luck would have it, my friend Carrie is working and offers me a ride home. Grace.

I walk down the hall out to the lobby and notice the same grandfatherly man from the morning, walking next to me. "You're still here too?" he asks. "yes," I say, "its been a long day." We've been there for 7 hours. "Well," he says, "even though the days get long, I guess it sure beats the alternative." I laugh as I see he gets it. He is grace too. We don't do this because we WANT to, we simply HAVE to.

I arrive home to a sick little boy with flushed cheeks, a fever and achy body, wrapped in a blanket next to Grandma on the couch.

And even in this, is grace. It affords us the time to snuggle in bed and doze on and off, sipping our sprite, nibbling on crackers and just being quiet with each other.

Even Crosby has gone to the neighbors for a "sleepover." I take my meds and drift off to sleep, fully steeped in "grace enough to bear it."

I am continually humbled and awed at how much each and every one of you, show up, love on me and my family and continue to sustain through prayers, and kind gestures. I pray often that God multiplies back to you tenfold, the blessing you are to me.

Chemo day...

2011-10-18T08:31:00.000-05:00

Its chemo day:

scan results

visit with Dr. Panwalkar

blood work

counting my counts

thumping my spine

examining my body

checking for signs

port access

benadryl

iv drip, drip, drip

sprite

soda crackers

rinse cycle

long day

home

rest, rest, rest

Because of Sara Frankl... On The Minds Of Moms

2011-10-14T14:56:00.001-05:00

I'll admit I'm a little hopped up on steroids right now, and Claritin, and Lorazepam and a little Ranitidine for good measure. And I've been drinking yucky things and having an iv full of dye contrast shot into me as I barreled in and out of the CT scanner all morning. I was a mess of anxiety, and meds, and discomfort.

But then my phone started to light up. It was filled with people offering prayers and support on this anxiety ridden day and it brought immediate comfort to me as always. They never forget! But there was also another small gem in the midst of those texts too.

And by small, I mean HUGE, really, really HUGE, well that is if you're a shy girl like me.

Because I am. Truly. A shy girl.

And what I did, shocked me beyond belief.

I decided to "live a little." And it had something to do with this... but let me explain.

Because I decided to "live a little" at the exact time my friend, our sweet Sara, lay clinging to merely a thread of life.

And I felt helpless.

Like I couldn't be there for her.

And I couldn't wrap my arms around her and lay in bed with her like I longed to do.

I couldn't lay eyes on her, talk to her, or hear from her anymore.

But I could do this...

Because she'd tell me to, in fact she'd hound me and badger me to. She'd tell me I was good enough, worthy enough, deserving. Because she could just read my heart and know the exact thing I needed to hear from her.

So I decided to do this for her, because of her.

Because she is the one who gave me the shift in perspective I needed to find the grace in the hard stuff from the very beginning. And if you read my words, I am convinced, you'd see her influence on me through and through.

So several months back I was asked by one of the Co-Founders and Editors of On The Minds of Moms Magazine, Dani Parkos Fluge, to write something for them. Anything in fact. And at the lake this summer, one day, amidst the quiet and the sound of the water and the sunshine on my face, I did. I opened my heart and a story fell out.

And then I didn't send it in. I just didn't. Maybe I was still afraid? Its very humbling to put a piece of your heart out in the world, unprotected, especially when you are shy like me. So it sat in a file on my desktop for weeks.

And then my world started turning on its head at the mere idea of not just losing Sara, but knowing I would be having surgery soon and chemo, and unlikely to be able to travel to her ever again. So I prayed, and then cried, and then decided it was the one thing I could do for Sara.

And within hours of me sending off the story, I heard unequivocally, they wanted that story, just as it was.

And the texts I was receiving this morning? Were because the new issue of OTMOM, was on the stands at the grocery store, and my story is in it!

The cover of the magazine... the family on the cover happens to be another family we know and I was delighted to see their beautiful story told in this issue.

And, wow, here I am... those amazing family photos that Ria took for us, and graciously let the magazine use- thank you Ria!

And the page that is so inspiring to me... to see myself amongst the ranks of women like Patricia Carlson whose work I've admired for so long. Really?

Dani Fluges let me know today that their website is featuring a link to the story in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. So if you don't live near my community and would like to read the story it is here.

Essentially the message is quite simple... "live your moments... feel your aliveness. Put your grace glasses on and live your best day today. Expand. Count your gifts. You can see them in the tiniest moments. If you are open to seeing them, they are all around us."

Thank you all for transforming this "tiny moment" today into something huge for me!

OTMOM has a facebook page that is steadily growing! They are just shy of 3000 likes and have mentioned a giveaway if they could just get a few more people to like their page. I'd be so honored to have you check it out and click the like button!

Eddie Money

2011-10-12T06:45:00.000-05:00

Eddie money may be in his sixties, but he can still rock it! Cameras weren't allowed into the show, but this is how he looks these days. His voice might be a bit more hoarse and gravelly sounding but it didn't stop him from belting out all the number one hits he has had over the years.

Treasure Island Resort and Casino was far bigger than we thought it might be. It was just over 5 hours from our house and yet it certainly reminds me of Vegas!

We had an early start the next morning, but went around back to the marina for a quick look.

We hadn't arrived early enough the prior day to enjoy the river boat cruise on the Mississippi.

The views were breathtaking and filled with fall color and golden light.

Within a couple of hours of leaving we drove into rain. But closer to home there was a line of blue sky and the sun peeking out underneath all of those clouds. The fields of corn were practically luminescent, and it doesn't show in my photos but I liked the stark contrast anyway.

It was sunny by the time we arrived home. Its been unusually warm and I am soaking in all the warmth I can before the upcoming cold comes to stay with us for far too long.

You all continue to inspire and encourage me in the most surprising and fun ways! This is Katie in NYC and look where my bracelet is hanging out now!

Thank you Katie! I see readers come from all corners of the states and the world over, and I am always excited when someone takes a minute to drop into the Westra World to say hello.

When you get it all...

2011-10-09T09:30:00.000-05:00

Much like Rick and I, the photo is showing its age. I venture to say its nearly 25 years old. Its grainy, my eyes are red, its taken from far away, and we are sporting the epitome of 80's style. Big hair, skinny ties, and I'm fairly certain we danced the night away to 80's music. We were dating? I struggle to remember our relationship status. My mother found the photos while cleaning out some old boxes from the basement.

Its perfect timing.

Superman is whisking me away- for two days- to an Eddie Money concert! Our hair is more "tame" (read "nonexistent" for one of us, and my heels won't be nearly as tall. In a lot of ways its hard to remember myself as that young and single. I even had a red sports car about the color of my dress... and yet, if you could have looked inside my heart, everything I have today is what I longed for back then.

So my excitement for the next two days is big, I mean huge! I can't wait to re-live a bit of the past. The car has become a Suburban used to haul the kids and all their hockey gear. We've aged. And we've hit a few speed bumps along the way. But the best part? In the end, that girl above, gets the guy and he gives her the world, over and over again.

Be back in a couple of days!

Closer to...

2011-10-07T07:14:00.000-05:00

Colton received his bible at church on Wednesday evening. He and I attended a class last Saturday that introduced him to his bible and showed him how to use it. He loved looking up passages and could already answer some of the instructors questions.

He was beaming Wednesday night. Rick and I placed the book in his hands in front of the congregation, and he sat thumbing through it all through the sermon. His curiosity is piqued. He sang, and prayed and basked in the glow of the sanctuary as he sat snuggled in between Rick and I.

We arrived home from church already past the boys' bedtime. Nolan of course, is starving, after eating a big meal at church. He uses a less than desirable word to convey he isn't pleased when I tell him its bed time.

But before I can respond, its Colton who quickly speaks up, "Nolan, you just took one step away from God." I don't know that Nolan got the lesson, but I sure saw that Colton is getting the lesson.

We saw the sun going down at the start of the church service and Rick quickly drove me over to the field of corn stalks and took this photo for me. "Closer" to God was running through my head as I drank in the night air, the serene field, the hazy ball of fire slipping below the horizon.

...stretching myself...

2011-10-05T10:30:00.000-05:00

Prayer for a Normal Day

Normal day,

let me be aware of the treasure you are.

Let me learn from you, love you,

bless you before you depart.

Let me not pass by in quest

of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

Let me hold you while I may,

for it may not always be so.

One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,

or bury my face in the pillow,

or stretch myself taut,

or raise my hands to the sky and want,

more than all the world, your return.

Mary Jean Iron

Like the leaves dropping en masse from the trees in the yard, I feel bits of myself slipping away. Its like when your skin starts to shed its summer tan and it sloughs off in grayish-brown sheets in the shower like a snake molting its skin.

But what I am shedding isn't something seen from the outside. I feel it more than I can show it.

Each chemo week I have to answer a survey about how treatment with TDM1 affects my life. I've always been in the "not at all" category when it comes to some of the side effects. Recently, I became a sometimes. Or on the flip side, in other categories I am an "always," kind of gal. And lately, I have to admit I'm a little more "not always" even here. I finish the questionnaire and see that I am no longer a perfect "zero," and have moved into a whole new category. They've warned me this will happen. Long term chemo stores up in your body and the effects begin to linger, longer.

Fatigue has been nagging me. My energy never really catches up to all that I want and/or need to get done in a day. Slowly, I see the cracks deepen into fissures that feel like a bottomless pit. I lie down for a nap, and get up feeling just as tired as when I first lay down.

I walk blocks instead of miles.

My puppy is too heavy for me to lift anymore, and when he pulls on his leash, pain sears through my back.

I gave myself a "gitz" pep talk the other day before I even put my feet on the floor.

And so I wonder... maybe I am meant to slow down? To spend my energy more thriftily. To shift my focus, to what I can do, instead of what I can't do? To empty myself, so that I can fill again. To shed the tan of summer, so that the healthy and new underneath has a chance to be revealed...

I wonder...

if you continue, you will change...

2011-10-03T10:02:00.000-05:00

Source: awelltraveledwoman.tumblr.com via Vicky on Pinterest

She came on a Sunday afternoon, bearing Gin-Gins and a big smile. She's been here in town on the weekends, going through her childhood home filled with her father's treasures. Its been a year since he passed, shortly after the passing of my own father.

We were in high school when we last had contact. Now, decades older, we discover the parallels of our journey. And how we've "grown" and are "growing." An hour flew by as we traversed over the subjects of death, and mourning, and what we've come to know, and what we may never know. It felt good for someone to know a piece of my grief, and for me to know a scrap of hers.

And then she left for her home with a gladware container of cherry tomatoes. I don't always know in the moment, but if you asked me about my weekend, I'd tell you her visit left me with a slice of unexpected joy.

Thanks Elizabeth! Lets do it again soon!

"Its not about me..."

2011-09-29T10:14:00.000-05:00

Thank you all for your encouraging words, prayers, and thoughtful comments over the past few days/weeks. You've all supported me and lifted me and helped me keep walking forward in faith on this journey of mine, and I am extremely grateful. You all make a difference.

Sweet Sara was laid to rest yesterday wearing a t-shirt with the words "Its not about me" emblazoned on her chest, along with a pair of jeans. I came home from the Same Day Surgery Clinic in time to rest a bit, and then made my way to the computer for her service. I couldn't get the picture, but the music, the children crying occasionally in the background, Sara's beautiful voice singing Amazing Grace, and the sermon by the priest were all mingled together for a loving tribute of our girl. And true to her word of wanting a celebration, the last song played was "Oh Happy Day." Sara style, written all over it.

My grief bubble has become more transparent. Life is marching forward, and I am beginning to have moments of clarity once again. This little guy, Crosby, has become the center of our world. He has soulful puppy dog eyes with just a hint of naughtiness lingering on the edges. We have a barrier at the top of the stairs so he won't wander off downstairs on us. So when he disappeared on me the other day? This was the last place I expected to find him... reclining on the sofa downstairs... the barrier? Completely intact. He merely takes a running leap and hurdles right over it it. What were we thinking?

This is my friend from childhood, Lisa, on your far left (seated) and her knitting group in Alaska. She just recently took the photo as they don't meet in the summer. I am still touched every time I see someone out in public wearing my hockey lace bracelet. Its pretty amazing to know that 6 months in to this fight, people still are so dedicated to me... even as far away as Alaska. I couldn't be more honored. Thank you ladies, I swelled with joy upon seeing it.

My point and shoot camera can't really do this next one justice. But for two years now, around the time of my Dad's birthday, a monarch shows up in our yard. Last year it was at my parent's house as we cleaned out Dad's things. As I grabbed Dad's cane and walker, I noticed the ease in which the butterfly flew. It dipped, it soared, it dive bombed us. And the image of my Dad having the freedom to move and breathe again in Heaven brought me such comfort that day. This year, not only was Dad on my mind, but seeing this in our front yard, reminded me of Sara and the freedom she would also gain in her heavenly home. Maybe next year, there will be TWO butterflies in my yard.